Ford Holiday Newsletter 2014

Dear friends, family, and people we don't actually like but keep as Facebook friends so you can be jealous of us,
     We hope you are having an awesome holiday season ( except for that last group! Hope yours is just slightly above average.)  Before I begin, I must confess something...... I have been feeling very convicted. Last years letter was a LIE! ( 2013 Christmas Letter) I was trying to be humble, but it was ridiculous! You all know us well enough to know how fabulous we are!  I'm sure you saw through all the lies.  Please accept my sincerest apologies! Now for the honest to goodness truth about 2014!

    Fortunately, 2014 was a quiet year. I mean, a family can only handle so much awesomeness!  It was a great year with lots of family time and fun with friends, both old and new!  And of course no year would be complete without a Wiggles Concert!

Sydney: It's hard to believe that our baby girl is 5 years old! She completed her first year of preschool and is loving her second year.  She also tried gymnastics this past year and did really well.  Her biggest accomplishment was going from being scared in the pool, to jumping and swimming around with all by herself.

She just excels at everything she does

Nathan: Even though our precious little boy turned 2 yrs old, he has been so perfectly pleasant! He continues to be a master climber.  He got lots of time with Mommy while Sydney is at school.  I think his favorite thing this year was driving around in his Nana and Grandpa's golf cart!

Yes, we are gonna ask the doctor about his head size

Their golf cart is the envy of the community! We always ride in style

Jamie and Stephen: We know how it is anymore, you don't really care about us. Cute kids always trump parents, so we will just skip this part. You don't want to hear about our incredible lives!  We will just show you a few random photos from our vacation to the Outer Banks NC!!

I know, I know this looks fake! It's true! It's not just some random photo! We totally staged this with matching suits for our Christmas letter!

With 4 young grand kids on the beach, it always feels like you're on duty! Despite that, the sun and sand had a rejuvenating effect on my mom and dad

2014 is ending on a very sad note! Our very dear friends, Matt, Karen, Hannah, and Charlotte are moving away! We just wanted to use this opportunity (since they are probably the only ones who will read this) to express how much we love them and will miss seeing them every Sunday. When we think of fun, we think of them.  It's so hard to find other families that you can truly connect with and find a common interest! We can't wait to overstay our welcome at their new house!!!

I probably should have waited until AFTER they moved to post this letter. Things like this might be one of the reasons that he jumped on this opportunity to create some distance between Karen and I!

 MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Love,

 Stephen, Jamie, Sydney, and Nathan

5 years of parenting

Today is Sydney's 5th birthday. That means that I have been a parent for 5 years! That can't be right!?! It feels like just yesterday even though some of those days felt like an eternity and then some. I've learned a few things along the way and thought that I would jot them down!

1. I don't know anything! Yes, that's right! I know NOTHING! Then why are you listening to my advice? I'm really not sure, you should probably reevaluate your life choices! Just kidding! The only reason that I have advice is because I learn a lot after the fact. I usually feel like I am stumbling around like an idiot for each new step. ( Even with Nathan I am clueless, the 2nd kids like to change it all up on you)

2. I had no comprehension of what the word "tired" meant before kids. Same goes for the phrase "my house is so dirty!"

3. Don't judge other parents! Your kids will find a way to make you humble and put you in your place!

4. Kids only poop at the park if you have forgotten diapers

5. Don't even bother planning car trips around nap schedules. They will do the opposite of what you expect!

6. If your child finally falls asleep in the car, you will hit every red light, have to pay a toll, and/or need to stop for gas.

7. At some point you have to admit that frumpy is in fact your new style. The "I know I look like a slob, but it's okay, it was one of those days " excuse doesn't work when you say it everyday.

8. Baby food defies all the laws of gravity.

9. What once was gross is now your new normal (Being puked on really changes your perspective)

10. Toddler Law: What's mine is MINE! What's yours is MINE! What's theirs is MINE! That thing I touched before but don't even care about... MINE! That thing in the store will be MINE!

11. It matters which color cup the milk goes in!

12. Write everything down, even if you think that you will remember it all (see #2)

13. Baby socks are the devil!!

14. You just can't LET IT GO no matter how many times you try to get the song out of your head!

15. Know where all the local playgrounds are; it will save your life.

16. Can't afford to take them to an amusement park? Just let them ride the mall elevator a million times.

17. Establish kid friendly alternatives to swear words! Even if you didn't swear before, you'll need them!

18.  Your parents are smiling because you are raising a mini you and watching someone else go through what they went through is hysterical.

