It's that time of year again... Family newsletter time! And crazy as it seems, we actually had an interesting year! This was going to be an honest to goodness family update! Moving! New position at work for Stephen! Exciting Vacations! Kindergarten! Preschool! Fun surprise party for my sister! I went on an epic trip road with my mom and sister to hang out with super awesome people! We traded in the van for a smaller car... I was gonna make a joke about how it was fueled with the tears of our parents because it was a clear sign that we are done having kids! Funny, right??? This all sounds good, so why no letter?? Well, Christmas happened!!
My sister and brother done stole the show! The only thing that will be remembered is Christmas 2015! My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (3 weeks early) on Christmas Eve (also my mom's birthday) and my brother proposed to his girlfriend!
Well, what's the problem? Why the "forget that" attitude. Think about it! My siblings got my parents PEOPLE for Christmas! A new granddaughter and daughter in law!! Do you know what I got my parents? DO. YOU. KNOW?!? A..... wait for it...... SPICE RACK!! Let that simmer for a second! People....... Spice Rack.....PEOPLE.... Spiiiiice Raaack! It super adjustable to fit any cabinet but still can not compete!
And it would be one thing if the evil siblings had just gifted the parents with regular people.... But, NO! They gifted them with extra special people! The new grand baby is gorgeous, just like her siblings. Couldn't have given them a typical newborn with a red, squishy face? Nope! Absolute perfection! Probably should have every moment of her life photographed and I believe they are totally on that already. Snuggling a spice rack just won't give you those warm fuzzy feelings. Baby Kalia is also super smart! She was just chilling in my sister's belly and heard that the Grandy thing was often associated with words like "Yes" and "tic tacs" and "presents" and "backwards dinners!" My genius niece decided that it was in her best interest to arrive early and give her herself a little extra something to earn her Grandy's adoration!
And speaking of brains and beauty, my brother had to pick another extra special female to join our family! She's amazing and fun and loves the beach as much if not even more than our family and we take our beach vacations SERIOUSLY! She literally and figuratively adds a dash of color to our pasty white OBX family photos! The grand kids adore her and we know Grandy and Pop-Pop's world revolve around the grand kids [see above paragraph] But wait! There's more! JEN RIDES AND TRAINS HORSES! As soon as she changes her last name, the family coolness level is going to sky rocket to levels never even dreamed possible!! More perfection! (and she doesn't mind hanging out with all of us!?! how is that possible??)
That spice rack could have been made of GOLD and done all the cooking and still would come no where near the awesomeness of adding these two ladies to the family!! Spice rack! yuck!!( And I mean that kinda literally because I got a nasty case of strep throat for Christmas and was still recovering while I set it up! Flavoring dinner could result in trouble swallowing and sore throat)
What? I need an attitude adjustment? Time out? I should be happy?
TIME OUT! AH-HA Moment! There's still time! I can earn back the number one child spot before New Years!
*buys lottery tickets*
*emails Oprah and Ellen*
*enters "I love Mom butt cheek tattoo designs" into google search*
JUST KIDDING! TOTALLY SUPER EXCITED ABOUT EVERYTHING!! I often struggle with the guilt of being the oldest child who shines so ridiculously bright! It's good to see my siblings getting a little chance to shine:)
PS this is what happens when I am trapped at home and required to rest!
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
That Grandparent Thing
My kids have 4 doting Grandparents who live in the area. They see the kids at least once a week, but each time it's like they spent a month wandering in the desert and the kids are an extra large bottle of water. And Heaven forbid they go longer than a week in between visits, they are a like a bunch of twitching addicts looking for a fix. I think that I have got this whole grandparent thing figured out. This extreme love is from joy of an answered prayer. No, not a loving prayer about their children's future. I'm talking about the Parent's prayer of serenity. That prayer that is said when the kids have you wanting to pull your rapidly greying hair out and you can feel an ulcer forming. You feel like you are about to lose it so you utter:
Lord, give me Strength!
And please let them have a kid who is exactly like them one day!!
I have come to the conclusion that things aren't exactly what they seem in the hospital room when they first lay eyes on that precious bundle of joy! They are definitely giving the baby a once over to see which parts look like their son or daughter.... But there are parts of their exclamations that are left unsaid!
Oh look, he has your eyes! Bet they will never be able to see their backpacks or shoes before school
Her mouth looks just like her mom's! Bring on the back talk
Awwww! Definitely Daddy's ears! Definitely gonna have selective hearing! Bwahahaha!
How did I come up with this theory? I had a whole lot of time to think about it as I spent many, many, many, many, many, many, many hours swimming in the pool with the kids and spent many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many hours trying to calm my nerves after each and every struggle to get my little fish out of the pool. What does that have to do with anything? Well, I was quite the little fish when I was a kid. I was never too cold and could swim for hours. I now get to experience their pain and suffering x2!! I see that smirk on my parents' faces each time the kids beg me to go in the pool and they get to sit back and relax! NOT COOL!
Another "Ah ha, oh crap" moment happened when we took the kids to the boardwalk. I was feeling so nostalgic and super excited for the kids to experience the place that held so many fond memories. It was the WORST! There were people EVERYWHERE and trying to keep track of the kids was super stressful! Then there was all crappy toys that cost a billion dollars and break after a week. To the kids, they are the most amazing toys in the history of amazing toys!! Can we get it, Mom? Please? Please? Why can't we get it? Please!?! It's too expensive? But I want it so much! That awesome mermaid that Sydney got.... It had 2 right arms and broke before vacation was even over! I texted my mom and told her that the boardwalk was not so much fun as an adult. She felt so vindicated because I finally understood all the pain and suffering we put them through at the shore!
They raised us so I guess they deserve the chance to gloat when our kids pull some of the stunts we pulled on them. We just gotta endure until we reach the promised land of no rules, backwards dinners (frozen yogurt store and then dinner), prize drawers, giving in to temptation to buy just one more thing for them, and laughing when you shouldn't because your grandbabies do no wrong!
They raised us so I guess they deserve the chance to gloat when our kids pull some of the stunts we pulled on them. We just gotta endure until we reach the promised land of no rules, backwards dinners (frozen yogurt store and then dinner), prize drawers, giving in to temptation to buy just one more thing for them, and laughing when you shouldn't because your grandbabies do no wrong!
