This is what it's like in my brain during the last week of summer!!
(I know, it's a scary place!)
WILL SUMMER EVER END??
Nooooooooo!!! Summer can't be almost over!
Seriously, each day feels like an eternity! Is time moving backwards? Did somebody hit the pause button?
Seriously, where does the time go? The weeks are flying by!
WE. NEED. A. ROUTINE!
OH NO! Not a routine again! NO! NO! NO!
When will my day come? When will I be able to sit by the pool and read? They will be little forever! How much longer until they can be trusted to apply their own sunblock?
I blinked and my little babies turned into a kindergartner and preschooler! I might as well start planning Sydney's high school graduation party now! She is going to an Elementary school. I am gonna blink again and we will be looking at Colleges! THERE IS NO TIME LEFT! SHE'LL BE MOVING OUT AND I'LL BE LOST! MY BABY! I CAN'T HANDLE IT! STOP GROWING!
But who will stop and count the lobsters with me at the grocery store?
Praise the Lord! I can grocery shop without them! We will starve during Christmas break and next summer because I am never ever going shopping with them again! For real! I can't take it anymore!
I'm so sad! They are going to be so heartbroken when they are apart. They are best friends and need to play with each other!
I can not wait for them to be at separate schools at different times of the day! Way too much togetherness and refereeing fights!
But we have so much left to do!
I am so done entertaining! I don't want to go anywhere else! Playground tour 2015 is wrapping up!!
I can't deal with my babies being away from me. Is it too late to switch to homeschooling so that I...... What are you doing? No hitting! No, I don't care who started it. We don't hit! Nathan, no, we do not lick faces either! Be nice to each other! You need to share. Share! I said SHARE..... wait, what was I doing? Oh that's right! Googling boarding schools in the area!
Friday, August 28, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Post Vacation Apocalypse
We got back from vacation last Sunday so that meant all sorts of pain and suffering for Mommy this week! It happens every year and always ends the same. By Friday, Mommy most definitely needs a vacation, but she NEVER EVER wants to get in the car with children again. The only sensible option is to put the TV on for the kids and then hide under the covers while cradling a giant bag of candy in your arms and whisper sweet nothings to it until it's all gone. (and you have licked all the chocolate dust in the corners)
In case you don't have kids or you have older children and have completely blocked all this out, let me explain what vacations means for kids:
ALL THE FUN ALL THE TIME
Bedtime.. What's that?
Mom and Dad 24/7 for entertainment and if you are lucky enough grandparents, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins
Rules about sugar and treats... vaguely remember those
Adventures galore
Sleep is for the weak!Just GO! GO! GO!
And now for the Apocalypse:
NOTHING MEETS THE NEW STANDARDS SET FOR FUN
Exhaustion because they used up their last little bit of energy asking "are we home yet? and saying "It's taking a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time" 1,463 times each
Massive sugar withdraw because when the healthy snacks (used to prevent all the asking) ran out, we resorted to gummy sharks to keep their mouths busy and quiet
The dream team of entertainers has be disbanded and only left with lame old Mom who has the nerve to try and accomplish things like put laundry away instead of play 24/7
Bedtime... It's the worst
Daily routine.... Also the worst!
The only solution to the misery that their lives have become is to cry! There are too many examples to count. I'm so tired! I can find the energy to share a few highlights though.
Stephen went back to work which apparently was a real slap in the face for the kids. How dare he return to work!?! Nathan was grumpy as can be and wouldn't say goodbye. Then 30 seconds later, he cried and cried because Daddy left without doing the high five routine. Stephen heard the crying and came back downstairs and Nathan wouldn't make eye contact or move his hand.Eventually, Stephen had to give up and left. This resulted in Nathan running upstairs,watching Stephen pull away, and then throwing himself on the floor crying. Lucky Me!
A few days ago, Nathan got a cut on his big toe. I don't know what exactly happened after because I walked away for a second, but I think there was a great disagreement over who would put the band aid on. Nathan wanted to be independent and Syd wanted to be the loving older sister. Some how the one end of the band got stuck to itself. I came back to screaming and crying. The world had ended and there was no reason to go on! The frustration level was so great that feet were stomping and arms flailing. They ended up a pile of tears and agony on my lap on the floor in the hallway.
