How to unsuccessfully cut sugar out of your life

As most of you know, because you all love to ask me why I am not huge (#pastrychefproblems), I rarely eat a whole dessert except for ice cream.  You kinda get tired of cake after you bake your one thousandth one.. That doesn't mean that my body isn't made up of about 40% simple syrup! Back in March, I started the 21 day fix. The sugar detox went surprisingly well! And then I started falling off the wagon a little bit when life got a little crazy. I started eating "cleanish" and considered myself not on the clean eating wagon but not completely off..... More like dragging along in back holding onto a twizzler rope. Here are some tips on how you too can be unsuccessful at cutting out sugar. Before I start, let me mention that it's about 80% thinking outside the box!

* Love your Children: Their adorableness makes them candy magnets at parades. You care about their health so you need to get rid of a few pieces if you catch my drift! I mean sure you could cut back on the number of parades you go to since they hate the sound of the fire trucks and don't want to go anyway but.... You're making memories!


* Love your Spouse:  Sometimes being home ALL DAY with your kids is tough. They're all like "where did all the tootsie rolls from the parade go?" Then you're all like, "I have no idea!" *picks chocolate flavored roll of survival out of teeth* The crying goes on and on and on! Stealing that massive spoon of ice cream or cutting off a little bit of brownie and then another and then another and then another and then the final piece is the most delicious way to relieve the frustration of the day instead you know, wanting to take it out on your poor unsuspecting spouse!


*Love your Friends: Friends don't let friends eat sugar alone. Now if they are just eating sugar because you are then..... Shhh!! I won't tell!

*Quality Control: You need to taste stuff before you serve it to others. ( Especially when you are experimenting with new recipes or new menus! Lord help me on New Menu days!!) If you take pride in your work, then you better make sure you are 110% satisfied with the unhealthy fruits of your labor! Mmm... I want I bite of apple crisp or two!

* Strive for Improvement: My ice cream flavor brainstorming has been on point lately! Kahlua brownie chunk! Strawberry shortcake with bite sized pieces of pound cake! Peanut butter s'mores ! You must collect several samples throughout the batch to make sure the flavors combine perfectly!

* Don't be Wasteful: You're eating plain Greek yogurt and it tastes like sadness! (Try adding some frozen blueberries that have been slightly thawed and it's only mildly tastes like disappointment) Your child has left 3 or 4 bites of their flavored yogurt. You can't let it go to waste. Another example is the crust of their PB&J sandwich. Well, at least it's whole wheat, right?? Well, I mean you might have spread the jelly real close to the edge because you know the crust will be rejected even when they say it won't, but......


AND FINALLY, IT'S NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY! So eat some ice cream and vow to reset your diet tomorrow with me!!!!!!!'

Thoroughly discussed exciting news

  If you have seen us at all recently, then you have without a doubt been told all about this. Sydney lost her two bottom teeth.  I could write all about it or I could just list a bunch of Syd's comment..... Quoting her is usually much funnier than anything I could come up with so here you go!

Mom, guess what! I have a loose tooth! See, it's right here. I know it's loose because my friend told me and she is older than me so she  knows!

What are we having for lunch? Remember! My tooth is loose! 

I can't believe that my tooth is finally loose!

Do you think that I should wiggle it?

When will it come out?

Are you excited? Are you just excited or really excited? Why are you so excited?

I can't wait to tell Daddy!

Should I tell my teacher when I have school next time?

Do you think that I should tell the post office man when we get there?

when will the rest of my teeth fall out?

So soon I'll have all my grown up teeth and then I'll be ready to be a mom?  (Pretty sure I had a mild heart attack with that one)


Is the tooth fairy real? I think it's just you and daddy!

How much money will the tooth fairy give me? Do think it will be a lot?

I wiggled it! Do you think that it's looser?

Pop-Pop pulled your teeth out? Maybe I should ask him since he knows how!

I can't wait to tell Daddy!

So do you think that the tooth fairy will give me lots of money? I just want to know so I know what I can buy. Because like if she gives me $18, I could buy something REALLY EXPENSIVE!!

Daddy! Daddy! DAD! DAAAD! I have to tell you something very exciting! Can you come here now? Daddy! Dad...... Mom, he isn't coming up here yet! Dad! Dad, can you hurry up so i can tell you.... Mom, why is he taking so long? Hi Daddy.... Never mind, I'll tell you in a little bit. I need to do it when I am ready

Okay Daddy, I have a loose tooth! Are you excited for me?