Friday, August 28, 2015
Back to School *cheers* *sobs* *rejoices* *prays for time to slow down*
This is what it's like in my brain during the last week of summer!!
(I know, it's a scary place!)
WILL SUMMER EVER END??
Nooooooooo!!! Summer can't be almost over!
Seriously, each day feels like an eternity! Is time moving backwards? Did somebody hit the pause button?
Seriously, where does the time go? The weeks are flying by!
WE. NEED. A. ROUTINE!
OH NO! Not a routine again! NO! NO! NO!
When will my day come? When will I be able to sit by the pool and read? They will be little forever! How much longer until they can be trusted to apply their own sunblock?
I blinked and my little babies turned into a kindergartner and preschooler! I might as well start planning Sydney's high school graduation party now! She is going to an Elementary school. I am gonna blink again and we will be looking at Colleges! THERE IS NO TIME LEFT! SHE'LL BE MOVING OUT AND I'LL BE LOST! MY BABY! I CAN'T HANDLE IT! STOP GROWING!
But who will stop and count the lobsters with me at the grocery store?
Praise the Lord! I can grocery shop without them! We will starve during Christmas break and next summer because I am never ever going shopping with them again! For real! I can't take it anymore!
I'm so sad! They are going to be so heartbroken when they are apart. They are best friends and need to play with each other!
I can not wait for them to be at separate schools at different times of the day! Way too much togetherness and refereeing fights!
But we have so much left to do!
I am so done entertaining! I don't want to go anywhere else! Playground tour 2015 is wrapping up!!
I can't deal with my babies being away from me. Is it too late to switch to homeschooling so that I...... What are you doing? No hitting! No, I don't care who started it. We don't hit! Nathan, no, we do not lick faces either! Be nice to each other! You need to share. Share! I said SHARE..... wait, what was I doing? Oh that's right! Googling boarding schools in the area!
(I know, it's a scary place!)
WILL SUMMER EVER END??
Nooooooooo!!! Summer can't be almost over!
Seriously, each day feels like an eternity! Is time moving backwards? Did somebody hit the pause button?
Seriously, where does the time go? The weeks are flying by!
WE. NEED. A. ROUTINE!
OH NO! Not a routine again! NO! NO! NO!
When will my day come? When will I be able to sit by the pool and read? They will be little forever! How much longer until they can be trusted to apply their own sunblock?
I blinked and my little babies turned into a kindergartner and preschooler! I might as well start planning Sydney's high school graduation party now! She is going to an Elementary school. I am gonna blink again and we will be looking at Colleges! THERE IS NO TIME LEFT! SHE'LL BE MOVING OUT AND I'LL BE LOST! MY BABY! I CAN'T HANDLE IT! STOP GROWING!
But who will stop and count the lobsters with me at the grocery store?
Praise the Lord! I can grocery shop without them! We will starve during Christmas break and next summer because I am never ever going shopping with them again! For real! I can't take it anymore!
I'm so sad! They are going to be so heartbroken when they are apart. They are best friends and need to play with each other!
I can not wait for them to be at separate schools at different times of the day! Way too much togetherness and refereeing fights!
But we have so much left to do!
I am so done entertaining! I don't want to go anywhere else! Playground tour 2015 is wrapping up!!
I can't deal with my babies being away from me. Is it too late to switch to homeschooling so that I...... What are you doing? No hitting! No, I don't care who started it. We don't hit! Nathan, no, we do not lick faces either! Be nice to each other! You need to share. Share! I said SHARE..... wait, what was I doing? Oh that's right! Googling boarding schools in the area!
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Post Vacation Apocalypse
We got back from vacation last Sunday so that meant all sorts of pain and suffering for Mommy this week! It happens every year and always ends the same. By Friday, Mommy most definitely needs a vacation, but she NEVER EVER wants to get in the car with children again. The only sensible option is to put the TV on for the kids and then hide under the covers while cradling a giant bag of candy in your arms and whisper sweet nothings to it until it's all gone. (and you have licked all the chocolate dust in the corners)
In case you don't have kids or you have older children and have completely blocked all this out, let me explain what vacations means for kids:
ALL THE FUN ALL THE TIME
Bedtime.. What's that?
Mom and Dad 24/7 for entertainment and if you are lucky enough grandparents, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins
Rules about sugar and treats... vaguely remember those
Adventures galore
Sleep is for the weak!Just GO! GO! GO!
And now for the Apocalypse:
NOTHING MEETS THE NEW STANDARDS SET FOR FUN
Exhaustion because they used up their last little bit of energy asking "are we home yet? and saying "It's taking a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time" 1,463 times each
Massive sugar withdraw because when the healthy snacks (used to prevent all the asking) ran out, we resorted to gummy sharks to keep their mouths busy and quiet
The dream team of entertainers has be disbanded and only left with lame old Mom who has the nerve to try and accomplish things like put laundry away instead of play 24/7
Bedtime... It's the worst
Daily routine.... Also the worst!
The only solution to the misery that their lives have become is to cry! There are too many examples to count. I'm so tired! I can find the energy to share a few highlights though.
Stephen went back to work which apparently was a real slap in the face for the kids. How dare he return to work!?! Nathan was grumpy as can be and wouldn't say goodbye. Then 30 seconds later, he cried and cried because Daddy left without doing the high five routine. Stephen heard the crying and came back downstairs and Nathan wouldn't make eye contact or move his hand.Eventually, Stephen had to give up and left. This resulted in Nathan running upstairs,watching Stephen pull away, and then throwing himself on the floor crying. Lucky Me!
A few days ago, Nathan got a cut on his big toe. I don't know what exactly happened after because I walked away for a second, but I think there was a great disagreement over who would put the band aid on. Nathan wanted to be independent and Syd wanted to be the loving older sister. Some how the one end of the band got stuck to itself. I came back to screaming and crying. The world had ended and there was no reason to go on! The frustration level was so great that feet were stomping and arms flailing. They ended up a pile of tears and agony on my lap on the floor in the hallway.
