Just when I had resigned myself to homeschooling a 4th grader sporting depends, my baby was sporting panties and signed up for Preschool. Since we got in just under the wire, I had a lot to do in very little time. Suddenly it was a few days before her first day, and I realized that Monday was her last true day of freedom. For at least the next 15 years, returning to school would be looming over her head whether it was a weekend, holiday or summer break. Gone were the days of carefree living.
A better Mom probably would have planned it out better with special shaped pancakes, decorations, and extra special activities. I had nothing, so I asked Syd was she wanted to do. One of her favorite activities is to go to the Mall. We walk around and ride the elevator a bajillion times and then get smoothies and soft pretzels. Pretty simple but exciting, I totally got this!
It was just one of those mornings when it was hard to get out of the house. Not sure why, it was just some sort of morning funk [warning #1!] I grabbed all our stuff and buckled everyone up. I had to stop at the bank and it took longer than expected [ warning #2!] After I got everyone back in the van, I started talking up how much fun we were going to have at the Mall and how great they were for being patient. If my life was a horror movie, this is the point where you would be throwing popcorn at the screen, telling me to turn around and go back. Then you would yell that I was so stupid as I pushed on the gas pedal.
Nathan was pretty quiet the whole ride [ warning #3] and I discover why once we arrived. The little Devil figured out how to pull the top off his sippy cup and his shirt was drenched. I started to panic. I only had back up clothes for Syd in the diaper bag. It was a tank top with ruffles. Could I be the mom with the boy in the ruffle shirt? I looked at Syd's joyful face and said yes. Then I changed his shirt and pulled him out. I noticed his shorts were wet. I only had a skirt in the diaper bag. I definitely couldn't do that. I told Syd we might not be able to go to the mall. Her little lips started to quiver and she went on about how we are already here and I promised. Could I be the mom with the kid in wet pants? No, well maybe, Syd's puppy dog eyes were really working. I looked down and uh oh! Nathan's pants got my pants wet. Could I be the mom who looked like she peed her pants too? Could we be the pants peeing family strolling around the Mall? Heck no! Stupid sippy cup! Stupid Mommy! Why didn't I plan something else!
To say Syd didn't handle the news well, is putting it mildly. The poor thing was so confused because we were there. She saw the "holy grail" and we were leaving! She sobbed and sobbed! "But you promised, Mommy!" Tears were streaming down my face. I just kept crying, "I'm sorry! I'm Sorry!" I ruined her life! This monumental day and I couldn't even get her inside the mall. I was the worst mother in the entire world! Epic failure! ( Looking back, I think that just maybe I wasn't handling this whole school milestone as well as I thought.) We both cried the entire 15 minute drive home while Nathan was blissfully unaware of the distraught females in his life, typical male!
Still crying when we returned home, I searched desperately for something to ease her pain. "How about a saltwater taffy?" I asked in between sniffles. She cried "Can I have two?" I handed her two and gone were the tears. She smiled and skipped off with her saltwater taffies like nothing happened. Mean while, I felt like I had been rung out in the wash. All this drama and I could have just given her candy before lunch and relaxed at home.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Pride and Potty Training
Yes, she is so cute. I know, she is so smart. She walked at 9 1/2 months. Yup, incredible! She definitely speaks so well. It is hard to believe that she is only 3 1/2. Yeah, she cracks me up all the time. Thank you, I am glad you think she is so well behaved. Where did she go? Umm.... I think she must be trying to find something behind that chair. Yeah, probably a toy or something.
"Hey Mom, do you smell something? Do you know what stinks? I pooped! You need to change my diaper!"
When your kid can comes up with creative ways to tell, you know you are way past the point of needing diapers! Just when you finish muddling through disastrous nap routines, motherhood finds a new milestone to knock you down. That puffy diaper butt is the Mommy equivalent of a Scarlett letter and I only had myself to blame. Classic case of be careful what you say, it might bite you in the rear later.
You see, about two years ago, we threw my sister a baby shower. I was in charge of the quiz and just had to make it entertaining! I basically create the quiz of shame, turning every funny/embarrassing moment of the future parents' childhood into a trivia question. Of course, my sister not being potty trained until 3 1/2 was on that bad boy. I really laughed it up! I mean, 3 1/2 is pretty old! Who takes that long? ( oh you're about to find out) I didn't pay attention to the wind, but I bet that if I had, I would have heard God's laugh.
We reached the 3 1/2 yr mark, and nothing. Every time we asked her about using the potty she gave her standard reponse of "when I am older" and listed various ages depending on her mood. Sometimes it would be 4 and sometimes something like 64 (Heaven help me!) We tried EVERYTHING and basically promised her the world if she would just pee pee in the potty. Elmo's Potty Time was running on a constant loop. I'm pretty sure I could do a full renactantment of the movie!