And because Mommy is the worst too, we had to go to the grocery store! How dare I suggest such a terrible, terrible thing!?! Ever the clever one, Sydney remembered that I was working that night and came up with a solution.... I could just go to the grocery store after work. I told her I could but that meant that they would have to wait until the next day to drink more milk because we were out. They lost their minds! How does one decide between the two worst possible situations ever???? Did I know what a cruel person I was? Get in the car and go to the grocery store or live the rest of the day with no milk? What kind of options are those? Being the milk addicts that they are, they settled on going to the grocery store.
As the days went on and we included extra down time, life slowly got back to normal. The emotionally unstable little zombies disappeared and my babies were back. Please don't ask me about any future vacations yet, the eye twitch might come back;)
In case you don't have kids or you have older children and have completely blocked all this out, let me explain what vacations means for kids:
ALL THE FUN ALL THE TIME
Bedtime.. What's that?
Mom and Dad 24/7 for entertainment and if you are lucky enough grandparents, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins
Rules about sugar and treats... vaguely remember those
Adventures galore
Sleep is for the weak!Just GO! GO! GO!
And now for the Apocalypse:
NOTHING MEETS THE NEW STANDARDS SET FOR FUN
Exhaustion because they used up their last little bit of energy asking "are we home yet? and saying "It's taking a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time" 1,463 times each
Massive sugar withdraw because when the healthy snacks (used to prevent all the asking) ran out, we resorted to gummy sharks to keep their mouths busy and quiet
The dream team of entertainers has be disbanded and only left with lame old Mom who has the nerve to try and accomplish things like put laundry away instead of play 24/7
Bedtime... It's the worst
Daily routine.... Also the worst!
The only solution to the misery that their lives have become is to cry! There are too many examples to count. I'm so tired! I can find the energy to share a few highlights though.
Stephen went back to work which apparently was a real slap in the face for the kids. How dare he return to work!?! Nathan was grumpy as can be and wouldn't say goodbye. Then 30 seconds later, he cried and cried because Daddy left without doing the high five routine. Stephen heard the crying and came back downstairs and Nathan wouldn't make eye contact or move his hand.Eventually, Stephen had to give up and left. This resulted in Nathan running upstairs,watching Stephen pull away, and then throwing himself on the floor crying. Lucky Me!
A few days ago, Nathan got a cut on his big toe. I don't know what exactly happened after because I walked away for a second, but I think there was a great disagreement over who would put the band aid on. Nathan wanted to be independent and Syd wanted to be the loving older sister. Some how the one end of the band got stuck to itself. I came back to screaming and crying. The world had ended and there was no reason to go on! The frustration level was so great that feet were stomping and arms flailing. They ended up a pile of tears and agony on my lap on the floor in the hallway.
And because Mommy is the worst too, we had to go to the grocery store! How dare I suggest such a terrible, terrible thing!?! Ever the clever one, Sydney remembered that I was working that night and came up with a solution.... I could just go to the grocery store after work. I told her I could but that meant that they would have to wait until the next day to drink more milk because we were out. They lost their minds! How does one decide between the two worst possible situations ever???? Did I know what a cruel person I was? Get in the car and go to the grocery store or live the rest of the day with no milk? What kind of options are those? Being the milk addicts that they are, they settled on going to the grocery store.
As the days went on and we included extra down time, life slowly got back to normal. The emotionally unstable little zombies disappeared and my babies were back. Please don't ask me about any future vacations yet, the eye twitch might come back;)
Friday, August 7, 2015
The check out gets me every time
Grocery shopping with children is not for the weak. The goal is always to leave with just a little bit of my dignity intact. I think that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening at the exact moment I win the lottery and I don't even play the lottery.
I never stop chasing the rainbow to get the pot of gold though. First, it's starts with making a list. I don't mean to brag (I really, really do) but I am ridiculously AWESOME at planning a trip to the grocery store! I check the flyer ahead of time. I know all the deals and match them up with all the coupons! I know all the aisles like the back of my hand or the inside of the freezer at 9am when I am eating some ice cream and don't want the kids to know (what? it's kids' bedtime somewhere!) The holy grail of shopping experiences should be within my reach, right? RIGHT????