19. Cuddles are the best ever!!!

20. You know you know more than this but..... that whole new understanding of the word "tired" thing.... Can. Not. Type. Anymore....... soooooo sleeee..........

unfit mother

      I had no intention of writing about this. I was trying to block it out of my memory, but Syd keeps talking about it and how some kids in her class got metals.  Metals what for, you ask?  The Race for Education! If you know me, you can probably see where this is going!
     This happened a while ago, so I don't remember all the details, but I know it was right after a very busy weekend.  I really didn't put too much brain power into planning my attendance.  They said parents could come and show support and help teachers keep track of the kids. In case you don't know what the Race for Education is, it's a fundraiser where friends and family pledge to give money for each lap the kid completes.  They're preschoolers so it couldn't be that big of a deal, right!?!
     We stayed after drop off  instead of coming home and having to turn right back around. I grabbed the back up stroller that we always keep in the van and walked around with Nathan's buddy ( one of the grandmothers from drop off/pick up!) After a while more parents started trickling down to the track area.  I noticed some moms in workout clothes and some jogging strollers. A lot of moms wear work out clothes during drop off, so I didn't think anything of it. Then I started noticing more and more of them and then some dads in full running gear. I even saw a very pregnant mom looking ready to run. OH NO! This can't be good!
   I took a deep breath and reminded myself that Syd always ends up making me carrying her on my back when we walk home from the park. I don't need to worry! We'll just walk around and have fun.  The kids lined up and then started running. I kept looking towards the back of the group for Syd. I couldn't find her.  Stephen's aunt (one of the teacher's aids) walked by and asked if I was going to join Syd. I told her that I couldn't find her. She pointed way up ahead. WHAT. THE. HECK. My kid was running like crazy! I felt so deceived! This kid's been holding out on me! NEVER CARRYING HER AGAIN!
     I decided to catch her on the next round. I saw her and went to move, but the stroller wouldn't budge on the stone track. Well, crap! I was going to have to carry Nathan. At least Syd was almost done her second lap, she HAD to be pretty worn out by now! We went and caught up with her.
    SERIOUSLY, WHOSE KID IS THIS? That couldn't be my kid!! She kept wanting to run! There I was, the person who hates running more than anything else in the world, running in old jeans that kept sliding down and carrying a 30 lbs toddler on my hip. I was extra lazy that morning and haphazardly pulled my hair up and just slipped my already kinda tied sneakers on my feet.  I am sure that I looked completely ridiculous!  We ran for part of the lap and then I had to readjust the bouncing Nathan ( who was saying "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! with each step) and walked the rest. Oh the awkwardness! Oh the.... i don't even know how to describe it!
    Fortunately, Stephen's aunt ended up on the sidelines with some kids so she took Nathan.  Syd and I walked/ran a couple more laps. I prayed and prayed that I had remembered to put on deodorant that morning and that I didn't make it into any of the photos being taken.  We survived, but Syd definitely did not have an award winning amount of laps under her belt!!
    And in case you were wondering, Nathan and I are gonna start training for the next one! Maybe I'll get us matching jogging suits and sweatbands. You'll probably see us jogging along the road, Wiggles songs playing on our ipods. Actually, probably not! I really freakin hate running! Hopefully, I'll just get a case of appendicitis or something next time:)

How to Guide: Attending Wiggles Concerts

      I have been stressing about this post for about 6 months! Being a Wiggles fan has sort of grown into a running joke and people expect me to make them uncomfortable with my love of doing the Propeller and Fruit Salad Yummy! Yummy! I shared my love and made fun of myself a little too well last time! How was I going to top it!?! What angle could I take this year? How can I make it funnier than the last one?
       I can't, so I'm not! Inspiration struck at the concert!  The guy in front of us at the concert saw the kids' outfits and the stuff we brought with us and said, "This is your first concert, huh?"  My mom and sister said they heard several other people comment about how prepared we were. (Well, I think that is what they said. Both of their seats must have been broken or something! They were sitting so low in their seats! It was hard to hear them!) I thought about these comments and decided that my friend Karen and I are pros at taking our kids to The Wiggles Concerts and should educate others. 
     Instead of writing something witty or silly, I am going to write a SERIOUS guide about planning for/attending a Wiggles concert! Not going to be funny at all! Just full of tips and important facts! Get ready to amazed by the knowledge I'm about to drop on you!

HOW TO GET YOUR WIGGLE ON LIKE A PRO

Since I want to be as helpful as possible, I am including 2 levels. There is a beginner level and for those secure enough in the coolness to openly adore them, an expert level!