Never in my life, have I spend so much time fretting over someone's bodily functions. The stress was making me crazy. I just couldn't understand it. How could someone who loves to karate chop off pieces of toilet paper be so against going on the potty (That's right, my life is so glamorous that I get my toilet paper handed to me) Then to add injury to insult, my Facebook news feed started mocking me. First it was all the joyous status updates of people with kids Syd's age cheerfully kissing diapers goodbyes. Then it managed to find every post of friends and friends of friends with potty training success with YOUNGER children! Oh the Horror! My kid was falling way behind.
Everyone kept telling me not to worry. No one graduates college in diapers. But I just knew! I just knew that my daughter was going to be the exception. Where did I go wrong? I thought I could go a few more years without screwing my kids up. CURSE THAT TRIVIA QUIZ!
It wasn't until the chance to go to school and one day ride a school bus were slipping away, that little Miss stubborn finally gave in. I never thought that I would react to a little pee pee in the potty the same way I would if I had won a million dollars!!
I will never again mock another person, I learned my lesson.... at least for a while!
"Hey Mom, do you smell something? Do you know what stinks? I pooped! You need to change my diaper!"
When your kid can comes up with creative ways to tell, you know you are way past the point of needing diapers! Just when you finish muddling through disastrous nap routines, motherhood finds a new milestone to knock you down. That puffy diaper butt is the Mommy equivalent of a Scarlett letter and I only had myself to blame. Classic case of be careful what you say, it might bite you in the rear later.
You see, about two years ago, we threw my sister a baby shower. I was in charge of the quiz and just had to make it entertaining! I basically create the quiz of shame, turning every funny/embarrassing moment of the future parents' childhood into a trivia question. Of course, my sister not being potty trained until 3 1/2 was on that bad boy. I really laughed it up! I mean, 3 1/2 is pretty old! Who takes that long? ( oh you're about to find out) I didn't pay attention to the wind, but I bet that if I had, I would have heard God's laugh.
We reached the 3 1/2 yr mark, and nothing. Every time we asked her about using the potty she gave her standard reponse of "when I am older" and listed various ages depending on her mood. Sometimes it would be 4 and sometimes something like 64 (Heaven help me!) We tried EVERYTHING and basically promised her the world if she would just pee pee in the potty. Elmo's Potty Time was running on a constant loop. I'm pretty sure I could do a full renactantment of the movie!
Never in my life, have I spend so much time fretting over someone's bodily functions. The stress was making me crazy. I just couldn't understand it. How could someone who loves to karate chop off pieces of toilet paper be so against going on the potty (That's right, my life is so glamorous that I get my toilet paper handed to me) Then to add injury to insult, my Facebook news feed started mocking me. First it was all the joyous status updates of people with kids Syd's age cheerfully kissing diapers goodbyes. Then it managed to find every post of friends and friends of friends with potty training success with YOUNGER children! Oh the Horror! My kid was falling way behind.
Everyone kept telling me not to worry. No one graduates college in diapers. But I just knew! I just knew that my daughter was going to be the exception. Where did I go wrong? I thought I could go a few more years without screwing my kids up. CURSE THAT TRIVIA QUIZ!
It wasn't until the chance to go to school and one day ride a school bus were slipping away, that little Miss stubborn finally gave in. I never thought that I would react to a little pee pee in the potty the same way I would if I had won a million dollars!!
I will never again mock another person, I learned my lesson.... at least for a while!
Sunday, October 20, 2013
If loving the Wiggles is wrong, I don't want to be right
This blog entry is dedicated to Karen and Dan, the only two who understand.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks, but I already received my gift from my parents. It's the same one as last year too. Wiggles concert tickets for Syd and I. Yup, that's right, I LOVE the Wiggles!!! Judging by the way Nathan throw his head back and cries when I pick my favorite songs yet again, I love them more than my kids.
Two years ago, I had thechance privilege to go to one of the concerts from the original Wiggles' last tours. One last chance to see them all together. Getting to see Greg on tour, now that's the stuff that dreams are made of!!!!! Syd got to give Jeff a high-five and I almost didn't bathe her for week to keep the memory ;) Then like true groupies, we waited by the tour bus for autographs. Syd got Murray's autograph (and by Syd, I mean me. Cause one day she will outgrow the Wiggles, but who won't? This mom right here!)