Mom, do you think that Daddy is really excited or is he just saying that? Yeah, I think he is excited too!

When will my tooth come out?

My friend wiggled my tooth today and she said it'll come out really soon!

What should I eat to help my tooth come out?

Maybe I'll ask Pop-Pop to pull it. Are you sure he pulled your teeth?

Should I be wiggling it when I watch TV?

My friend wiggled my tooth for me again!

Pop-Pop can you pull my tooth out for me?

Umm Mommy, next time I think that I am going to let my tooth come out in its' own time! 


  I don't even want to tell you how much money the girl got from the tooth fairy and her grandparents! I feel like I should have gotten a cut of it for answering all her questions! I think we talked more about teeth that week than a dental school student does in a year!

I'm baaaaack!!

Well hello there, all 3 of my readers!

      Have you missed me?? I know it's been a LONG, LONG time! You probably thought that my family threatened to kill me after that Christmas greeting, but despite my best efforts, I haven't driven them to that point yet. I just didn't have much inspiration.  This is pretty much what my entire winter boils down to:

I HATE WINTER!
I AM SO, SO COLD!
WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?
IS WINTER OVER YET?
I'M FREAKIN FREEZING!
YOUR GLOVES WERE JUST HERE!
I HATE HAVING TO SCRAPE ICE OFF MY WINDSHIELD!
WINTER, YOU SUCK!
WHY IS IT SO FLIPPIN COLD!
DARN IT! I JUST BOUGHT YOU NEW GLOVES! HOW CAN THEY BE LOST!
WINTER IS THE WORST!
SHUT UP! I CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT WINTER AS MUCH AS I WANT! I NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SUMMER! I DO NOT! JUST UP!
I AM COLDER THAN COLD
OH GREAT! I DON'T HAVE HANDS ANYMORE. I HAVE CLAWS! SPENT ALL MY TIME LOOKING FOR YOUR GLOVES AND FORGOT MINE!
WINTER WILL NEVER EVER END AND I AM GONNA DIE!

See, you didn't want to hear all that!  Also, while I was stuck at home with time practically moving backwards. I started saying yes to everything and volunteering for things without checking the calendar (because there are so, so, so many boring hours in a week!) Then spring hit and I realized that I was gonna have an ugly spring!!!  I see you making a mental note to wait until winter to ask me for that favor! Just stop it! I won't do it! Who am I kidding! I will totally say yes and then sometime in April, I will be asking myself if I really like you enough to go through this stress;)


And I might as well get this terrible news out of the way..... *takes a deep breath* It looks like there will not be a Wiggles Concert for us this year. Enough of my facebook friends must have gathered together and prayed! There isn't one in PA this year! Not sure how Karen and I.... I mean Karen's kids and my kids will handle the disappointment!

Ford Holiday Newsletter 2014

Dear friends, family, and people we don't actually like but keep as Facebook friends so you can be jealous of us,
     We hope you are having an awesome holiday season ( except for that last group! Hope yours is just slightly above average.)  Before I begin, I must confess something...... I have been feeling very convicted. Last years letter was a LIE! ( 2013 Christmas Letter) I was trying to be humble, but it was ridiculous! You all know us well enough to know how fabulous we are!  I'm sure you saw through all the lies.  Please accept my sincerest apologies! Now for the honest to goodness truth about 2014!

    Fortunately, 2014 was a quiet year. I mean, a family can only handle so much awesomeness!  It was a great year with lots of family time and fun with friends, both old and new!  And of course no year would be complete without a Wiggles Concert!

Sydney: It's hard to believe that our baby girl is 5 years old! She completed her first year of preschool and is loving her second year.  She also tried gymnastics this past year and did really well.  Her biggest accomplishment was going from being scared in the pool, to jumping and swimming around with all by herself.

She just excels at everything she does

Nathan: Even though our precious little boy turned 2 yrs old, he has been so perfectly pleasant! He continues to be a master climber.  He got lots of time with Mommy while Sydney is at school.  I think his favorite thing this year was driving around in his Nana and Grandpa's golf cart!

Yes, we are gonna ask the doctor about his head size

Their golf cart is the envy of the community! We always ride in style

Jamie and Stephen: We know how it is anymore, you don't really care about us. Cute kids always trump parents, so we will just skip this part. You don't want to hear about our incredible lives!  We will just show you a few random photos from our vacation to the Outer Banks NC!!

