Christmas Gifts with a Purpose

  After a wonderful Christmas, I was left with the task of unpacking all the treasures and finding them a new home.  As I was sorting my stuff, I noticed something I had overlooked in the chaos of wrapping paper flying and kiddos trying to sneak candy.  There was something fishy going on here. I got 2 very different pairs of pajamas! One from my sister in law and one from my In laws.  The average person would have missed the hidden messages, but lucky for you, I am no where near average!!

I'm in college and I work full time, I don't have the time or money to shop for anymore nieces or nephews, so don't even think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I REALLY love having grand kids! The More the merrier!

Okay, this is all in good fun! My brain is just always looking for a funny, blog worthy angle.  I know my sister in law was definitely not thinking anything when she purchased them. In fact, I bet that while she read this, she probably threw up in her mouth a little.  Ewwww! Thank goodness that I know for a fact that my niece and nephew floated down from Heaven on a cloud :) As for my in-laws, the claim was that it was a robe to replace the old one (See blog entry : Farewell Old Friend). I did describe the old one as huge, fuzzy, and unattractive and something to keep me warm when I didn't shave my legs.  This doesn't scream warm and cozy and it definitely requires shaving your legs ;)

Nice try but a winning lottery ticket and maid would have worked better! Lol!

Abnormal Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas from the Fords!


   Dear Friends and family,

        After looking at all your wonderful Christmas cards and reading about all your awesome year end summaries, we figured we would try to feel a bit better about ourselves by bragging to those near and dear to our heart.  So let's dive right in.

Stephen and Jamie: We had a pretty exciting year. We ummm...... We accomplished a...... Well..... we found a better trash company. Saving a few dollars, always good! We have lived in our house for a little over 6 yrs and it shows! A lot of dust and cobwebs can collect and a lot of paint can chip off in 6 yrs. We each had another successful stagnant year at our jobs.  They pay just enough of the bills to almost balance out the soul crushing effect of the daily grind.  Speaking of soul crushing, I am pretty sure that I have finally worn down and broken Stephen's spirit.  He just doesn't have it in him to fight my crazy schemes anymore.  Case in point, I hosted a dozen kids play with about 10 gallons of jello on a tarp in the living room.  Only a broken man would let his wife do that.  Oh, how could I forget we both turned the big 3-0!  Stephen opted for a small, quiet celebration, while I faked not wanting to be the center of attention and lapped up every bit of focus on me.  Stephen is aging like fine wine, but most days I feel like I am aging like one of France's  other specialties..... Cheese!  I'm like that one type of cheese on the cheese plate that is pretty scary.  It's aged and it shows. It's an acquired taste and rather sharp.  You kinda have to close your eyes and give yourself a pep talk to get near it.  Stephen would argue that it's not true, but this year he found out he was long over due for glasses. I rest my case!

Jello Insanity

Sydney: Finally using the potty! As you all know, she got to go on stage with the Wiggles.  She continues to play with imaginary wiggles.  I think my obsession is having a negative effect on her, but I have not come to a place where I can make changes. I need to hit rock bottom ( not sure what rock bottom of a Wiggles obsession looks like but I am guessing there is probably a one way ticket to Australia or a tattoo of Anthony on a bum cheek involved)  Anyway, back to Syd! She started preschool this year and is perfecting her tattle tail skills and making sure everything is fair and equal, unless it involves her getting more than others.  She is extremely smart and I am sure she would have been a child prodigy, if not for the vast amounts of  TV we let her watch.

Nathan: He turned one in February and I'd say it's been all down hill from there, but it's more like up chairs, tables, kitchen islands, end tables, boxes, window sills, couches, toilets, stairs, and any other place a child should not go.  He is also very smart and saying new words every day ( his new catch phase is "Hey, that's pretty cool") which is even more surprising than Syd because she had millions of hours of us reading  to combat all the tv watching.  I forgot to read to him for most of the first year of his life.  He got to spend lots of this this year plotting danger schemes with his cousin Micah.  It's amazing that they have not been to the hospital many times.


We had a lovely vacation this year. We went to the Outer Banks and got sand in places God never intended sand to be as we tried to force our kids to love the ocean.  We went in the pool, then the beach, then the pool, then the beach, then the pool, then the beach, then the pool, then the beach, then the pool,then the beach, then the pool, and that was just the first day!  On the last day I was pretty sick and it was AWESOME! With all the adults around, I was able to hand off the kids and lay in bed and be sick like a MAN!  I napped and read all day. Sure, there were a couple moments during my illness, I wished for death, but overall, it was pretty awesome.  I plan on licking a few hospital elevator buttons before our next vacation.  That way I can get sick and relax in the beginning of the vacation and, fingers crossed, look better in my bathing suits by the end of the week!