And because Mommy is the worst too, we had to go to the grocery store! How dare I suggest such a terrible, terrible thing!?! Ever the clever one, Sydney remembered that I was working that night and came up with a solution.... I could just go to the grocery store after work. I told her I could but that meant that they would have to wait until the next day to drink more milk because we were out. They lost their minds! How does one decide between the two worst possible situations ever???? Did I know what a cruel person I was? Get in the car and go to the grocery store or live the rest of the day with no milk? What kind of options are those? Being the milk addicts that they are, they settled on going to the grocery store.
As the days went on and we included extra down time, life slowly got back to normal. The emotionally unstable little zombies disappeared and my babies were back. Please don't ask me about any future vacations yet, the eye twitch might come back;)
In case you don't have kids or you have older children and have completely blocked all this out, let me explain what vacations means for kids:
ALL THE FUN ALL THE TIME
Bedtime.. What's that?
Mom and Dad 24/7 for entertainment and if you are lucky enough grandparents, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins
Rules about sugar and treats... vaguely remember those
Adventures galore
Sleep is for the weak!Just GO! GO! GO!
And now for the Apocalypse:
NOTHING MEETS THE NEW STANDARDS SET FOR FUN
Exhaustion because they used up their last little bit of energy asking "are we home yet? and saying "It's taking a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time" 1,463 times each
Massive sugar withdraw because when the healthy snacks (used to prevent all the asking) ran out, we resorted to gummy sharks to keep their mouths busy and quiet
The dream team of entertainers has be disbanded and only left with lame old Mom who has the nerve to try and accomplish things like put laundry away instead of play 24/7
Bedtime... It's the worst
Daily routine.... Also the worst!
The only solution to the misery that their lives have become is to cry! There are too many examples to count. I'm so tired! I can find the energy to share a few highlights though.
Stephen went back to work which apparently was a real slap in the face for the kids. How dare he return to work!?! Nathan was grumpy as can be and wouldn't say goodbye. Then 30 seconds later, he cried and cried because Daddy left without doing the high five routine. Stephen heard the crying and came back downstairs and Nathan wouldn't make eye contact or move his hand.Eventually, Stephen had to give up and left. This resulted in Nathan running upstairs,watching Stephen pull away, and then throwing himself on the floor crying. Lucky Me!
A few days ago, Nathan got a cut on his big toe. I don't know what exactly happened after because I walked away for a second, but I think there was a great disagreement over who would put the band aid on. Nathan wanted to be independent and Syd wanted to be the loving older sister. Some how the one end of the band got stuck to itself. I came back to screaming and crying. The world had ended and there was no reason to go on! The frustration level was so great that feet were stomping and arms flailing. They ended up a pile of tears and agony on my lap on the floor in the hallway.
And because Mommy is the worst too, we had to go to the grocery store! How dare I suggest such a terrible, terrible thing!?! Ever the clever one, Sydney remembered that I was working that night and came up with a solution.... I could just go to the grocery store after work. I told her I could but that meant that they would have to wait until the next day to drink more milk because we were out. They lost their minds! How does one decide between the two worst possible situations ever???? Did I know what a cruel person I was? Get in the car and go to the grocery store or live the rest of the day with no milk? What kind of options are those? Being the milk addicts that they are, they settled on going to the grocery store.
As the days went on and we included extra down time, life slowly got back to normal. The emotionally unstable little zombies disappeared and my babies were back. Please don't ask me about any future vacations yet, the eye twitch might come back;)
Friday, August 7, 2015
The check out gets me every time
Grocery shopping with children is not for the weak. The goal is always to leave with just a little bit of my dignity intact. I think that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening at the exact moment I win the lottery and I don't even play the lottery.
I never stop chasing the rainbow to get the pot of gold though. First, it's starts with making a list. I don't mean to brag (I really, really do) but I am ridiculously AWESOME at planning a trip to the grocery store! I check the flyer ahead of time. I know all the deals and match them up with all the coupons! I know all the aisles like the back of my hand or the inside of the freezer at 9am when I am eating some ice cream and don't want the kids to know (what? it's kids' bedtime somewhere!) The holy grail of shopping experiences should be within my reach, right? RIGHT????
It begins before we enter the building and I am not even talking about the stuffed animal negotiations. I have accepted that fact that we will always have several stuffed animals with us. I'm talking about cart selection. I always end up with the messed up cart and it behaves it's self until after I get the kids all set and several things in my cart. Then all hell breaks loose and it rattles and shakes. You're trying to go left and the demon possessing it says it can only go straight or right ( and one wheel will spin in the opposite direction at all times!) You must answer one of life's toughest questions... Either unload and start over with a new cart or be that person squeaking all around the store! I always go with squeaking! Better to have everyone staring at me than 2 kids melting down because my time ran out. And there is always a time limit, my friend! The set time might be different for each kid, but if you exceed that time, there will be a horrific transformation before your eyes. Your precious angel will become THAT KID in grocery store (make sure you say "that kid" with the same disgusted look a non parent parenting expert has as they reign judgement down on you!)
After much squeaking and near miss of displays stands, you somehow you make it through the store still holding onto a shred of dignity. You need to reapply deodorant and you probably forgot a few things because you were moving so fast, but hey, that just means you saved some money. Probably feeling a little proud that you made it through with only a couple "come here, please! Come here! Please. Come. Here! GET OVER HERE NOW!" and a few "because I said no!" This is the part where things get real.
If picking the worst lane was an Olympic sport, I'd win the gold medal every time! I weigh my options so carefully! I inventory each conveyor belt. I observe which lanes have baggers. I consider my gut instinct and then think about the opposite choice because my gut I'd always wrong. Then I go with neither of those choices because even the opposite of my gut instinct is wrong. I eventually settle and brace myself because the check out gets me EVERY TIME! I can't list all of the problems, but here are a few that will stay with me forever, no matter how much therapy or banging my head against the steering wheel I try.
Eyelashes 101
I can't remember exactly how old Nathan was, but he was still at the age where he was sitting in the seat in the cart and not in the nifty car part in the front that the Devil had to have designed. The little daredevil figured out how to get his legs out, stand up, and jump towards me as I was pushing the cart. Yeah, I don't know why I don't have a ton of grey hair either! We made it to the check out and were patiently trying to wait. Nathan kept leaping for me because he was DONE! It was taking forever! The cashier was chatting away as she SLOWLY rung up the food of the person in front of me. She was telling the woman all about her fake eyelashes... like discussing every possible detail! Finally, it was our turn and I had to hold my restless toddler and with one hand, grab the food, coupons, and store card. With all the trying to keep Nathan alive, I forgot to grab one of the coupon items. Ms. Eyelashes very slowly explained to me that I should only give them coupons for food that I'm actually buying. It slows the cashiers down when they have to look for things you don't actually have. I gave her a look but those fake eyelashes must have been too thick for her to see... I just sighed and walked away letting her think that I was a complete idiot.