This past August was one of the greatest moments of my life (my wedding and children's birth are obviously top the list. I mean without them this day would have never happened.) We went to another concert and this time we brought our fellow Wiggles fanatics. Since my friend Karen and I are both a little nuts for the Wiggles, we decided to turn this into a Grand event. We dressed the girls up like Emma Wiggle. Smartest thing we have ever done! When Anthony was collecting roses on our side of the audience, he noticed Syd and Hannah and called Emma over. Emma was even more amazing than we thought. She bent down and talked to the girls and then something truly magical happened. Emma turned to me and asked if the girls would like to come up on stage with her. I almost died! You better believe we shoved those girls in Emma's direction! As we got closer, Emma said if it will help, "Mums" can come up on stage as well. Oh it would most definitely help!!!! We were on stage with the Wiggles! Just hanging out with the fab four for the four and under!! Emma was the sweetest and spent so much time chatting with Syd. I wished that Karen and I weren't so star struck or we totally could have convinced Emma to be our new bestie!!!!!
What? You think the Wiggles are weird or creepy? What kind of monster are you? Three early Ed majors and their sleepy friend didnt care what other adults thought and combined their knowledge and musical gifts to thoughtfully entertain children all over the world. Now a new generation has stepped forward to continue the tradition. The arrival of a female wiggle has provided girls a role model that won't end up half naked on TMZ. They spend so much time cheering up sick kids and are champions of causes like SIDs prevention and car safety. How can you say that about them? You are the type to kick puppies aren't you? Probably like to tell small children that Santa isn't real. It's okay Jamie, settle down. They don't know any better. THEY. JUST. DONT. KNOW. Real men wear pink, no! Real men wear red, blue, purple, and yellow skivvies!
No, I don't have a problem. I don't, I swear. I can stop listening whenever I want. I just don't want to. But I could totally stop anytime I want.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks, but I already received my gift from my parents. It's the same one as last year too. Wiggles concert tickets for Syd and I. Yup, that's right, I LOVE the Wiggles!!! Judging by the way Nathan throw his head back and cries when I pick my favorite songs yet again, I love them more than my kids.
Two years ago, I had the
This past August was one of the greatest moments of my life (my wedding and children's birth are obviously top the list. I mean without them this day would have never happened.) We went to another concert and this time we brought our fellow Wiggles fanatics. Since my friend Karen and I are both a little nuts for the Wiggles, we decided to turn this into a Grand event. We dressed the girls up like Emma Wiggle. Smartest thing we have ever done! When Anthony was collecting roses on our side of the audience, he noticed Syd and Hannah and called Emma over. Emma was even more amazing than we thought. She bent down and talked to the girls and then something truly magical happened. Emma turned to me and asked if the girls would like to come up on stage with her. I almost died! You better believe we shoved those girls in Emma's direction! As we got closer, Emma said if it will help, "Mums" can come up on stage as well. Oh it would most definitely help!!!! We were on stage with the Wiggles! Just hanging out with the fab four for the four and under!! Emma was the sweetest and spent so much time chatting with Syd. I wished that Karen and I weren't so star struck or we totally could have convinced Emma to be our new bestie!!!!!
What? You think the Wiggles are weird or creepy? What kind of monster are you? Three early Ed majors and their sleepy friend didnt care what other adults thought and combined their knowledge and musical gifts to thoughtfully entertain children all over the world. Now a new generation has stepped forward to continue the tradition. The arrival of a female wiggle has provided girls a role model that won't end up half naked on TMZ. They spend so much time cheering up sick kids and are champions of causes like SIDs prevention and car safety. How can you say that about them? You are the type to kick puppies aren't you? Probably like to tell small children that Santa isn't real. It's okay Jamie, settle down. They don't know any better. THEY. JUST. DONT. KNOW. Real men wear pink, no! Real men wear red, blue, purple, and yellow skivvies!
No, I don't have a problem. I don't, I swear. I can stop listening whenever I want. I just don't want to. But I could totally stop anytime I want.
 |
| Totally didn't need this to get their attention |
 |
| Oh my gosh! Anthony sees them |
 |
| Look at her staring so adoringly at Emma, and I'm not talking about the girls |
 |
| Star struck |
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Spanx for nothing
Before we begin, I have a few things to say. I've decided to post a picture of myself from the wedding. I hate posting pictures of myself. Selfie Sunday on Instagram? I think not! BUT I worry that my dramatic retelling will create a frightening image for readers who have never seen me (and by that I mean, people who are reading an entry just to shut up my relatives who keep talking about this blog.) I know I shouldn't care, Bad Jamie! It's the beauty on the inside that counts! I know! I know! Shame on me!! But I just can't have people walking around imagining me as a real live Michelin woman.