Stephen also accidently brought the spawn of Satan home for our children.  It's not his fault, it was disguised as the most adorable kitten you have ever seen!   While he does an impressive job of putting up with the kids extreme love, he lives to make me crazy!  He steals and eats waffles and cereal bars.  He bites and scratches and slams his head into door until he can wake the kids up.

I could go on and on, but I don't want to you feel bad about your inferior life! We hope 2014 is an awesome year for you and your family, but not too much better than yours!

love,
Jamie, Stephen, Syd, Nathan, and the teeny tiny Devil

Ps I am really not this self absorbed, but I know if I need to make myself the butt of my jokes or my family will kill me and use this blog to prove it was justified!

Although, clearly I must be pretty awesome to get my picture with Jeffrey Tambor

Got to be a part of my honorary sister Alyssa's wedding

Just in case you haven't heard

Sydney with her new cousin

When life hands you a pyscho cat........

Bust out the tarps and finger paints and get a little revenge!

  We were so clever, we put the Christmas tree in Syd's room so we could keep Nathan and Charlie out of trouble.  Yes, apparently we are dumber than you thought!  That poor tree didn't have a chance! Every time we went upstairs, Nathan rearranged the ornaments and used swift Ninja like movements to steal candy canes ( in case you were wondering, 4 yr old candy canes are edible, just a little chewy!) And Charlie just..... well take a look!

I don't recall hanging that furry ornament

Going

Going

Gone

 

 

 

 
What's a mom to do when an evil cat breaks the Christmas tree? Throw the cat out the window? Oh how I wish! Nope, make a tree that the little demon can't climb!  Here is the making of our unique tree:

4 poster boards, a big tarp, finger paint, some smelly feet

Paint the feet

Make foot print branches

Hmmm..... needs some decorations

Totally clueless to what's about to happen

You do the crime, you pay the time

Yup, I used the cat like a furry little stamp

That'll teach him to mess with the tree

Now to string up the lights

Don't laugh at it! It has personality

Just waiting to be surrounded by presents

 Disclaimer: No animals were really harmed in the making of this tree. I swear he didn't even hiss or spaz out!

Christmas Song Parody

  I have no musical talent so cut me some slack. It works in my head. Technically, this is not true because I did not clean out my van, more like looked at the mess and thought about it. But it's the thought that counts, right?

I'll just do the final run through

On the 12th hour of van cleaning this crazy mom did see,
    12 broken goldfish
    11 disgarded fall coats
    10 thrown toys
      9 candy wrappers
      8 Sunday school papers
      7 annoying CDs
      6 crumpled shopping lists
      5 flipping unmatched socks
      4 pairs of flip flops
      3 moldy sippy cups
      2 bags of trash
   And a potty seat for gas station rest stops!!!
   

Farewell Old Friend

   Sometimes when I walk by your old place, I go to reach out for you and I have to remind myself that you're not there.  It's so hard to believe after all that we have been through together, you're gone.  I will be forever grateful for you for the rest of my life.  You were the best darn fuzzy, purple robe that a girl could ask for!
    No one could take a hospital gown and take it to a whole new level of unattractive, but you kept my bum from being exposed.  You paired so well with my nursing tank tops!  You were so versitile! I could dress you up with sweat pants and a t-shirt or dress you down with pj pants and a t shirt.  I wish I had a photo of you but if the camera adds 10 lbs, you added a solid 20-30 lbs!

When I was up in the middle of the night with my babies,
                  You were there!
When I was up in the middle of the night sobbing with a fussy baby,
                   Your collar was there!
When someone spilled milk at the breakfast table,
                 Your sleeves were there!
When the laundry should have been done 12 days earlier and I had nothing clean,
                  You were there!
When I was cold and my Husband said, "Get away! You're legs are cutting me!"
                 You were there!

Good bye my dear friend!  Parting with you was one of the hardest things ever, but it had to be done.  There was just no way to clean off all that barf after Syd throw up on me.  Even in the end you saved me from such horror!

Sucks to be me by guest blogger Charlie the Cat

   Hello, my name is Charlie Biscuit ( I know it makes no sense, but that's what happens when a 3 1/2 yr old names you!) I have been trapped here since the summer.  I keep trying to escape and they keep dragging me back.  My life is a nightmare!
    Let's start out with the head of the household, Mr. Spraybottle. Why is it that I am always getting sprayed for doing "bad" things?  I see those monsters of yours on the table way more than I am and yet they remain nice and dry.  Maybe we would get a little more peace and quiet if you sprayed them once and a while. By the way, I applaud your effort on trying to keep me locked up at night but I am an evil genius.