Shiny Objects
Is it just me or do the check out aisles need to be at least a foot wider!?! There is absolutely zero room and it's near impossible to see what your child is doing while sitting in the front. I made the mistake of sitting little Nathan on the right side, where he had easy access to all the candy. He didn't know that it was candy at the time but they sure looked interesting with their shiny wrappers. In the time it took me to take the groceries out of the cart, the kid had 6 candy bars and 2 bags of skittles in his lap, and another bag of skittles dangling from his mouth. I discretely shoved the candy bars back in place with no problem. The little animal managed to open one bag of skittles with his teeth. I had to buy it. I hid it amongst the other groceries, hoping the clerk wouldn't pay attention when she scanned it. I was so close to sneaking out with a little bit of dignity, but I made one fatal mistake, I forgot to wipe up the toddler slobber. I guess I am so used to it that I didn't even notice. She, on the other hand, was NOT! Her face was priceless and my face, oh so apologetic.
Carnival Games
The aisles at this particular grocery store were really small. The cart was parked just past the candy but still away from the end of the aisle. It was perfect! No stealing candy and no exiting the vehicle! Or not! Always willing to raise to the challenge, Nathan figured out how to lean forward and arch his back so he could pop out of the "windshield" part of the car. Every time he popped up, I gently shoved his head back in. This continued the whole time I unloaded the groceries. It was like a really embarrassing game of Whack a Mole where you get pit stains in the end instead of prize tickets!
I could keep going with more examples but this sucker is getting really long and I need to make a list for the grocery store... Maybe this time will be the time it all goes smoothly! HA!
I never stop chasing the rainbow to get the pot of gold though. First, it's starts with making a list. I don't mean to brag (I really, really do) but I am ridiculously AWESOME at planning a trip to the grocery store! I check the flyer ahead of time. I know all the deals and match them up with all the coupons! I know all the aisles like the back of my hand or the inside of the freezer at 9am when I am eating some ice cream and don't want the kids to know (what? it's kids' bedtime somewhere!) The holy grail of shopping experiences should be within my reach, right? RIGHT????
It begins before we enter the building and I am not even talking about the stuffed animal negotiations. I have accepted that fact that we will always have several stuffed animals with us. I'm talking about cart selection. I always end up with the messed up cart and it behaves it's self until after I get the kids all set and several things in my cart. Then all hell breaks loose and it rattles and shakes. You're trying to go left and the demon possessing it says it can only go straight or right ( and one wheel will spin in the opposite direction at all times!) You must answer one of life's toughest questions... Either unload and start over with a new cart or be that person squeaking all around the store! I always go with squeaking! Better to have everyone staring at me than 2 kids melting down because my time ran out. And there is always a time limit, my friend! The set time might be different for each kid, but if you exceed that time, there will be a horrific transformation before your eyes. Your precious angel will become THAT KID in grocery store (make sure you say "that kid" with the same disgusted look a non parent parenting expert has as they reign judgement down on you!)
After much squeaking and near miss of displays stands, you somehow you make it through the store still holding onto a shred of dignity. You need to reapply deodorant and you probably forgot a few things because you were moving so fast, but hey, that just means you saved some money. Probably feeling a little proud that you made it through with only a couple "come here, please! Come here! Please. Come. Here! GET OVER HERE NOW!" and a few "because I said no!" This is the part where things get real.
If picking the worst lane was an Olympic sport, I'd win the gold medal every time! I weigh my options so carefully! I inventory each conveyor belt. I observe which lanes have baggers. I consider my gut instinct and then think about the opposite choice because my gut I'd always wrong. Then I go with neither of those choices because even the opposite of my gut instinct is wrong. I eventually settle and brace myself because the check out gets me EVERY TIME! I can't list all of the problems, but here are a few that will stay with me forever, no matter how much therapy or banging my head against the steering wheel I try.
Eyelashes 101
I can't remember exactly how old Nathan was, but he was still at the age where he was sitting in the seat in the cart and not in the nifty car part in the front that the Devil had to have designed. The little daredevil figured out how to get his legs out, stand up, and jump towards me as I was pushing the cart. Yeah, I don't know why I don't have a ton of grey hair either! We made it to the check out and were patiently trying to wait. Nathan kept leaping for me because he was DONE! It was taking forever! The cashier was chatting away as she SLOWLY rung up the food of the person in front of me. She was telling the woman all about her fake eyelashes... like discussing every possible detail! Finally, it was our turn and I had to hold my restless toddler and with one hand, grab the food, coupons, and store card. With all the trying to keep Nathan alive, I forgot to grab one of the coupon items. Ms. Eyelashes very slowly explained to me that I should only give them coupons for food that I'm actually buying. It slows the cashiers down when they have to look for things you don't actually have. I gave her a look but those fake eyelashes must have been too thick for her to see... I just sighed and walked away letting her think that I was a complete idiot.
Shiny Objects
Is it just me or do the check out aisles need to be at least a foot wider!?! There is absolutely zero room and it's near impossible to see what your child is doing while sitting in the front. I made the mistake of sitting little Nathan on the right side, where he had easy access to all the candy. He didn't know that it was candy at the time but they sure looked interesting with their shiny wrappers. In the time it took me to take the groceries out of the cart, the kid had 6 candy bars and 2 bags of skittles in his lap, and another bag of skittles dangling from his mouth. I discretely shoved the candy bars back in place with no problem. The little animal managed to open one bag of skittles with his teeth. I had to buy it. I hid it amongst the other groceries, hoping the clerk wouldn't pay attention when she scanned it. I was so close to sneaking out with a little bit of dignity, but I made one fatal mistake, I forgot to wipe up the toddler slobber. I guess I am so used to it that I didn't even notice. She, on the other hand, was NOT! Her face was priceless and my face, oh so apologetic.