Getting tickets:

 Beginner - Join the fan club so you get tour alerts and get the chance to purchase the tickets the day before ticket sales begin!

Expert - Upgrade to Fan club 'Plus' so you can get tickets before the regular fan club. You also get a cool gift pack with things like posters, stickers, and a cool water bottle that you can take to work.... no, I mean the kids can take to school! School! Not Work! Silly me!

The Countdown:
Beginner - Keep it a secret until you get closer to the concert and then mark it on a calendar to count down days. 
Expert - How can I describe what it's like waiting for a Wiggles concert? Imagine waiting for your birthday that you know you are going to spend on a cruise with a 24hr Chocolate buffet. Also, both sets of your grandparents recently won the lottery (and love buying you gifts!) Oh, and you have been promised that pony you've always wanted, only it poops gold! It feels like that! And the kids get pretty excited too. They start dreaming about the next concert before we leave the building of the current tour. As soon as the tour dates are released, make an insanely long paper chain count down.

The completed chain.... over a 100 days to countdown

Getting closer! Look! One of our cool posters from the gift pack!

Wardrobe:
  Beginner - Buy the kids a Wiggles shirt! You can even find mini Wiggle shirts at Walmart. It's totally worth it! The Wiggles LOVE their fans and notice all their mini mes! Buy the t-shirt version and get the next size up so they can't wear it next year! 
Expert - Obsess about having every Wiggle represented! They are each awesome in their own way and you can't stand the thought of one of them feeling left out. I just love them so much.
 *The Kids just love! Umm... stupid autocorrect on my laptop??? Yeah, that's it! 
Also make sure YOUR Wiggle shirt is all ready to go. Sure it was a kind of a gag gift, but you showed your family! It's one well worn t-shirt!!

We are so awesome it isn't even funny

Posters/Bones:
Beginners - Let the kids decorate a poster or draw a bone for Wags. The Wiggles try to collect as many posters as possible. Last concert, they went through all the bones and read the names of the kids who gave them.
Expert - Turn poster making into a fun event with friends! Bust out the stickers, glitter glue, paint, and feathers! Spend lots of hours choosing designs!

These dear sweet teens are way too nice! Gave up a Sunday afternoon to hang out with us

Jess is super talented

Amy handles glitter glue like no other

THE ROSES!!
Beginners - LISTEN UP! This is the most important part of the preparations! You may be thinking this all is too much and that we are crazy.. First of all, Whateves!! We know you are just jealous of our creativity and awesomeness! Secondly, LOTS of people do this. This is your child's chance to interact with a Wiggle. This is when the magic happens! If the venue is small enough, the Wiggles themselves come out and collect the roses.  Your kids get to say hello to them and give high fives!!! Make sure you have your camera ready.  They can't stop and pose with everyone or they would never make it back to the stage! 
Expert - If you have plenty of roses (and of course you do, you're always prepared,) take a look around. Do you see any newbies without any roses? Is there a kid who is sooooo excited but doesn't have one to give? Share the love! The way they go from such disappointment to udder excitement is pretty awesome! And maybe they will talk about you as that nice family at the concert instead of the weirdest people they have EVER seen!

On the way to the concert:
Beginners- Talk about what to expect and talk about singing and dancing along
Expert- Bring one of your Wiggles CDs. Get the kids excited and singing along until your daughter tells you to stop singing, you're scaring the baby. True story:(


During the Concert:
Beginners- Be prepared to run and catch. Children are drawn to that stage like a moth to a flame! They. Just. Can't. Resist! Watch in awe! That crazy chick was right! The concerts are AWESOME! Crack up at Captain Feathersword and all jokes for the grown up! Check out how well they all work together and love entertaining the kids!
Experts- Don't forget that your kids are there with you! Resist the urge to let your kids run to the front so that you can get to the front!! Sing your heart out, cause you know every song too! Soak up every moment of your kids joy and excitement! You are the world's coolest parent right now for bringing them to the concert. I am thinking that this might change when they are in high school. Don't take it for granted!   

Must get closer! He was so committed to being the Blue Wiggle he took off his shoes

Nathan's crazy lounge my way to the stage method

This is how you watch in awe

After the concert:
Beginners- Be prepared for some post concert let down. The kids will be pretty bummed too! Have some fun snacks and cool juice boxes for the way home. The treats will distract them and they will be hungry and thirsty from dancing like maniacs
Experts- Prepare for your heart to break and shatter into a million pieces when your precious little mini Emma starts sobbing!  The Wiggles are so friendly that the kids sometimes think of them as friends! The only way to stop the sobbing was to promise that we would tweet Emma a picture. (which is no problem because you are already following them on twitter!) Thank goodness it worked or I would have been googling "how to sell your kidney on the black market" to fund some trips to Australia. Oh stop! Don't judge me! I was joking, i think, no definitely joking! Settle down!

look at that precious face! Can you spot the lingering tear?