 

     But Mr. Spraybottle is nothing compared to his other half, Frumpy Grump.  Why do you get so mad at me when I come in and wake the kids up? You have no problem with them waking me up.  I am sick and tired of you tossing me off the table when I try to grab a bite to eat.  That food you give me is crap and you know they aren't going to eat anything.  Someone actually appreciates your cooking and you throw them aside. What the heck is wrong with you?  Your love for the Wiggles makes me uncomfortable and when I twitch in my sleep it's because I am having nightmares of you doing the Hot Potato. {cringes}  I think I figured out why the house is so messy.  You know that I was born in a barn, literally surrounded by horse s***, so you were just trying to ease my transition into your home with something familiar. Well, we can stop living in filth! I have adjusted! Please clean! Licking myself  has become a full time job!

    Now for the worst of the worst...... The Smother twins, also known as Big Terror and Little Terror.  ENOUGH WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS! You say you want to play and then run around screaming and crying.  What's a few bites and scratches amongst friends? And could you please love me a little less! Stay out of my personal bubble and keep your cousin away from me too.  Darn right, you scared me, Far Away Terror!!  How about we all learn to share too! I can't play with your toys and you take my toys and I get stuck with crap like this

You can keep trying, but I'm not touching that

Won't somebody help me?

There! There! Now get the heck off

Seriously, where are your parents?

Freakin Thrilled

You think this is funny? Go ahead take a picture. I'm gonna wake the kids up at 5am tomorrow

oomph! Can't breathe

Far away Terror is visiting. NO!!!!!!

This can't be good!!!!!

Just one more thing before I go.  I know this sounds vain, but I have heard many, many people call me cute!  Therefore, Little Terror, you should have no problem telling the difference between my butt and my face.  If you pick me up upside down again, so help me, I am going to scratch a smiley face on your butt so people get confused and you can feel all the blood rushing to your head!!

     

Cake Envy

This little cake for Sydney's preschool class, it's no big deal. Oh yes it is! I had nothing better to do and it was for the kids. I had laundry piled up to the ceiling. Just for the kids? HA! I was embarrassed while I was bringing it in because I went a little overboard. You better believed I walked in nice and slow so everyone saw.  Yeah, that's right! I may look like death warmed over. I'm not headed for the gym in my size 2 running outfit.  My kid has got mismatched socks and is hugging a cooling rack. But I don't care because you can't make a cake like this. Please don't feel inferior, I do this for a living. Hate me!


TOTALLY JOKING!!!

   Okay, I'm going to get a little serious right now.... Strange for me, I know! There is an extreme cake craze across the nation and the madness needs to stop! Don't get me wrong. I love my job and the challenge and stretch of creativity it brings, but everyone should stop feeling like every kid cake has to be insane.  Parents either go nuts trying to make one, spend a lot, or feel bad because it doesn't light up, look life like, or 6 ft tall. Stop freaking out every year and save the grand cakes for special birthdays and celebrations. ( Make sure you give me a call then!)
     Because here is the thing about cake, whether it's a life size model of someone or a lopsided betty crocker, it's all going to the same place.  You're going to eat it and poop it out! My cakes aren't headed to the Louvre and aren't going to save the world.  They're destined for the intestine. (please forgive me for that one! It was pathetic!) So not worth the stress unless you are a pastry chef and live for that torture ;) If you're having fun, keep at it and get creative, but don't torture yourself to keep up.  Is your cake yummy? Was your child happy? Then be proud of it!  
     You know what I do when I can't do something well?  I include my kids in the production.  You look like a super cool mom and you can blame them for the imperfect parts. If you subtly get them to touch YOUR mess ups, it's technically not lying! 
    Now that I have destroyed my one advantage to look like a super mom, ruined my chance to be part of any secret pastry chef society, and talked about poop, I think I better end this! 

Click away from Pinterest! Turn off the Food network! Grab some sprinkles or funfetti!
 

A very wiggly 30th birthday party

 There is a very fine line between the type of crazy that is funny and the kind that makes people plaster on a smile and say through gritted teeth "Just smile and nod! Don't make any sudden movements!" I tend to dance along that line for a few good jokes.  Sometimes when I am pointing my fingers and doing the twist {wiggles reference} I stumble and cross over that line and I have the personalized Wiggles t-shirt to prove it.  I thought it would be best to not have and more wiggle loving themed posts, but my family threw the most awkwardly awesome Wiggles themed 30th birthday party for me and I had to share some pictures!