Carnival Games
The aisles at this particular grocery store were really small. The cart was parked just past the candy but still away from the end of the aisle. It was perfect! No stealing candy and no exiting the vehicle! Or not! Always willing to raise to the challenge, Nathan figured out how to lean forward and arch his back so he could pop out of the "windshield" part of the car. Every time he popped up, I gently shoved his head back in. This continued the whole time I unloaded the groceries. It was like a really embarrassing game of Whack a Mole where you get pit stains in the end instead of prize tickets!
I could keep going with more examples but this sucker is getting really long and I need to make a list for the grocery store... Maybe this time will be the time it all goes smoothly! HA!
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Dear Nathan
Dear Nathan,
I just ate your candy and I'm not even sorry at all! You made me do it! We just had that conversation AGAIN! It happens about every other day and it always goes something like this:
Nathan: Do yous got a baby in your belly?
Me: No, only Aunt Kristen and Kerri have babies in their bellies
Nathan: You DO have a baby in your belly
Me: No, I don't
Nathan: You wook like you dos! See? *points at my stomach*
Me: *puts down the brownie*
*stares at workout clothes*
* picks up the brownie*
*puts down the brownie*
* contemplates buying 21 day fix extreme*
* eats two brownies*
And yes, Mommy knows that you are just obsessed because you have a new cousin on the way and your best buddy is going to be a big brother. I could probably have six pack abs (and pigs would fly) and you would still ask me, but dude, in the words of Sydney, SERIOUSLY!?!
You are probably thinking that all of the above does not seem like reason enough to steal your candy, and you are right. That was just the icing on the cake. Oh wait, I shouldn't use that saying! It's too gross! Here is a little story that I will sharing at your wedding:
It was just a typical summer afternoon and you and your sister wanted to swim. We ran out of swim diapers, but you are supposed to be potty trained for preschool so I thought we would be fine. Everyone tells me that letting you pee outside is the key to training boys ( I should probably find all of them and steal their candy too!) I told you not to pee in the pool and to pee in the grass. (Yes, just like Uncle DJ's dog.) We went outside and you took off your bathing suit and started running around. You do that a lot so I wasn't worried. Then you proudly announced that you pooped outside like a dog. YOU POOPED OUTSIDE LIKE A DOG! But clearly not a well behaved dog because you pooped on the patio! I.... did you....how come..... WHYYYYYY???? What goes on in that little brain of yours? Even as I type this, you found a boogie on your cheek and put it on my cheek! Again, WHHHHHYYYYYYY???
All that's left to say is I love you, my strange little man. I CAN NOT wait until you have children! I will buy you a candy of the month club subscription because you are definitely gonna need it!!
love,
your mommy who must go sanitize her cheek... thanks again for that gift!
I just ate your candy and I'm not even sorry at all! You made me do it! We just had that conversation AGAIN! It happens about every other day and it always goes something like this:
Nathan: Do yous got a baby in your belly?
Me: No, only Aunt Kristen and Kerri have babies in their bellies
Nathan: You DO have a baby in your belly
Me: No, I don't
Nathan: You wook like you dos! See? *points at my stomach*
Me: *puts down the brownie*
*stares at workout clothes*
* picks up the brownie*
*puts down the brownie*
* contemplates buying 21 day fix extreme*
* eats two brownies*
And yes, Mommy knows that you are just obsessed because you have a new cousin on the way and your best buddy is going to be a big brother. I could probably have six pack abs (and pigs would fly) and you would still ask me, but dude, in the words of Sydney, SERIOUSLY!?!
You are probably thinking that all of the above does not seem like reason enough to steal your candy, and you are right. That was just the icing on the cake. Oh wait, I shouldn't use that saying! It's too gross! Here is a little story that I will sharing at your wedding:
It was just a typical summer afternoon and you and your sister wanted to swim. We ran out of swim diapers, but you are supposed to be potty trained for preschool so I thought we would be fine. Everyone tells me that letting you pee outside is the key to training boys ( I should probably find all of them and steal their candy too!) I told you not to pee in the pool and to pee in the grass. (Yes, just like Uncle DJ's dog.) We went outside and you took off your bathing suit and started running around. You do that a lot so I wasn't worried. Then you proudly announced that you pooped outside like a dog. YOU POOPED OUTSIDE LIKE A DOG! But clearly not a well behaved dog because you pooped on the patio! I.... did you....how come..... WHYYYYYY???? What goes on in that little brain of yours? Even as I type this, you found a boogie on your cheek and put it on my cheek! Again, WHHHHHYYYYYYY???
All that's left to say is I love you, my strange little man. I CAN NOT wait until you have children! I will buy you a candy of the month club subscription because you are definitely gonna need it!!
love,
your mommy who must go sanitize her cheek... thanks again for that gift!
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
If cleanliness is next to Godliness.....
If cleanliness is suppose be next to Godliness, then why does cleaning the house always make me want to shout words that most definitely would not please the Lord???? I am not a fan of cleaning. I hate it! I. HATE. IT.
After Syd was born, several older, extremely wise moms said not to worry about having a perfectly clean house. The kids will only be this little for so long. You'll have plenty of time to clean and keep a perfect house when they grow up. Just focus on enjoying them.
Well, that was the best darn advice that I had ever heard! If I weren't so afraid of needles, I'd get it tattooed on myself. If someone wrote a song about it, I would make it the theme song of my life. If I had to write it on a cake, it would be glorious chocolate cake with layers and layers of buttercream and chocolate ganache and I would ignore the flour spilled on the floor while I made it. Who cares about a little flour, I'm too busy enjoying my babies. Well yeah, it's nap time so maybe I might have had time, but just be quiet! I can enjoy them from the couch as they sleep.
As you can tell (sorry about the dramatics), I fully embraced it and it was working real well for me until........ *takes deep breath* A couple of months of ago we decided that we were going to put our house on the market. Every mom with small kids who just read this made the same face guys do when they see another guy get hit in the nuts on America's Funniest Home Videos. Yes, it really is THAT painful.
I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned and I...... almost lost the will to live when I looked up saw the ceiling fans. Pretty sure that the last time I dusted them was when I was 9 months pregnant with Nathan and totally in the nesting phase. I know! How could I forget about them for so long especially since I have spent so much time looking up toward Heaven, praying for some sleep since that crazy kids was born!?! Well, the best explanation that I can come up with is that things don't look so bad when you never clean your glasses.