It begins before we enter the building and I am not even talking about the stuffed animal negotiations. I have accepted that fact that we will always have several stuffed animals with us. I'm talking about cart selection. I always end up with the messed up cart and it behaves it's self until after I get the kids all set and several things in my cart. Then all hell breaks loose and it rattles and shakes. You're trying to go left and the demon possessing it says it can only go straight or right ( and one wheel will spin in the opposite direction at all times!) You must answer one of life's toughest questions... Either unload and start over with a new cart or be that person squeaking all around the store! I always go with squeaking! Better to have everyone staring at me than 2 kids melting down because my time ran out. And there is always a time limit, my friend! The set time might be different for each kid, but if you exceed that time, there will be a horrific transformation before your eyes. Your precious angel will become THAT KID in grocery store (make sure you say "that kid" with the same disgusted look a non parent parenting expert has as they reign judgement down on you!)
After much squeaking and near miss of displays stands, you somehow you make it through the store still holding onto a shred of dignity. You need to reapply deodorant and you probably forgot a few things because you were moving so fast, but hey, that just means you saved some money. Probably feeling a little proud that you made it through with only a couple "come here, please! Come here! Please. Come. Here! GET OVER HERE NOW!" and a few "because I said no!" This is the part where things get real.
If picking the worst lane was an Olympic sport, I'd win the gold medal every time! I weigh my options so carefully! I inventory each conveyor belt. I observe which lanes have baggers. I consider my gut instinct and then think about the opposite choice because my gut I'd always wrong. Then I go with neither of those choices because even the opposite of my gut instinct is wrong. I eventually settle and brace myself because the check out gets me EVERY TIME! I can't list all of the problems, but here are a few that will stay with me forever, no matter how much therapy or banging my head against the steering wheel I try.
Eyelashes 101
I can't remember exactly how old Nathan was, but he was still at the age where he was sitting in the seat in the cart and not in the nifty car part in the front that the Devil had to have designed. The little daredevil figured out how to get his legs out, stand up, and jump towards me as I was pushing the cart. Yeah, I don't know why I don't have a ton of grey hair either! We made it to the check out and were patiently trying to wait. Nathan kept leaping for me because he was DONE! It was taking forever! The cashier was chatting away as she SLOWLY rung up the food of the person in front of me. She was telling the woman all about her fake eyelashes... like discussing every possible detail! Finally, it was our turn and I had to hold my restless toddler and with one hand, grab the food, coupons, and store card. With all the trying to keep Nathan alive, I forgot to grab one of the coupon items. Ms. Eyelashes very slowly explained to me that I should only give them coupons for food that I'm actually buying. It slows the cashiers down when they have to look for things you don't actually have. I gave her a look but those fake eyelashes must have been too thick for her to see... I just sighed and walked away letting her think that I was a complete idiot.
Shiny Objects
Is it just me or do the check out aisles need to be at least a foot wider!?! There is absolutely zero room and it's near impossible to see what your child is doing while sitting in the front. I made the mistake of sitting little Nathan on the right side, where he had easy access to all the candy. He didn't know that it was candy at the time but they sure looked interesting with their shiny wrappers. In the time it took me to take the groceries out of the cart, the kid had 6 candy bars and 2 bags of skittles in his lap, and another bag of skittles dangling from his mouth. I discretely shoved the candy bars back in place with no problem. The little animal managed to open one bag of skittles with his teeth. I had to buy it. I hid it amongst the other groceries, hoping the clerk wouldn't pay attention when she scanned it. I was so close to sneaking out with a little bit of dignity, but I made one fatal mistake, I forgot to wipe up the toddler slobber. I guess I am so used to it that I didn't even notice. She, on the other hand, was NOT! Her face was priceless and my face, oh so apologetic.
Carnival Games
The aisles at this particular grocery store were really small. The cart was parked just past the candy but still away from the end of the aisle. It was perfect! No stealing candy and no exiting the vehicle! Or not! Always willing to raise to the challenge, Nathan figured out how to lean forward and arch his back so he could pop out of the "windshield" part of the car. Every time he popped up, I gently shoved his head back in. This continued the whole time I unloaded the groceries. It was like a really embarrassing game of Whack a Mole where you get pit stains in the end instead of prize tickets!
I could keep going with more examples but this sucker is getting really long and I need to make a list for the grocery store... Maybe this time will be the time it all goes smoothly! HA!
I never stop chasing the rainbow to get the pot of gold though. First, it's starts with making a list. I don't mean to brag (I really, really do) but I am ridiculously AWESOME at planning a trip to the grocery store! I check the flyer ahead of time. I know all the deals and match them up with all the coupons! I know all the aisles like the back of my hand or the inside of the freezer at 9am when I am eating some ice cream and don't want the kids to know (what? it's kids' bedtime somewhere!) The holy grail of shopping experiences should be within my reach, right? RIGHT????