I know, I know this looks fake! It's true! It's not just some random photo! We totally staged this with matching suits for our Christmas letter!

With 4 young grand kids on the beach, it always feels like you're on duty! Despite that, the sun and sand had a rejuvenating effect on my mom and dad

2014 is ending on a very sad note! Our very dear friends, Matt, Karen, Hannah, and Charlotte are moving away! We just wanted to use this opportunity (since they are probably the only ones who will read this) to express how much we love them and will miss seeing them every Sunday. When we think of fun, we think of them.  It's so hard to find other families that you can truly connect with and find a common interest! We can't wait to overstay our welcome at their new house!!!

I probably should have waited until AFTER they moved to post this letter. Things like this might be one of the reasons that he jumped on this opportunity to create some distance between Karen and I!

 MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Love,

 Stephen, Jamie, Sydney, and Nathan

5 years of parenting

Today is Sydney's 5th birthday. That means that I have been a parent for 5 years! That can't be right!?! It feels like just yesterday even though some of those days felt like an eternity and then some. I've learned a few things along the way and thought that I would jot them down!

1. I don't know anything! Yes, that's right! I know NOTHING! Then why are you listening to my advice? I'm really not sure, you should probably reevaluate your life choices! Just kidding! The only reason that I have advice is because I learn a lot after the fact. I usually feel like I am stumbling around like an idiot for each new step. ( Even with Nathan I am clueless, the 2nd kids like to change it all up on you)

2. I had no comprehension of what the word "tired" meant before kids. Same goes for the phrase "my house is so dirty!"

3. Don't judge other parents! Your kids will find a way to make you humble and put you in your place!

4. Kids only poop at the park if you have forgotten diapers

5. Don't even bother planning car trips around nap schedules. They will do the opposite of what you expect!

6. If your child finally falls asleep in the car, you will hit every red light, have to pay a toll, and/or need to stop for gas.

7. At some point you have to admit that frumpy is in fact your new style. The "I know I look like a slob, but it's okay, it was one of those days " excuse doesn't work when you say it everyday.

8. Baby food defies all the laws of gravity.

9. What once was gross is now your new normal (Being puked on really changes your perspective)

10. Toddler Law: What's mine is MINE! What's yours is MINE! What's theirs is MINE! That thing I touched before but don't even care about... MINE! That thing in the store will be MINE!

11. It matters which color cup the milk goes in!

12. Write everything down, even if you think that you will remember it all (see #2)

13. Baby socks are the devil!!

14. You just can't LET IT GO no matter how many times you try to get the song out of your head!

15. Know where all the local playgrounds are; it will save your life.

16. Can't afford to take them to an amusement park? Just let them ride the mall elevator a million times.

17. Establish kid friendly alternatives to swear words! Even if you didn't swear before, you'll need them!

18.  Your parents are smiling because you are raising a mini you and watching someone else go through what they went through is hysterical.

19. Cuddles are the best ever!!!

20. You know you know more than this but..... that whole new understanding of the word "tired" thing.... Can. Not. Type. Anymore....... soooooo sleeee..........