After lots of blood, sweat, tears, Clorox wipes, screaming and gnashing of teeth, more sweat, not so nice words, maniacal laughter, and unnecessarily violent threats involving thing that aren't even physically possible, the house was finally CLEAN and not just my kind of clean, but CLEAN! I sat down and rejoiced as I admired my sparkly new kingdom. I conquered that dirty mountain! I started thinking about all the possibilities for my free time now that I was one of those moms.... I could have people over without needing excuses. My brain was receiving pure, dust free oxygen, I could probably master those things on Pinterest instead of having epic fails. Life was truly amazing for, I don't know, 20 minutes.
And then I discovered something truly awful! Clothes were still getting dirty! Crumbs were sticking to my feet as I walked across the hardwood floors. The sink was filling up with dirty dishes every time I turned around. The house was getting dirty AGAIN!! It never ends! It doesn't matter how hard you work, something will always need to be done. It feels like you are a gerbil running on a wheel and getting nowhere.(The wheel is probably made of stainless steel too and you are smudging the crap outta it so grab some special spray and microfiber towel!!)
Let's take a second to address the added bonus of having small children.Those bleepin stuffed animals must sneak in their friends late at night because the pile on the couch always came back and also bigger than ever. Oh and I now feel like I am overly qualified for a job in a parade or circus, following behind the animals and scooping up poop. Maybe I should get into that but I should look into some anger management course. Probably should try to squeeze in some brownie detox therapy first! Don't judge me! Brownies are the only way to survive!!
Thank goodness the Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Apparently, I can't handle very much! I only have to deal with one showing. We got an offer right away. There was much rejoicing! We could go back to living in filth. Mama seriously needed to hop off that lemon scented train to Crazytown. I live close enough to it as it is!
So umm hey, speaking of crazy, I guess that I kinda forgot to tell a lot of people that we moved! Congratulations, my loyal friend! You suffered through my ramblings and got to the important news. The rest of them are gonna feel real stupid when they show up for a play date at the wrong house!
After Syd was born, several older, extremely wise moms said not to worry about having a perfectly clean house. The kids will only be this little for so long. You'll have plenty of time to clean and keep a perfect house when they grow up. Just focus on enjoying them.
Well, that was the best darn advice that I had ever heard! If I weren't so afraid of needles, I'd get it tattooed on myself. If someone wrote a song about it, I would make it the theme song of my life. If I had to write it on a cake, it would be glorious chocolate cake with layers and layers of buttercream and chocolate ganache and I would ignore the flour spilled on the floor while I made it. Who cares about a little flour, I'm too busy enjoying my babies. Well yeah, it's nap time so maybe I might have had time, but just be quiet! I can enjoy them from the couch as they sleep.
As you can tell (sorry about the dramatics), I fully embraced it and it was working real well for me until........ *takes deep breath* A couple of months of ago we decided that we were going to put our house on the market. Every mom with small kids who just read this made the same face guys do when they see another guy get hit in the nuts on America's Funniest Home Videos. Yes, it really is THAT painful.
I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned and I...... almost lost the will to live when I looked up saw the ceiling fans. Pretty sure that the last time I dusted them was when I was 9 months pregnant with Nathan and totally in the nesting phase. I know! How could I forget about them for so long especially since I have spent so much time looking up toward Heaven, praying for some sleep since that crazy kids was born!?! Well, the best explanation that I can come up with is that things don't look so bad when you never clean your glasses.
After lots of blood, sweat, tears, Clorox wipes, screaming and gnashing of teeth, more sweat, not so nice words, maniacal laughter, and unnecessarily violent threats involving thing that aren't even physically possible, the house was finally CLEAN and not just my kind of clean, but CLEAN! I sat down and rejoiced as I admired my sparkly new kingdom. I conquered that dirty mountain! I started thinking about all the possibilities for my free time now that I was one of those moms.... I could have people over without needing excuses. My brain was receiving pure, dust free oxygen, I could probably master those things on Pinterest instead of having epic fails. Life was truly amazing for, I don't know, 20 minutes.
And then I discovered something truly awful! Clothes were still getting dirty! Crumbs were sticking to my feet as I walked across the hardwood floors. The sink was filling up with dirty dishes every time I turned around. The house was getting dirty AGAIN!! It never ends! It doesn't matter how hard you work, something will always need to be done. It feels like you are a gerbil running on a wheel and getting nowhere.(The wheel is probably made of stainless steel too and you are smudging the crap outta it so grab some special spray and microfiber towel!!)
Let's take a second to address the added bonus of having small children.Those bleepin stuffed animals must sneak in their friends late at night because the pile on the couch always came back and also bigger than ever. Oh and I now feel like I am overly qualified for a job in a parade or circus, following behind the animals and scooping up poop. Maybe I should get into that but I should look into some anger management course. Probably should try to squeeze in some brownie detox therapy first! Don't judge me! Brownies are the only way to survive!!
Thank goodness the Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Apparently, I can't handle very much! I only have to deal with one showing. We got an offer right away. There was much rejoicing! We could go back to living in filth. Mama seriously needed to hop off that lemon scented train to Crazytown. I live close enough to it as it is!
So umm hey, speaking of crazy, I guess that I kinda forgot to tell a lot of people that we moved! Congratulations, my loyal friend! You suffered through my ramblings and got to the important news. The rest of them are gonna feel real stupid when they show up for a play date at the wrong house!
Sunday, July 19, 2015
How to unsuccessfully cut sugar out of your life
As most of you know, because you all love to ask me why I am not huge (#pastrychefproblems), I rarely eat a whole dessert except for ice cream. You kinda get tired of cake after you bake your one thousandth one.. That doesn't mean that my body isn't made up of about 40% simple syrup! Back in March, I started the 21 day fix. The sugar detox went surprisingly well! And then I started falling off the wagon a little bit when life got a little crazy. I started eating "cleanish" and considered myself not on the clean eating wagon but not completely off..... More like dragging along in back holding onto a twizzler rope. Here are some tips on how you too can be unsuccessful at cutting out sugar. Before I start, let me mention that it's about 80% thinking outside the box!