There were wiggle plates, cups, and wiggle colored utensils

Continuing the color theme with jelly beans

One awesome cake

Yes, this party is over the top :)

Who knew my mom was such a creative genius

Pick your favorite flavors and toss them in some sprite

Representing old and new... Old school big red car and Syd as Emma Wiggle

Now, I don't want to you be confused.  I am limiting wiggle themed writing because not everyone can relate. It's not because I don't love them enough.  I mean it would be a dream come true if they stumbled upon my blog entries and were all like "Wow, that mom is funny!  What a cool fan!" It would be the best day ever, unless..... unless they didn't get my humor and thought that I was creepy.  Oh that would be awful if I weirded out the Wiggles. Next thing you know they are doing rock, paper, scissors and the loser has to collect roses on the side of the stage where we are sitting,  Or the security guards have like a mug shot of me so they know what to look for.  Oh what if it really freaked them out and I had to call ticket master requesting tickets for the very last row because I am required to maintain a certain distance from them at all times.  The would be....... Hey, what's that face about? What? Why are you looking like that? Oh no! I crossed that line, didn't I? No, I took a running leap, flipped, and stuck my landing in Crazy town. No, please don't go! I promise I will only write about normal crazy mom stuff.  Can we please still be reader and blogger? Please don't break up with me!  I'll cool it on the Wiggles talk. I can be cool about it. Really, I can!!! Please stay!

Nap Rage

Does your kid sleep through the night?
How long do they nap?
Awake times?
Do you Ferber?
You rock your kid to sleep! Don't you know you will mess them up for life?
4 month wakeful!?!
Reverse cycling?
Dream feeds?
To cry it out or not to cry it out?

   Whether you swear by Babywise, go-with-the-flow, or  you're just trying to be a survivor, your child's sleep or lack there of has probably consumed your life at one point! It's no wonder that I experienced an ongoing bout of "Nap Rage." Never heard of it? Probably because I made the term up, but I bet that you experienced at least a tiny dose of it. Nap rage is the blinding rage you feel towards any person or thing that has disturbed your baby's sleep. The universe should know that it's suppose to stay still when you finally get your precious baby to sleep. You may be PETAs biggest supporter, but when that neighborhood dog barks and wakes your kid up, you're totally fantasizing about kicking it. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me! It's not your fault, it's NAP RAGE! It takes a person and makes them crazy. I have shook my hand at the sky, wanting to punch thunder in the face. What the heck? What sane person does that? I'll tell you who! An exhausted mom who just wanted to relax after finally getting her baby to bed. A mom suffering from the RAGE!
    I will never forget my worst case of nap rage. It had been a rough night! I FINALLY got Sydney back to sleep right around the time my husband got up for work. I was just drifting off when I heard it through the monitor. He was in the bathroom (just next to Syd's room) tapping his tooth brush against the sink to knock off any water still on it. I heard Sydney move a little and thought maybe she would fall back to sleep. No such luck, right after he left for work, she let out a wail. In my exhaustion and fury, I did something I am not proud of. I texted my husband and told him that I was going to spend all day while he was at work, coming up with a way to kill him with his tooth brush and make it look like an accident. Definitely not a Proverb 31 wife moment. He had no idea that this could be the worse or the sickness he was referring to in our wedding vows. Probably didn't picture me trying to orchestrate the til death do us part bit either! (No wonder he got a few sympathy cards and a couple of hotel business cards from a few of my relatives when we got married!)
      Tragically there is no real cure for nap rage. You just have to battle with yourself to remain calm until the nap phase is over. I recommend lots prayer and repentance, chocolate, and grandparents ;)

A letter to me

Today I turn 30. Yikes!  Makes a girl take a walk down memory lane.  If I could somehow go back in time and give myself a letter, this is what it would say:


Dear Jamie,
      We just turned 30 and we are as old and decrepted as we thought. Yea, us! Here are a few things I wanted to tell you...

1.  Just say no to mooning the camera! I know our butt was probably at it's peak cuteness at 5, but seriously stop! You don't want to know how many many people have been stunned by those cheeks while watching what they thought were normal home videos.