unfit mother

      I had no intention of writing about this. I was trying to block it out of my memory, but Syd keeps talking about it and how some kids in her class got metals.  Metals what for, you ask?  The Race for Education! If you know me, you can probably see where this is going!
     This happened a while ago, so I don't remember all the details, but I know it was right after a very busy weekend.  I really didn't put too much brain power into planning my attendance.  They said parents could come and show support and help teachers keep track of the kids. In case you don't know what the Race for Education is, it's a fundraiser where friends and family pledge to give money for each lap the kid completes.  They're preschoolers so it couldn't be that big of a deal, right!?!
     We stayed after drop off  instead of coming home and having to turn right back around. I grabbed the back up stroller that we always keep in the van and walked around with Nathan's buddy ( one of the grandmothers from drop off/pick up!) After a while more parents started trickling down to the track area.  I noticed some moms in workout clothes and some jogging strollers. A lot of moms wear work out clothes during drop off, so I didn't think anything of it. Then I started noticing more and more of them and then some dads in full running gear. I even saw a very pregnant mom looking ready to run. OH NO! This can't be good!
   I took a deep breath and reminded myself that Syd always ends up making me carrying her on my back when we walk home from the park. I don't need to worry! We'll just walk around and have fun.  The kids lined up and then started running. I kept looking towards the back of the group for Syd. I couldn't find her.  Stephen's aunt (one of the teacher's aids) walked by and asked if I was going to join Syd. I told her that I couldn't find her. She pointed way up ahead. WHAT. THE. HECK. My kid was running like crazy! I felt so deceived! This kid's been holding out on me! NEVER CARRYING HER AGAIN!
     I decided to catch her on the next round. I saw her and went to move, but the stroller wouldn't budge on the stone track. Well, crap! I was going to have to carry Nathan. At least Syd was almost done her second lap, she HAD to be pretty worn out by now! We went and caught up with her.
    SERIOUSLY, WHOSE KID IS THIS? That couldn't be my kid!! She kept wanting to run! There I was, the person who hates running more than anything else in the world, running in old jeans that kept sliding down and carrying a 30 lbs toddler on my hip. I was extra lazy that morning and haphazardly pulled my hair up and just slipped my already kinda tied sneakers on my feet.  I am sure that I looked completely ridiculous!  We ran for part of the lap and then I had to readjust the bouncing Nathan ( who was saying "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! with each step) and walked the rest. Oh the awkwardness! Oh the.... i don't even know how to describe it!
    Fortunately, Stephen's aunt ended up on the sidelines with some kids so she took Nathan.  Syd and I walked/ran a couple more laps. I prayed and prayed that I had remembered to put on deodorant that morning and that I didn't make it into any of the photos being taken.  We survived, but Syd definitely did not have an award winning amount of laps under her belt!!
    And in case you were wondering, Nathan and I are gonna start training for the next one! Maybe I'll get us matching jogging suits and sweatbands. You'll probably see us jogging along the road, Wiggles songs playing on our ipods. Actually, probably not! I really freakin hate running! Hopefully, I'll just get a case of appendicitis or something next time:)

How to Guide: Attending Wiggles Concerts

      I have been stressing about this post for about 6 months! Being a Wiggles fan has sort of grown into a running joke and people expect me to make them uncomfortable with my love of doing the Propeller and Fruit Salad Yummy! Yummy! I shared my love and made fun of myself a little too well last time! How was I going to top it!?! What angle could I take this year? How can I make it funnier than the last one?
       I can't, so I'm not! Inspiration struck at the concert!  The guy in front of us at the concert saw the kids' outfits and the stuff we brought with us and said, "This is your first concert, huh?"  My mom and sister said they heard several other people comment about how prepared we were. (Well, I think that is what they said. Both of their seats must have been broken or something! They were sitting so low in their seats! It was hard to hear them!) I thought about these comments and decided that my friend Karen and I are pros at taking our kids to The Wiggles Concerts and should educate others. 
     Instead of writing something witty or silly, I am going to write a SERIOUS guide about planning for/attending a Wiggles concert! Not going to be funny at all! Just full of tips and important facts! Get ready to amazed by the knowledge I'm about to drop on you!

HOW TO GET YOUR WIGGLE ON LIKE A PRO

Since I want to be as helpful as possible, I am including 2 levels. There is a beginner level and for those secure enough in the coolness to openly adore them, an expert level!

Getting tickets:

 Beginner - Join the fan club so you get tour alerts and get the chance to purchase the tickets the day before ticket sales begin!

Expert - Upgrade to Fan club 'Plus' so you can get tickets before the regular fan club. You also get a cool gift pack with things like posters, stickers, and a cool water bottle that you can take to work.... no, I mean the kids can take to school! School! Not Work! Silly me!

The Countdown:
Beginner - Keep it a secret until you get closer to the concert and then mark it on a calendar to count down days. 
Expert - How can I describe what it's like waiting for a Wiggles concert? Imagine waiting for your birthday that you know you are going to spend on a cruise with a 24hr Chocolate buffet. Also, both sets of your grandparents recently won the lottery (and love buying you gifts!) Oh, and you have been promised that pony you've always wanted, only it poops gold! It feels like that! And the kids get pretty excited too. They start dreaming about the next concert before we leave the building of the current tour. As soon as the tour dates are released, make an insanely long paper chain count down.

The completed chain.... over a 100 days to countdown

Getting closer! Look! One of our cool posters from the gift pack!