* Love your Children: Their adorableness makes them candy magnets at parades. You care about their health so you need to get rid of a few pieces if you catch my drift! I mean sure you could cut back on the number of parades you go to since they hate the sound of the fire trucks and don't want to go anyway but.... You're making memories!
* Love your Spouse: Sometimes being home ALL DAY with your kids is tough. They're all like "where did all the tootsie rolls from the parade go?" Then you're all like, "I have no idea!" *picks chocolate flavored roll of survival out of teeth* The crying goes on and on and on! Stealing that massive spoon of ice cream or cutting off a little bit of brownie and then another and then another and then another and then the final piece is the most delicious way to relieve the frustration of the day instead you know, wanting to take it out on your poor unsuspecting spouse!
*Love your Friends: Friends don't let friends eat sugar alone. Now if they are just eating sugar because you are then..... Shhh!! I won't tell!
*Quality Control: You need to taste stuff before you serve it to others. ( Especially when you are experimenting with new recipes or new menus! Lord help me on New Menu days!!) If you take pride in your work, then you better make sure you are 110% satisfied with the unhealthy fruits of your labor! Mmm... I want I bite of apple crisp or two!
* Strive for Improvement: My ice cream flavor brainstorming has been on point lately! Kahlua brownie chunk! Strawberry shortcake with bite sized pieces of pound cake! Peanut butter s'mores ! You must collect several samples throughout the batch to make sure the flavors combine perfectly!
* Don't be Wasteful: You're eating plain Greek yogurt and it tastes like sadness! (Try adding some frozen blueberries that have been slightly thawed and it's only mildly tastes like disappointment) Your child has left 3 or 4 bites of their flavored yogurt. You can't let it go to waste. Another example is the crust of their PB&J sandwich. Well, at least it's whole wheat, right?? Well, I mean you might have spread the jelly real close to the edge because you know the crust will be rejected even when they say it won't, but......
AND FINALLY, IT'S NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY! So eat some ice cream and vow to reset your diet tomorrow with me!!!!!!!'
* Love your Children: Their adorableness makes them candy magnets at parades. You care about their health so you need to get rid of a few pieces if you catch my drift! I mean sure you could cut back on the number of parades you go to since they hate the sound of the fire trucks and don't want to go anyway but.... You're making memories!
* Love your Spouse: Sometimes being home ALL DAY with your kids is tough. They're all like "where did all the tootsie rolls from the parade go?" Then you're all like, "I have no idea!" *picks chocolate flavored roll of survival out of teeth* The crying goes on and on and on! Stealing that massive spoon of ice cream or cutting off a little bit of brownie and then another and then another and then another and then the final piece is the most delicious way to relieve the frustration of the day instead you know, wanting to take it out on your poor unsuspecting spouse!
*Love your Friends: Friends don't let friends eat sugar alone. Now if they are just eating sugar because you are then..... Shhh!! I won't tell!
*Quality Control: You need to taste stuff before you serve it to others. ( Especially when you are experimenting with new recipes or new menus! Lord help me on New Menu days!!) If you take pride in your work, then you better make sure you are 110% satisfied with the unhealthy fruits of your labor! Mmm... I want I bite of apple crisp or two!
* Strive for Improvement: My ice cream flavor brainstorming has been on point lately! Kahlua brownie chunk! Strawberry shortcake with bite sized pieces of pound cake! Peanut butter s'mores ! You must collect several samples throughout the batch to make sure the flavors combine perfectly!
* Don't be Wasteful: You're eating plain Greek yogurt and it tastes like sadness! (Try adding some frozen blueberries that have been slightly thawed and it's only mildly tastes like disappointment) Your child has left 3 or 4 bites of their flavored yogurt. You can't let it go to waste. Another example is the crust of their PB&J sandwich. Well, at least it's whole wheat, right?? Well, I mean you might have spread the jelly real close to the edge because you know the crust will be rejected even when they say it won't, but......
AND FINALLY, IT'S NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY! So eat some ice cream and vow to reset your diet tomorrow with me!!!!!!!'
Monday, July 6, 2015
Thoroughly discussed exciting news
If you have seen us at all recently, then you have without a doubt been told all about this. Sydney lost her two bottom teeth. I could write all about it or I could just list a bunch of Syd's comment..... Quoting her is usually much funnier than anything I could come up with so here you go!
Mom, guess what! I have a loose tooth! See, it's right here. I know it's loose because my friend told me and she is older than me so she knows!
What are we having for lunch? Remember! My tooth is loose!
I can't believe that my tooth is finally loose!
Do you think that I should wiggle it?
When will it come out?
Are you excited? Are you just excited or really excited? Why are you so excited?
I can't wait to tell Daddy!
Should I tell my teacher when I have school next time?
Do you think that I should tell the post office man when we get there?
when will the rest of my teeth fall out?
So soon I'll have all my grown up teeth and then I'll be ready to be a mom? (Pretty sure I had a mild heart attack with that one)
Is the tooth fairy real? I think it's just you and daddy!
How much money will the tooth fairy give me? Do think it will be a lot?
I wiggled it! Do you think that it's looser?
Pop-Pop pulled your teeth out? Maybe I should ask him since he knows how!
I can't wait to tell Daddy!
So do you think that the tooth fairy will give me lots of money? I just want to know so I know what I can buy. Because like if she gives me $18, I could buy something REALLY EXPENSIVE!!
Daddy! Daddy! DAD! DAAAD! I have to tell you something very exciting! Can you come here now? Daddy! Dad...... Mom, he isn't coming up here yet! Dad! Dad, can you hurry up so i can tell you.... Mom, why is he taking so long? Hi Daddy.... Never mind, I'll tell you in a little bit. I need to do it when I am ready
Okay Daddy, I have a loose tooth! Are you excited for me?
Mom, do you think that Daddy is really excited or is he just saying that? Yeah, I think he is excited too!
When will my tooth come out?
My friend wiggled my tooth today and she said it'll come out really soon!
What should I eat to help my tooth come out?
Maybe I'll ask Pop-Pop to pull it. Are you sure he pulled your teeth?
Should I be wiggling it when I watch TV?
My friend wiggled my tooth for me again!
Pop-Pop can you pull my tooth out for me?
Umm Mommy, next time I think that I am going to let my tooth come out in its' own time!