Please keep in mind that I am viewing myself with what I call "girl goggles". They give you a distorted view like beer goggles, only they make you look about 20 pounds heavier than you are. Plus I had been living on the Special K diet for a couple of weeks, and man can not live on 5 flakes and a hunk of freeze dried strawberries alone! That and a case of chronic frumpy snydrome makes for a pretty unhappy shopper. I know I do not look that bad. It was just on of those crazy dressing room melt downs! Don't equate me with those skinny brats;) that wear a size 2 and complain about belly fat. Don't be hating!
Okay, let's begin this story! Thanks for hanging in there! That was one long set up! This past summer my sister and I were co-matrons of honor for our honorary sister. After our dresses were ordered, my sister discovered she was pregnant. I love my sister to death so I would do anything for her. If she needed a kidney, I would give her my spare in an instant, well actually I am pretty sure my kidneys were fused together after this but you get what I am saying. Offering my dress, which was a size bigger and offered a little more belly room, was a no brainer. Of course that meant I had to lose some of the baby weight still hanging around (Okay, okay so it's more like "I reward myself for surviving the day with ice cream" weight, but baby weight sounds so much nobler. You grew a human, for heavens sake!) I did a pretty good job, but I still felt a little stuffed into to the dress and the seamtress told me to just get some spanx and a better strapless bra and I would be good to go.
Buy some spanx, sounds easy right?? Wrong! There are all sorts of varieties and styles of sucking you in. I picked out a few different types and dragged myself into the fitting room. It was like looking at a Fun House Mirror, only I WAS NOT HAVING FUN!! Things were being sucked in and other spots bursting out unable to withstand the pressure. So many distorted and horrorifiying versions of my body. The worst was a bra/spanx combo. The poor bra was hanging on as tightly as it could, trying to to do it's job. The girls were saying, "I don't think so! You can't make us stand at attention. We deserve a break! Did you forget the size of the last kid? We were working overtime!" Then the spanx stopped about mid waist. My internal organs were squeezed in too much and burst out the top. The combination of pressure from the bottom of the bra and top of the spanx gave me a nice little ring. It was just like those kid bathing suits with the built in inner tube. I am pretty sure my self esteem took one look in the mirror and said "So long! Been nice knowing you" after that! Yikes! I finally picked something that had the most coverage, paid for it, and fled the scene. I came home and totally became one of those girls, asking my husband if he thought I was still pretty.
The wedding was perfect and I ended up being able to breathe in my dress. During the reception, I was chatting with someone about the dress switch and said, "Don't you feel sexy wearing spanx? You are all tucked in and smooth." Well, I guess that depends on your idea of sexy? Do you think feeling like pillsbury rolls bursting out of the tube after you peel the wrapping and it burst open? Yes? Then sure, you're one hot mama ;)
Buy some spanx, sounds easy right?? Wrong! There are all sorts of varieties and styles of sucking you in. I picked out a few different types and dragged myself into the fitting room. It was like looking at a Fun House Mirror, only I WAS NOT HAVING FUN!! Things were being sucked in and other spots bursting out unable to withstand the pressure. So many distorted and horrorifiying versions of my body. The worst was a bra/spanx combo. The poor bra was hanging on as tightly as it could, trying to to do it's job. The girls were saying, "I don't think so! You can't make us stand at attention. We deserve a break! Did you forget the size of the last kid? We were working overtime!" Then the spanx stopped about mid waist. My internal organs were squeezed in too much and burst out the top. The combination of pressure from the bottom of the bra and top of the spanx gave me a nice little ring. It was just like those kid bathing suits with the built in inner tube. I am pretty sure my self esteem took one look in the mirror and said "So long! Been nice knowing you" after that! Yikes! I finally picked something that had the most coverage, paid for it, and fled the scene. I came home and totally became one of those girls, asking my husband if he thought I was still pretty.
The wedding was perfect and I ended up being able to breathe in my dress. During the reception, I was chatting with someone about the dress switch and said, "Don't you feel sexy wearing spanx? You are all tucked in and smooth." Well, I guess that depends on your idea of sexy? Do you think feeling like pillsbury rolls bursting out of the tube after you peel the wrapping and it burst open? Yes? Then sure, you're one hot mama ;)
Thursday, October 10, 2013
out of the mouth of preschoolers
This week Syd has been a gold mine of hilarious quotes. Sometimes I don't know if I should laugh or schedule her an appointment to talk to someone!!
Helpful but somewhat disturbing Customer
We were playing "shop keeper" and Syd was shopping for her daughter. I like to say random things, hoping for a good response and she sure delivered!