Wardrobe:
  Beginner - Buy the kids a Wiggles shirt! You can even find mini Wiggle shirts at Walmart. It's totally worth it! The Wiggles LOVE their fans and notice all their mini mes! Buy the t-shirt version and get the next size up so they can't wear it next year! 
Expert - Obsess about having every Wiggle represented! They are each awesome in their own way and you can't stand the thought of one of them feeling left out. I just love them so much.
 *The Kids just love! Umm... stupid autocorrect on my laptop??? Yeah, that's it! 
Also make sure YOUR Wiggle shirt is all ready to go. Sure it was a kind of a gag gift, but you showed your family! It's one well worn t-shirt!!

We are so awesome it isn't even funny

Posters/Bones:
Beginners - Let the kids decorate a poster or draw a bone for Wags. The Wiggles try to collect as many posters as possible. Last concert, they went through all the bones and read the names of the kids who gave them.
Expert - Turn poster making into a fun event with friends! Bust out the stickers, glitter glue, paint, and feathers! Spend lots of hours choosing designs!

These dear sweet teens are way too nice! Gave up a Sunday afternoon to hang out with us

Jess is super talented

Amy handles glitter glue like no other

THE ROSES!!
Beginners - LISTEN UP! This is the most important part of the preparations! You may be thinking this all is too much and that we are crazy.. First of all, Whateves!! We know you are just jealous of our creativity and awesomeness! Secondly, LOTS of people do this. This is your child's chance to interact with a Wiggle. This is when the magic happens! If the venue is small enough, the Wiggles themselves come out and collect the roses.  Your kids get to say hello to them and give high fives!!! Make sure you have your camera ready.  They can't stop and pose with everyone or they would never make it back to the stage! 
Expert - If you have plenty of roses (and of course you do, you're always prepared,) take a look around. Do you see any newbies without any roses? Is there a kid who is sooooo excited but doesn't have one to give? Share the love! The way they go from such disappointment to udder excitement is pretty awesome! And maybe they will talk about you as that nice family at the concert instead of the weirdest people they have EVER seen!

On the way to the concert:
Beginners- Talk about what to expect and talk about singing and dancing along
Expert- Bring one of your Wiggles CDs. Get the kids excited and singing along until your daughter tells you to stop singing, you're scaring the baby. True story:(


During the Concert:
Beginners- Be prepared to run and catch. Children are drawn to that stage like a moth to a flame! They. Just. Can't. Resist! Watch in awe! That crazy chick was right! The concerts are AWESOME! Crack up at Captain Feathersword and all jokes for the grown up! Check out how well they all work together and love entertaining the kids!
Experts- Don't forget that your kids are there with you! Resist the urge to let your kids run to the front so that you can get to the front!! Sing your heart out, cause you know every song too! Soak up every moment of your kids joy and excitement! You are the world's coolest parent right now for bringing them to the concert. I am thinking that this might change when they are in high school. Don't take it for granted!   

Must get closer! He was so committed to being the Blue Wiggle he took off his shoes

Nathan's crazy lounge my way to the stage method

This is how you watch in awe

After the concert:
Beginners- Be prepared for some post concert let down. The kids will be pretty bummed too! Have some fun snacks and cool juice boxes for the way home. The treats will distract them and they will be hungry and thirsty from dancing like maniacs
Experts- Prepare for your heart to break and shatter into a million pieces when your precious little mini Emma starts sobbing!  The Wiggles are so friendly that the kids sometimes think of them as friends! The only way to stop the sobbing was to promise that we would tweet Emma a picture. (which is no problem because you are already following them on twitter!) Thank goodness it worked or I would have been googling "how to sell your kidney on the black market" to fund some trips to Australia. Oh stop! Don't judge me! I was joking, i think, no definitely joking! Settle down!

look at that precious face! Can you spot the lingering tear?

Okay, before I wrap this up, I need to clarify a few things! We know that you are laughing at us and not with us. Karen and I don't care because we are laughing at ourselves even more and that makes us NOT crazy! Self awareness! It separates us from the truly crazy fans! We may be over the top, but sometimes ya just gotta go wild and crazy. This is how you do that Mommy style! And also the Wiggles are Awesome, FOR REALS! People who create DVD after DVD that keeps the kids happy, dancing (wearing them out), and not destroying my house are HEROS! Music that cause peace and harmony in the Mini Van, it's BRILLIANT!  A celebrity that take time to say Hi  and tells the girls how much she love their headbands and that she noticed them from the stage.... only one word to describe it... just EMMA! Wait a minute! Where was I going with this? Huh, I was proving that we weren't crazy? Well, I think that I should just probably slowly back away from the computer now

Seriously! Look at this though! How awesome is that!