It begins before we enter the building and I am not even talking about the stuffed animal negotiations. I have accepted that fact that we will always have several stuffed animals with us. I'm talking about cart selection. I always end up with the messed up cart and it behaves it's self until after I get the kids all set and several things in my cart. Then all hell breaks loose and it rattles and shakes. You're trying to go left and the demon possessing it says it can only go straight or right ( and one wheel will spin in the opposite direction at all times!) You must answer one of life's toughest questions... Either unload and start over with a new cart or be that person squeaking all around the store! I always go with squeaking! Better to have everyone staring at me than 2 kids melting down because my time ran out. And there is always a time limit, my friend! The set time might be different for each kid, but if you exceed that time, there will be a horrific transformation before your eyes. Your precious angel will become THAT KID in grocery store (make sure you say "that kid" with the same disgusted look a non parent parenting expert has as they reign judgement down on you!)
After much squeaking and near miss of displays stands, you somehow you make it through the store still holding onto a shred of dignity. You need to reapply deodorant and you probably forgot a few things because you were moving so fast, but hey, that just means you saved some money. Probably feeling a little proud that you made it through with only a couple "come here, please! Come here! Please. Come. Here! GET OVER HERE NOW!" and a few "because I said no!" This is the part where things get real.
If picking the worst lane was an Olympic sport, I'd win the gold medal every time! I weigh my options so carefully! I inventory each conveyor belt. I observe which lanes have baggers. I consider my gut instinct and then think about the opposite choice because my gut I'd always wrong. Then I go with neither of those choices because even the opposite of my gut instinct is wrong. I eventually settle and brace myself because the check out gets me EVERY TIME! I can't list all of the problems, but here are a few that will stay with me forever, no matter how much therapy or banging my head against the steering wheel I try.
Eyelashes 101
I can't remember exactly how old Nathan was, but he was still at the age where he was sitting in the seat in the cart and not in the nifty car part in the front that the Devil had to have designed. The little daredevil figured out how to get his legs out, stand up, and jump towards me as I was pushing the cart. Yeah, I don't know why I don't have a ton of grey hair either! We made it to the check out and were patiently trying to wait. Nathan kept leaping for me because he was DONE! It was taking forever! The cashier was chatting away as she SLOWLY rung up the food of the person in front of me. She was telling the woman all about her fake eyelashes... like discussing every possible detail! Finally, it was our turn and I had to hold my restless toddler and with one hand, grab the food, coupons, and store card. With all the trying to keep Nathan alive, I forgot to grab one of the coupon items. Ms. Eyelashes very slowly explained to me that I should only give them coupons for food that I'm actually buying. It slows the cashiers down when they have to look for things you don't actually have. I gave her a look but those fake eyelashes must have been too thick for her to see... I just sighed and walked away letting her think that I was a complete idiot.
Shiny Objects
Is it just me or do the check out aisles need to be at least a foot wider!?! There is absolutely zero room and it's near impossible to see what your child is doing while sitting in the front. I made the mistake of sitting little Nathan on the right side, where he had easy access to all the candy. He didn't know that it was candy at the time but they sure looked interesting with their shiny wrappers. In the time it took me to take the groceries out of the cart, the kid had 6 candy bars and 2 bags of skittles in his lap, and another bag of skittles dangling from his mouth. I discretely shoved the candy bars back in place with no problem. The little animal managed to open one bag of skittles with his teeth. I had to buy it. I hid it amongst the other groceries, hoping the clerk wouldn't pay attention when she scanned it. I was so close to sneaking out with a little bit of dignity, but I made one fatal mistake, I forgot to wipe up the toddler slobber. I guess I am so used to it that I didn't even notice. She, on the other hand, was NOT! Her face was priceless and my face, oh so apologetic.
Carnival Games
The aisles at this particular grocery store were really small. The cart was parked just past the candy but still away from the end of the aisle. It was perfect! No stealing candy and no exiting the vehicle! Or not! Always willing to raise to the challenge, Nathan figured out how to lean forward and arch his back so he could pop out of the "windshield" part of the car. Every time he popped up, I gently shoved his head back in. This continued the whole time I unloaded the groceries. It was like a really embarrassing game of Whack a Mole where you get pit stains in the end instead of prize tickets!