Syd: Hi! I am getting a birthday gift for my daughter. Do you have any kids?
Me: I do! I have some really naughty kids.
Syd: Why are they so naughty?
Me: I don't know? What should I do?
Syd: You should get better ones. Here, I will get you new ones. Put the other ones in a cage and someone will get them
Me: {says a silent prayer for my future grandchildren}
This sounds like a case for Dr. House
Dr Mommy: Hi! How can I help you today?
Syd: I am so sick
Dr. Mommy: Can you tell me what hurts?
Syd: Well, my nose is really runny. I have a lot of snot. At dark time I pick it and put it on my pillow. Then morning time, they turn into butterflies
Party Crashers
I was rocking with Nathan right before his and apparently Syd was tired of waiting for me.
Syd: Hey Sam ( I get renamed a lot) I need you to come in my room. There are a lot of people in there like having a party. They are going to wreck it so you need to come quickly. Put Nathan in his crib now.
I hope that one day I am not on tv telling Dr. Phil about these days and wishing I had seen the signs sooner!!
Helpful but somewhat disturbing Customer
We were playing "shop keeper" and Syd was shopping for her daughter. I like to say random things, hoping for a good response and she sure delivered!
Syd: Hi! I am getting a birthday gift for my daughter. Do you have any kids?
Me: I do! I have some really naughty kids.
Syd: Why are they so naughty?
Me: I don't know? What should I do?
Syd: You should get better ones. Here, I will get you new ones. Put the other ones in a cage and someone will get them
Me: {says a silent prayer for my future grandchildren}
This sounds like a case for Dr. House
Dr Mommy: Hi! How can I help you today?
Syd: I am so sick
Dr. Mommy: Can you tell me what hurts?
Syd: Well, my nose is really runny. I have a lot of snot. At dark time I pick it and put it on my pillow. Then morning time, they turn into butterflies
Party Crashers
I was rocking with Nathan right before his and apparently Syd was tired of waiting for me.
Syd: Hey Sam ( I get renamed a lot) I need you to come in my room. There are a lot of people in there like having a party. They are going to wreck it so you need to come quickly. Put Nathan in his crib now.
I hope that one day I am not on tv telling Dr. Phil about these days and wishing I had seen the signs sooner!!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Evil recalculations, party tricks, and cups: worst week part 2
Ok, a quick recap: the dishwasher was broken and our chances of forming an arranged marriage for Nathan were slim to none (with his hilly billy chipped teeth grin and AWOL balls.)
Wednesday: I survived two dentists appointments is opposite directions. Nathan's teeth were fine. Syd's routine cleaning went well, except for the dentist telling her to ask God to put a baby in my belly if she wants another sibling. Hey, Lady I just met, how about we talk about flossing and not my uterus! Anyway, I had a meeting that night for my MOPs group. It was at someone's house and I was nervous because I was born without a sense of direction. I do best when I keep it under 2 turns! I was doing well and then there were a couple of sharp turns that just looked like a pointy blob on my GPS. I totally missed it and the GPS B-word must have been fed up with my inability to follow her directions. She should have said "recalculating to find the most obscure way back to the correct road!" She chose these super small windy roads that seemed deserted except for a few random hikers walking in the opposite lane. I kept thinking this is how horror movies begin! Did I remember to tell my children I loved them? Clearly, I should have packed my passport because I had a feeling I was going to end up in a different country! 20 minutes later, I am back on the right road and supposedly at my destination. This "chick" must still be pissed because the place that she is telling me is correct, is NOT. I drive through the cluster of houses trying to read the house numbers, but since the journey to the end of the earth and back took so long, it's really dark and I couldn't see. After going around 3 more times I gave up. I was probably about 20 ft away from the meeting and still couldn't find it! I have some serious skills!
Thursday: My stomach was twisted in about a million knots. It was time for the urology appointment. I made Stephen come with me. Obviously, out of the two of us, he was the expert in this area. It didn't take long for us to be sent back. The doctor was extremely nice and listened as I explained everything. He told me to put Nathan on the table and had him sit "criss crossed applesauce" and there they were in their full glory. He showed us a muscle that you can touch and it makes the testicles retract. The doctor told us he was perfectly fine and it's common for them to retract and they can be harder to find if the boy is chubby. That's it? I was worrying about future grandchildren and hoping he didn't need his balls sewed to his leg (yup, that's a horror story someone shared) and all they needed to do was sit him down! Great, we just spend $50 to learn how to make testicles jump. There's a great party trick that I will never be able to use!
