Before we begin, I have a few things to say. I've decided to post a picture of myself from the wedding. I hate posting pictures of myself. Selfie Sunday on Instagram? I think not! BUT I worry that my dramatic retelling will create a frightening image for readers who have never seen me (and by that I mean, people who are reading an entry just to shut up my relatives who keep talking about this blog.) I know I shouldn't care, Bad Jamie! It's the beauty on the inside that counts! I know! I know! Shame on me!! But I just can't have people walking around imagining me as a real live Michelin woman.
Please keep in mind that I am viewing myself with what I call "girl goggles". They give you a distorted view like beer goggles, only they make you look about 20 pounds heavier than you are. Plus I had been living on the Special K diet for a couple of weeks, and man can not live on 5 flakes and a hunk of freeze dried strawberries alone! That and a case of chronic frumpy snydrome makes for a pretty unhappy shopper. I know I do not look that bad. It was just on of those crazy dressing room melt downs! Don't equate me with those skinny brats;) that wear a size 2 and complain about belly fat. Don't be hating!
Okay, let's begin this story! Thanks for hanging in there! That was one long set up! This past summer my sister and I were co-matrons of honor for our honorary sister. After our dresses were ordered, my sister discovered she was pregnant. I love my sister to death so I would do anything for her. If she needed a kidney, I would give her my spare in an instant, well actually I am pretty sure my kidneys were fused together after this but you get what I am saying. Offering my dress, which was a size bigger and offered a little more belly room, was a no brainer. Of course that meant I had to lose some of the baby weight still hanging around (Okay, okay so it's more like "I reward myself for surviving the day with ice cream" weight, but baby weight sounds so much nobler. You grew a human, for heavens sake!) I did a pretty good job, but I still felt a little stuffed into to the dress and the seamtress told me to just get some spanx and a better strapless bra and I would be good to go.
Buy some spanx, sounds easy right?? Wrong! There are all sorts of varieties and styles of sucking you in. I picked out a few different types and dragged myself into the fitting room. It was like looking at a Fun House Mirror, only I WAS NOT HAVING FUN!! Things were being sucked in and other spots bursting out unable to withstand the pressure. So many distorted and horrorifiying versions of my body. The worst was a bra/spanx combo. The poor bra was hanging on as tightly as it could, trying to to do it's job. The girls were saying, "I don't think so! You can't make us stand at attention. We deserve a break! Did you forget the size of the last kid? We were working overtime!" Then the spanx stopped about mid waist. My internal organs were squeezed in too much and burst out the top. The combination of pressure from the bottom of the bra and top of the spanx gave me a nice little ring. It was just like those kid bathing suits with the built in inner tube. I am pretty sure my self esteem took one look in the mirror and said "So long! Been nice knowing you" after that! Yikes! I finally picked something that had the most coverage, paid for it, and fled the scene. I came home and totally became one of those girls, asking my husband if he thought I was still pretty.
The wedding was perfect and I ended up being able to breathe in my dress. During the reception, I was chatting with someone about the dress switch and said, "Don't you feel sexy wearing spanx? You are all tucked in and smooth." Well, I guess that depends on your idea of sexy? Do you think feeling like pillsbury rolls bursting out of the tube after you peel the wrapping and it burst open? Yes? Then sure, you're one hot mama ;)
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