I could keep going with more examples but this sucker is getting really long and I need to make a list for the grocery store... Maybe this time will be the time it all goes smoothly! HA!
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Dear Nathan
Dear Nathan,
I just ate your candy and I'm not even sorry at all! You made me do it! We just had that conversation AGAIN! It happens about every other day and it always goes something like this:
Nathan: Do yous got a baby in your belly?
Me: No, only Aunt Kristen and Kerri have babies in their bellies
Nathan: You DO have a baby in your belly
Me: No, I don't
Nathan: You wook like you dos! See? *points at my stomach*
Me: *puts down the brownie*
*stares at workout clothes*
* picks up the brownie*
*puts down the brownie*
* contemplates buying 21 day fix extreme*
* eats two brownies*
And yes, Mommy knows that you are just obsessed because you have a new cousin on the way and your best buddy is going to be a big brother. I could probably have six pack abs (and pigs would fly) and you would still ask me, but dude, in the words of Sydney, SERIOUSLY!?!
You are probably thinking that all of the above does not seem like reason enough to steal your candy, and you are right. That was just the icing on the cake. Oh wait, I shouldn't use that saying! It's too gross! Here is a little story that I will sharing at your wedding:
It was just a typical summer afternoon and you and your sister wanted to swim. We ran out of swim diapers, but you are supposed to be potty trained for preschool so I thought we would be fine. Everyone tells me that letting you pee outside is the key to training boys ( I should probably find all of them and steal their candy too!) I told you not to pee in the pool and to pee in the grass. (Yes, just like Uncle DJ's dog.) We went outside and you took off your bathing suit and started running around. You do that a lot so I wasn't worried. Then you proudly announced that you pooped outside like a dog. YOU POOPED OUTSIDE LIKE A DOG! But clearly not a well behaved dog because you pooped on the patio! I.... did you....how come..... WHYYYYYY???? What goes on in that little brain of yours? Even as I type this, you found a boogie on your cheek and put it on my cheek! Again, WHHHHHYYYYYYY???
All that's left to say is I love you, my strange little man. I CAN NOT wait until you have children! I will buy you a candy of the month club subscription because you are definitely gonna need it!!
love,
your mommy who must go sanitize her cheek... thanks again for that gift!
I just ate your candy and I'm not even sorry at all! You made me do it! We just had that conversation AGAIN! It happens about every other day and it always goes something like this:
Nathan: Do yous got a baby in your belly?
Me: No, only Aunt Kristen and Kerri have babies in their bellies
Nathan: You DO have a baby in your belly
Me: No, I don't
Nathan: You wook like you dos! See? *points at my stomach*
Me: *puts down the brownie*
*stares at workout clothes*
* picks up the brownie*
*puts down the brownie*
* contemplates buying 21 day fix extreme*
* eats two brownies*
And yes, Mommy knows that you are just obsessed because you have a new cousin on the way and your best buddy is going to be a big brother. I could probably have six pack abs (and pigs would fly) and you would still ask me, but dude, in the words of Sydney, SERIOUSLY!?!
You are probably thinking that all of the above does not seem like reason enough to steal your candy, and you are right. That was just the icing on the cake. Oh wait, I shouldn't use that saying! It's too gross! Here is a little story that I will sharing at your wedding:
It was just a typical summer afternoon and you and your sister wanted to swim. We ran out of swim diapers, but you are supposed to be potty trained for preschool so I thought we would be fine. Everyone tells me that letting you pee outside is the key to training boys ( I should probably find all of them and steal their candy too!) I told you not to pee in the pool and to pee in the grass. (Yes, just like Uncle DJ's dog.) We went outside and you took off your bathing suit and started running around. You do that a lot so I wasn't worried. Then you proudly announced that you pooped outside like a dog. YOU POOPED OUTSIDE LIKE A DOG! But clearly not a well behaved dog because you pooped on the patio! I.... did you....how come..... WHYYYYYY???? What goes on in that little brain of yours? Even as I type this, you found a boogie on your cheek and put it on my cheek! Again, WHHHHHYYYYYYY???
All that's left to say is I love you, my strange little man. I CAN NOT wait until you have children! I will buy you a candy of the month club subscription because you are definitely gonna need it!!
love,
your mommy who must go sanitize her cheek... thanks again for that gift!
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