Friday: I was ready to sing and dance like in the movies. No more doctors appointments! It was going to be a nice relaxing day. Ha! You fool! Syd sat on the potty and then whined and told me she couldn't pee pee because it hurt. I kept asking her about it and she kept insisting it hurt. Oh no! I called the doctor's office as soon as it opened to schedule an appointment, hoping it's not a UTI. Less than 10 minutes later, she goes to the bath room and is perfectly fine. I was pretty sure this was one of those weird situations where there might have been something bothering her but the power of suggestion made her story grow. (How do you question toddlers/preschools without putting things in their head?) I don't want "bad mom" scribbled some where in their charts, so I don't cancel the appointment after the receptionist says, "are you sure you don't want to bring her in just to be safe?" I told Syd she was going to have to pee in a cup so I had to spend the whole drive arguing that cups are for peeing in when you are at the doctors. We got there and I got to round out my awesome week by kneeling next to a toilet in the doctors office holding on to Syd and trying to get her to pee. She didn't have a UTI and her lady parts were fine, but she had picked up a little virus at school that given her a fever.
Wednesday: I survived two dentists appointments is opposite directions. Nathan's teeth were fine. Syd's routine cleaning went well, except for the dentist telling her to ask God to put a baby in my belly if she wants another sibling. Hey, Lady I just met, how about we talk about flossing and not my uterus! Anyway, I had a meeting that night for my MOPs group. It was at someone's house and I was nervous because I was born without a sense of direction. I do best when I keep it under 2 turns! I was doing well and then there were a couple of sharp turns that just looked like a pointy blob on my GPS. I totally missed it and the GPS B-word must have been fed up with my inability to follow her directions. She should have said "recalculating to find the most obscure way back to the correct road!" She chose these super small windy roads that seemed deserted except for a few random hikers walking in the opposite lane. I kept thinking this is how horror movies begin! Did I remember to tell my children I loved them? Clearly, I should have packed my passport because I had a feeling I was going to end up in a different country! 20 minutes later, I am back on the right road and supposedly at my destination. This "chick" must still be pissed because the place that she is telling me is correct, is NOT. I drive through the cluster of houses trying to read the house numbers, but since the journey to the end of the earth and back took so long, it's really dark and I couldn't see. After going around 3 more times I gave up. I was probably about 20 ft away from the meeting and still couldn't find it! I have some serious skills!
Thursday: My stomach was twisted in about a million knots. It was time for the urology appointment. I made Stephen come with me. Obviously, out of the two of us, he was the expert in this area. It didn't take long for us to be sent back. The doctor was extremely nice and listened as I explained everything. He told me to put Nathan on the table and had him sit "criss crossed applesauce" and there they were in their full glory. He showed us a muscle that you can touch and it makes the testicles retract. The doctor told us he was perfectly fine and it's common for them to retract and they can be harder to find if the boy is chubby. That's it? I was worrying about future grandchildren and hoping he didn't need his balls sewed to his leg (yup, that's a horror story someone shared) and all they needed to do was sit him down! Great, we just spend $50 to learn how to make testicles jump. There's a great party trick that I will never be able to use!
Friday: I was ready to sing and dance like in the movies. No more doctors appointments! It was going to be a nice relaxing day. Ha! You fool! Syd sat on the potty and then whined and told me she couldn't pee pee because it hurt. I kept asking her about it and she kept insisting it hurt. Oh no! I called the doctor's office as soon as it opened to schedule an appointment, hoping it's not a UTI. Less than 10 minutes later, she goes to the bath room and is perfectly fine. I was pretty sure this was one of those weird situations where there might have been something bothering her but the power of suggestion made her story grow. (How do you question toddlers/preschools without putting things in their head?) I don't want "bad mom" scribbled some where in their charts, so I don't cancel the appointment after the receptionist says, "are you sure you don't want to bring her in just to be safe?" I told Syd she was going to have to pee in a cup so I had to spend the whole drive arguing that cups are for peeing in when you are at the doctors. We got there and I got to round out my awesome week by kneeling next to a toilet in the doctors office holding on to Syd and trying to get her to pee. She didn't have a UTI and her lady parts were fine, but she had picked up a little virus at school that given her a fever.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Holy letting myself go, Batman!!