2.  Don't listen to Mrs. Moyer when she calls your brillant attempt to mimic the abstract art from the school assembly "awful scribble!" Choose art electives in school.  With Art lessons and baking skills, we could have been bigger than the Cake Boss!!  Yeah, that's right Mrs. Moyer, I'm calling you out! Way to stomp on my chances for success.

look, I even drew a copy of the painting that inspired me!

3. Hey, you know that pastor's kid who got in trouble for whipping out nail clippers at recess? You're gonna be Mrs. Nail clippers in the future.

4. Sure, it was a sweet moment of revenge when you tied your brother to a chair with a jump rope and wrote flute killer on his forehead for breaking your flute keys, but it's not worth it.  It's going to be brought up over and over and over again!

5.  While we are at it, leave your brother alone! He is gonna grow up to be a beast and you know what they say about pay backs!

6.  Let's be realistics about our dream job. Marine biologist? Really? You can't even pick up a fish stick! How are you going to be the next Jacque Cousteau?

7. When your mom asks you to start the grill,  RUN AWAY! Keep your bangs and avoid the nick name "Singeja"  I think that there was even a cat named that in your honnor

8. Drug your mom before your first time driving on the turnpike.  She is going to turn to your brother and sister and tell them that she loves them just in case something happens.  She is not kidding!  She is gonna have a death grip on the seats in front of her the whole time. Knock her out!

9. Don't be such a dork! Skip on senior skip day! And for heaven's sakes, don't go to school during seniors finals week when you don't really have to just to go to your "internship" in the cafeteria..... holy crap! That's so wrong!

10.  While it was smart to do a trial run taking the train/subway to culinary school before it started, let's not make it a family event.  Can you imagine what everyone thought seeing 5 of the whitest people ever in a herd stumbling through public transportation together!  We didn't even ask for help, they came up to us.

11. Elope!!!! Forget all that stress!!

12. When you have your first baby, relax!  You will survive their first year.  They will sleep eventually.  You aren't going to screw them up too badly..... yet

A very martha Halloween

I don't know what happened, one minute I am looking at the lame "cat" costumes at walmart and the next minute I am barreling down the craft section saying "Twenty bucks for those, screw that! I can make it myself!" It was some bizarre moment of insanity where I thought I was the next Martha Stewart! I have sewn 2 things in my life a pillow and a pair of boxers, both in middle school. Before you ask, Yes! I am a moron!


            A GUIDE TO MAKE A COSTUME LIKE AN IDIOT

Gather your materials: black shirt, black pants, black felt, pink felt, scissors, headband, weird fuzzy boa thing, hot glue gun just sort of appeared at your house, and the inserts from and old push up bra (what? It's called upcycling!) Don't forget your cup of coffee! You're gonna need it!

Carefully make a "pattern" so that all the ear pieces are the same. Hold back a little profanity when they still all look a little different. Why is there a tab at the bottom? Cause I am genius and designed a flap to wrap around the head band. These masterpieces can't be falling down!

Put the pieces with the tabs down first and then cut the bra padding in half and put on top. Then take the hot glue gun that you bought/borrowed/stole? and glue all around the edges. Quickly throw on the top piece and pinch the edges together to seal.  When your finger tips are seared off, you know they are pressed together enough

Tell your child not to touch the glue gun or anything around it 40 times and then watch in horror as they touch a still hot glue blob.  It also would be smart to notice that your glue gun has 2 settings: hot and molten lava.  Switch it back to hot and it will stop smoking as it pours out and won't hurt so badly ( at least you can rob a house and leave no traces of finger prints now!)

[Please note the size of the ice chunk does not indicate size of injury. Someone just enjoys playing with ice]

Cut out little pink triangles and glue them on to the "ears"  Then wrap the tabs around the head band and glue it all together.  If you happen to only have one stick of glue and need something to push the last bit of glue, you can jam your pinky into the hole and push it through, cause you aren't a quitter! And too lazy to go back to the store. (This living on the edge, pinky work is also the reason I don't have any pictures of those steps. Just use your imagination!)

To complete the look, cut off a chunk of the feather boa, find random string in the house, tie the string to the "tails" and tie the string around your poor child's waist.  Thank goodness she is too young to know any better!

This project has an added bonus! It helps you weed out your friends. If they tell you that you did a good job or it looks cute, you can cross them of the list of friends who will give you an honest answer. These people will not tell you your butt looks huge in your jeans and will let you walk around with an awful haircut!!

The best part of all this is that she wore these for about 20 minutes at the Church harvest festival and then I accidentally snapped the head band part trying to adjust something and she went trick or treating as a princess. If you ever see me running around the craft with material or felt, feel free to smack me up side my head and drag me out of there.