Grocery shopping with children is not for the weak. The goal is always to leave with just a little bit of my dignity intact. I think that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening at the exact moment I win the lottery and I don't even play the lottery.
I never stop chasing the rainbow to get the pot of gold though. First, it's starts with making a list. I don't mean to brag (I really, really do) but I am ridiculously AWESOME at planning a trip to the grocery store! I check the flyer ahead of time. I know all the deals and match them up with all the coupons! I know all the aisles like the back of my hand or the inside of the freezer at 9am when I am eating some ice cream and don't want the kids to know (what? it's kids' bedtime somewhere!) The holy grail of shopping experiences should be within my reach, right? RIGHT????
It begins before we enter the building and I am not even talking about the stuffed animal negotiations. I have accepted that fact that we will always have several stuffed animals with us. I'm talking about cart selection. I always end up with the messed up cart and it behaves it's self until after I get the kids all set and several things in my cart. Then all hell breaks loose and it rattles and shakes. You're trying to go left and the demon possessing it says it can only go straight or right ( and one wheel will spin in the opposite direction at all times!) You must answer one of life's toughest questions... Either unload and start over with a new cart or be that person squeaking all around the store! I always go with squeaking! Better to have everyone staring at me than 2 kids melting down because my time ran out. And there is always a time limit, my friend! The set time might be different for each kid, but if you exceed that time, there will be a horrific transformation before your eyes. Your precious angel will become THAT KID in grocery store (make sure you say "that kid" with the same disgusted look a non parent parenting expert has as they reign judgement down on you!)
After much squeaking and near miss of displays stands, you somehow you make it through the store still holding onto a shred of dignity. You need to reapply deodorant and you probably forgot a few things because you were moving so fast, but hey, that just means you saved some money. Probably feeling a little proud that you made it through with only a couple "come here, please! Come here! Please. Come. Here! GET OVER HERE NOW!" and a few "because I said no!" This is the part where things get real.
If picking the worst lane was an Olympic sport, I'd win the gold medal every time! I weigh my options so carefully! I inventory each conveyor belt. I observe which lanes have baggers. I consider my gut instinct and then think about the opposite choice because my gut I'd always wrong. Then I go with neither of those choices because even the opposite of my gut instinct is wrong. I eventually settle and brace myself because the check out gets me EVERY TIME! I can't list all of the problems, but here are a few that will stay with me forever, no matter how much therapy or banging my head against the steering wheel I try.
Eyelashes 101
I can't remember exactly how old Nathan was, but he was still at the age where he was sitting in the seat in the cart and not in the nifty car part in the front that the Devil had to have designed. The little daredevil figured out how to get his legs out, stand up, and jump towards me as I was pushing the cart. Yeah, I don't know why I don't have a ton of grey hair either! We made it to the check out and were patiently trying to wait. Nathan kept leaping for me because he was DONE! It was taking forever! The cashier was chatting away as she SLOWLY rung up the food of the person in front of me. She was telling the woman all about her fake eyelashes... like discussing every possible detail! Finally, it was our turn and I had to hold my restless toddler and with one hand, grab the food, coupons, and store card. With all the trying to keep Nathan alive, I forgot to grab one of the coupon items. Ms. Eyelashes very slowly explained to me that I should only give them coupons for food that I'm actually buying. It slows the cashiers down when they have to look for things you don't actually have. I gave her a look but those fake eyelashes must have been too thick for her to see... I just sighed and walked away letting her think that I was a complete idiot.
Shiny Objects
Is it just me or do the check out aisles need to be at least a foot wider!?! There is absolutely zero room and it's near impossible to see what your child is doing while sitting in the front. I made the mistake of sitting little Nathan on the right side, where he had easy access to all the candy. He didn't know that it was candy at the time but they sure looked interesting with their shiny wrappers. In the time it took me to take the groceries out of the cart, the kid had 6 candy bars and 2 bags of skittles in his lap, and another bag of skittles dangling from his mouth. I discretely shoved the candy bars back in place with no problem. The little animal managed to open one bag of skittles with his teeth. I had to buy it. I hid it amongst the other groceries, hoping the clerk wouldn't pay attention when she scanned it. I was so close to sneaking out with a little bit of dignity, but I made one fatal mistake, I forgot to wipe up the toddler slobber. I guess I am so used to it that I didn't even notice. She, on the other hand, was NOT! Her face was priceless and my face, oh so apologetic.
Carnival Games
The aisles at this particular grocery store were really small. The cart was parked just past the candy but still away from the end of the aisle. It was perfect! No stealing candy and no exiting the vehicle! Or not! Always willing to raise to the challenge, Nathan figured out how to lean forward and arch his back so he could pop out of the "windshield" part of the car. Every time he popped up, I gently shoved his head back in. This continued the whole time I unloaded the groceries. It was like a really embarrassing game of Whack a Mole where you get pit stains in the end instead of prize tickets!
I could keep going with more examples but this sucker is getting really long and I need to make a list for the grocery store... Maybe this time will be the time it all goes smoothly! HA!
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