Serious Falls and AWOL Balls: Worst week part 1
I was planning to write things in the order they happened, starting with the summer, but I need to write about last week before my brain represses all my memories for my sanity. When the dishwasher that was completely loaded with dishes broke I thought that was the worst thing that could happen. Oh how wrong I was!! (Keep in mind that I am writing about it after the fact. There was less joking during it and before I knew the outcome)
Serious Falls: We decided to stay the night with my In-laws at their cabin in Jim Thorpe. After dinner we decided to take the kids to the playground. Nathan, my 19 month old dare devil climber, was having a blast and scaring us with his various accomplishments. Tired of being up high, he squeezed through the climbing dome and was just walking around when all of a sudden it happened. He tripped and fell and we heard the ding of the metal as his face hit the bottom pole. It seemed to happen in slow motion. I went over and picked him up. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, which isn't unusual. He would scream the same blood curdling scream if it was a paper cut or severed limb. I decide to remain calm until I know more. I looked in his mouth and saw no blood and silver dust and little white pieces. White pieces? What is that? Hmmmm...... I take a better look and realize it's pieces of his FRONT TEETH! Holy crap! We quickly headed for home and about a minute into the ride he stops crying. Okay, felt a little better. It finally hit me that the kid who has conquered the table, the kitchen island, the top of the sofa, his high chair, etc just injured himself while WALKING ON THE GROUND!!! Only I could produce a kid who can defy gravity and get schooled by a couple of wood chips! Then we made it home and all Nathan cared about was getting the ice out of the ice bag so he could eat it. Good sign, I'd say!
I think I was handling it very well, but then a little something I like to call second hand anxiety started kicking in. People, who shall remain nameless, kept asking me if I was okay. There were also offers from people to take care of the kids so I could take a relaxing bath or drink some wine. My neurotic brain starts to wonder if I should be worrying??? Should I be more upset? I fell asleep switching back and forth from sheer panic and thinking it's no big deal.
When I got up and saw this big hilly billy grin, I stopped worrying!
AWOL Balls: Tuesday after dropping Sydney off at preschool, I had to take Nathan for a well check. I was glad this was going to be an easy, normal visit. I was a little nervous for his dentist appointment the next day. Things were going smoothly, even with a new doctor, and then it was time to check under the diaper. It's usually a quick check, but it seemed to be taking a while. Both Nathan and the doctor looked very confused. I totally understood Nathan's confusion but what was up with the doctor. She told me she couldn't seem to find his testicles to check them. Say what?????????? Then she stood him up and kinda found one but not really the other. What the heck? I swear they were there before. She told me that sometimes they become undescended again and that I need to take him to a CHOP urologist. What kind of horrorible mom am I? I was suppose to be watching to make sure they stayed put?!? Oh man, I have no idea when it happened? How the heck did it happen? I knew I shouldn't have let him try to drink that thick smoothie with that straw! Who knew that testicles were sneaky little buggers! I was traumatized the whole rest of the day! I kept worrying about my poor little baby boy! My mother in law Googled it and told me that if he needed something done that it looked like would be a simple fix. But like a friend told me, there are simple procedures and there are "nut" procedures and never the two shall meet. Well, I was about to find out on Thursday! Dun Dun Dunnnn!
Serious Falls: We decided to stay the night with my In-laws at their cabin in Jim Thorpe. After dinner we decided to take the kids to the playground. Nathan, my 19 month old dare devil climber, was having a blast and scaring us with his various accomplishments. Tired of being up high, he squeezed through the climbing dome and was just walking around when all of a sudden it happened. He tripped and fell and we heard the ding of the metal as his face hit the bottom pole. It seemed to happen in slow motion. I went over and picked him up. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, which isn't unusual. He would scream the same blood curdling scream if it was a paper cut or severed limb. I decide to remain calm until I know more. I looked in his mouth and saw no blood and silver dust and little white pieces. White pieces? What is that? Hmmmm...... I take a better look and realize it's pieces of his FRONT TEETH! Holy crap! We quickly headed for home and about a minute into the ride he stops crying. Okay, felt a little better. It finally hit me that the kid who has conquered the table, the kitchen island, the top of the sofa, his high chair, etc just injured himself while WALKING ON THE GROUND!!! Only I could produce a kid who can defy gravity and get schooled by a couple of wood chips! Then we made it home and all Nathan cared about was getting the ice out of the ice bag so he could eat it. Good sign, I'd say!
I think I was handling it very well, but then a little something I like to call second hand anxiety started kicking in. People, who shall remain nameless, kept asking me if I was okay. There were also offers from people to take care of the kids so I could take a relaxing bath or drink some wine. My neurotic brain starts to wonder if I should be worrying??? Should I be more upset? I fell asleep switching back and forth from sheer panic and thinking it's no big deal.
When I got up and saw this big hilly billy grin, I stopped worrying!