I don't even want to tell you how much money the girl got from the tooth fairy and her grandparents! I feel like I should have gotten a cut of it for answering all her questions! I think we talked more about teeth that week than a dental school student does in a year!
Mom, guess what! I have a loose tooth! See, it's right here. I know it's loose because my friend told me and she is older than me so she knows!
What are we having for lunch? Remember! My tooth is loose!
I can't believe that my tooth is finally loose!
Do you think that I should wiggle it?
When will it come out?
Are you excited? Are you just excited or really excited? Why are you so excited?
I can't wait to tell Daddy!
Should I tell my teacher when I have school next time?
Do you think that I should tell the post office man when we get there?
when will the rest of my teeth fall out?
So soon I'll have all my grown up teeth and then I'll be ready to be a mom? (Pretty sure I had a mild heart attack with that one)
Is the tooth fairy real? I think it's just you and daddy!
How much money will the tooth fairy give me? Do think it will be a lot?
I wiggled it! Do you think that it's looser?
Pop-Pop pulled your teeth out? Maybe I should ask him since he knows how!
I can't wait to tell Daddy!
So do you think that the tooth fairy will give me lots of money? I just want to know so I know what I can buy. Because like if she gives me $18, I could buy something REALLY EXPENSIVE!!
Daddy! Daddy! DAD! DAAAD! I have to tell you something very exciting! Can you come here now? Daddy! Dad...... Mom, he isn't coming up here yet! Dad! Dad, can you hurry up so i can tell you.... Mom, why is he taking so long? Hi Daddy.... Never mind, I'll tell you in a little bit. I need to do it when I am ready
Okay Daddy, I have a loose tooth! Are you excited for me?
Mom, do you think that Daddy is really excited or is he just saying that? Yeah, I think he is excited too!
When will my tooth come out?
My friend wiggled my tooth today and she said it'll come out really soon!
What should I eat to help my tooth come out?
Maybe I'll ask Pop-Pop to pull it. Are you sure he pulled your teeth?
Should I be wiggling it when I watch TV?
My friend wiggled my tooth for me again!
Pop-Pop can you pull my tooth out for me?
Umm Mommy, next time I think that I am going to let my tooth come out in its' own time!
I don't even want to tell you how much money the girl got from the tooth fairy and her grandparents! I feel like I should have gotten a cut of it for answering all her questions! I think we talked more about teeth that week than a dental school student does in a year!
Sunday, May 31, 2015
I'm baaaaack!!
Well hello there, all 3 of my readers!
Have you missed me?? I know it's been a LONG, LONG time! You probably thought that my family threatened to kill me after that Christmas greeting, but despite my best efforts, I haven't driven them to that point yet. I just didn't have much inspiration. This is pretty much what my entire winter boils down to:
I HATE WINTER!
I AM SO, SO COLD!
WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?
IS WINTER OVER YET?
I'M FREAKIN FREEZING!
YOUR GLOVES WERE JUST HERE!
I HATE HAVING TO SCRAPE ICE OFF MY WINDSHIELD!
WINTER, YOU SUCK!
WHY IS IT SO FLIPPIN COLD!
DARN IT! I JUST BOUGHT YOU NEW GLOVES! HOW CAN THEY BE LOST!
WINTER IS THE WORST!
SHUT UP! I CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT WINTER AS MUCH AS I WANT! I NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SUMMER! I DO NOT! JUST UP!
I AM COLDER THAN COLD
OH GREAT! I DON'T HAVE HANDS ANYMORE. I HAVE CLAWS! SPENT ALL MY TIME LOOKING FOR YOUR GLOVES AND FORGOT MINE!
WINTER WILL NEVER EVER END AND I AM GONNA DIE!
See, you didn't want to hear all that! Also, while I was stuck at home with time practically moving backwards. I started saying yes to everything and volunteering for things without checking the calendar (because there are so, so, so many boring hours in a week!) Then spring hit and I realized that I was gonna have an ugly spring!!! I see you making a mental note to wait until winter to ask me for that favor! Just stop it! I won't do it! Who am I kidding! I will totally say yes and then sometime in April, I will be asking myself if I really like you enough to go through this stress;)
And I might as well get this terrible news out of the way..... *takes a deep breath* It looks like there will not be a Wiggles Concert for us this year. Enough of my facebook friends must have gathered together and prayed! There isn't one in PA this year! Not sure how Karen and I.... I mean Karen's kids and my kids will handle the disappointment!
Have you missed me?? I know it's been a LONG, LONG time! You probably thought that my family threatened to kill me after that Christmas greeting, but despite my best efforts, I haven't driven them to that point yet. I just didn't have much inspiration. This is pretty much what my entire winter boils down to:
I HATE WINTER!
I AM SO, SO COLD!
WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?
IS WINTER OVER YET?
I'M FREAKIN FREEZING!
YOUR GLOVES WERE JUST HERE!
I HATE HAVING TO SCRAPE ICE OFF MY WINDSHIELD!
WINTER, YOU SUCK!
WHY IS IT SO FLIPPIN COLD!
DARN IT! I JUST BOUGHT YOU NEW GLOVES! HOW CAN THEY BE LOST!
WINTER IS THE WORST!
SHUT UP! I CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT WINTER AS MUCH AS I WANT! I NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SUMMER! I DO NOT! JUST UP!
I AM COLDER THAN COLD
OH GREAT! I DON'T HAVE HANDS ANYMORE. I HAVE CLAWS! SPENT ALL MY TIME LOOKING FOR YOUR GLOVES AND FORGOT MINE!
WINTER WILL NEVER EVER END AND I AM GONNA DIE!
See, you didn't want to hear all that! Also, while I was stuck at home with time practically moving backwards. I started saying yes to everything and volunteering for things without checking the calendar (because there are so, so, so many boring hours in a week!) Then spring hit and I realized that I was gonna have an ugly spring!!! I see you making a mental note to wait until winter to ask me for that favor! Just stop it! I won't do it! Who am I kidding! I will totally say yes and then sometime in April, I will be asking myself if I really like you enough to go through this stress;)
And I might as well get this terrible news out of the way..... *takes a deep breath* It looks like there will not be a Wiggles Concert for us this year. Enough of my facebook friends must have gathered together and prayed! There isn't one in PA this year! Not sure how Karen and I.... I mean Karen's kids and my kids will handle the disappointment!
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