AWOL Balls: Tuesday after dropping Sydney off at preschool, I had to take Nathan for a well check. I was glad this was going to be an easy, normal visit. I was a little nervous for his dentist appointment the next day. Things were going smoothly, even with a new doctor, and then it was time to check under the diaper. It's usually a quick check, but it seemed to be taking a while. Both Nathan and the doctor looked very confused. I totally understood Nathan's confusion but what was up with the doctor. She told me she couldn't seem to find his testicles to check them. Say what?????????? Then she stood him up and kinda found one but not really the other. What the heck? I swear they were there before. She told me that sometimes they become undescended again and that I need to take him to a CHOP urologist. What kind of horrorible mom am I? I was suppose to be watching to make sure they stayed put?!? Oh man, I have no idea when it happened? How the heck did it happen? I knew I shouldn't have let him try to drink that thick smoothie with that straw! Who knew that testicles were sneaky little buggers! I was traumatized the whole rest of the day! I kept worrying about my poor little baby boy! My mother in law Googled it and told me that if he needed something done that it looked like would be a simple fix. But like a friend told me, there are simple procedures and there are "nut" procedures and never the two shall meet. Well, I was about to find out on Thursday! Dun Dun Dunnnn!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Insults and Inspiration..... what the heck is this blog about?
The other week I cracked open a fortune cookie and this is what it said:
You constantly struggle for self improvement and it shows
What the heck???? Since when are fortune cookies insulting?? How did it know that I was most definitely not gifted with the type A personality? How did it know that I am not the "super mom" that pinterest show us how to be? How did it know that.....
*I use coupons, but there are a ton of expired ones that I will get around to tossing out, eventually!
* I didn't make my own baby food ( oh the horror!!)
* I'll never be my ideal weight, especially when I sometimes lie to my calorie counter app
* The only way I will become a runner is if I hire a tiger to chase me
* My kids aren't geniuses ready for the SATs, but they can sing the ABCs well
* The style of my home is sale chic with a splash of "hey, we don't want this anymore. Do you?"
* I'd probably be in shape if I put as much energy into it as I do plotting ways to add extra fat and calories into super fit people's desserts (just kidding????)
* I may or may not remember the last time I had time to wash my hair
* My daily routine is so flexible, it's basically get up and sometime before 8pm get myself and the kids fed and dressed
Well, you know what, you smug little fortune cookie , you were stale and the jokes on you! I am perfectly happy being imperfect. Life is way more interesting when it's not in perfect order! The chaos creates some pretty awesome stories and I am happy to share them. I will shout them from the mountain top of laundry that mysteriously forms (seriously, my kids spend most of their time half naked. Where does it all come from?) Okay, so maybe I won't "shout" them but I will put them in this blog.
Hopefully, It will be funny. There will probably be a little too much information sometimes! (it's a mom thing!) There will not be lots of great tips or brilliant ideas. There definitely will be grammar and spelling mistakes ( Give me a break, I haven't slept well in 4 years). And I am so not good with conclusions. I am so focused on making a story funny, that I don't know how to wrap it and........
You constantly struggle for self improvement and it shows
What the heck???? Since when are fortune cookies insulting?? How did it know that I was most definitely not gifted with the type A personality? How did it know that I am not the "super mom" that pinterest show us how to be? How did it know that.....
*I use coupons, but there are a ton of expired ones that I will get around to tossing out, eventually!
* I didn't make my own baby food ( oh the horror!!)
* I'll never be my ideal weight, especially when I sometimes lie to my calorie counter app
* The only way I will become a runner is if I hire a tiger to chase me
* My kids aren't geniuses ready for the SATs, but they can sing the ABCs well
* The style of my home is sale chic with a splash of "hey, we don't want this anymore. Do you?"
* I'd probably be in shape if I put as much energy into it as I do plotting ways to add extra fat and calories into super fit people's desserts (just kidding????)
* I may or may not remember the last time I had time to wash my hair
* My daily routine is so flexible, it's basically get up and sometime before 8pm get myself and the kids fed and dressed
Well, you know what, you smug little fortune cookie , you were stale and the jokes on you! I am perfectly happy being imperfect. Life is way more interesting when it's not in perfect order! The chaos creates some pretty awesome stories and I am happy to share them. I will shout them from the mountain top of laundry that mysteriously forms (seriously, my kids spend most of their time half naked. Where does it all come from?) Okay, so maybe I won't "shout" them but I will put them in this blog.
Hopefully, It will be funny. There will probably be a little too much information sometimes! (it's a mom thing!) There will not be lots of great tips or brilliant ideas. There definitely will be grammar and spelling mistakes ( Give me a break, I haven't slept well in 4 years). And I am so not good with conclusions. I am so focused on making a story funny, that I don't know how to wrap it and........
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