Okay, before I wrap this up, I need to clarify a few things! We know that you are laughing at us and not with us. Karen and I don't care because we are laughing at ourselves even more and that makes us NOT crazy! Self awareness! It separates us from the truly crazy fans! We may be over the top, but sometimes ya just gotta go wild and crazy. This is how you do that Mommy style! And also the Wiggles are Awesome, FOR REALS! People who create DVD after DVD that keeps the kids happy, dancing (wearing them out), and not destroying my house are HEROS! Music that cause peace and harmony in the Mini Van, it's BRILLIANT!  A celebrity that take time to say Hi  and tells the girls how much she love their headbands and that she noticed them from the stage.... only one word to describe it... just EMMA! Wait a minute! Where was I going with this? Huh, I was proving that we weren't crazy? Well, I think that I should just probably slowly back away from the computer now

Seriously! Look at this though! How awesome is that!

 









 

 

Heaven Help Me When She Go To College!!

  I got a little nutty last year when Syd first started preschool. I thought it was just because it was such a last minute mad rush to get her signed up and ready to go! ( She was only potty trained like a week before school started!) I thought I made myself crazy by trying to create a fun last day of summer! ( There is a blog post about that and potty training if you want a better understanding) Yeah, it appears as if I have a bit of a tough time dealing with my baby growing up! Apparently, I don't handle it so well!
   It wouldn't be right if I didn't set the stage with the night before school. I had almost everything ready to go. Everyone's clothes were laid out, even mine! Milks were poured for the kids at breakfast. Purse, diaper bag, and back pack were all lined up near the door. We did not have a family photo and a picture of her having fun this summer that her letter from her teacher said she needed.  There seemed to be a little communication issue about what she needed between me and Stephen, the tech guy of the family.  There may have been some screaming at 9pm about pictures not being good enough and getting butts to CVS stat! (side note: how sad is it that the only family photo we could find was an instagram selfie!Yikes!)

 Okay, the big day!!! Nathan woke me up at 4:30 so we had PLENTY of time to get ready! We were dressed and bored waiting. I decided to leave a bit early because of  road construction. I started looking in my purse for my keys. Can't find them! I swore I put them in there yesterday at Church. I checked the diaper bag. NOTHING! I pulled everything out of my purse and put on a huge fake grin as I panicked. I then checked all my regular spots and checked up stairs. NO WHERE TO BE FOUND! They can't.... No, I would have noticed if they fell out...... not possible.... let me check just to be sure. Oh yes, my keys are sitting on the floor on the passenger side of my LOCKED van!  I started freaking out! I was seriously considering breaking a window. I kinda felt like Cam on Modern family when Lilly was locked in the car.  I ran back into the house and started calling Stephen. He didn't pick up. I called again and again and again and again.  Visions of my baby being so late to school and having a bad first day filled me with rage! I texted him and then called my mom. She didn't pick up. I called my in laws and cried as I told them what happened. They said they would come right away. I decided to try Stephen one more time.  He was only halfway through his "hello" before I transformed into the psycho version of myself!  He didn't answer and our daughter's life was going to be ruined if she was late. RUINED!! I SCREAMED at him and told him to get home NOW to unlock the van!  I called my in laws and told them that they didn't have to come anymore, Stephen was on his way. They asked if there was anything else they could do. I said no and then I might have told them that they should probably say their "goodbyes" to their son because I was going to kill him. And by might of, I mean I definitely said those exact words! Stephen pulled up and had the van doors opening before he even had his car to a complete stop. We each threw a kid in the car and took off. Instead of going straight back to work, Stephen came with us. He must have seen the crazy in my eyes and knew i needed back up. We were much later than I had planned but didn't need to go to the office and there were still a few kids also coming in.  As we were leaving and putting Nathan in the car, Stephen was commenting about being yelled at last night and in the morning. Then he said something like at least you didn't call me a bad word today. I asked him if he checked his text messages yet!!! Oops!

S is for sleep deprivation, stupidity, and sobbing

    Life hasn't really knocked me down, but sometimes it decides to stick it's finger less than an inch from my face and play the I'm not touching you game. There are no major long term effects, but just the right amount of torture and irritation to make you crazy.  Lack of sleep seems to be the common theme of all my mini disasters this week.  When my brain is fully refreshed, it notices all the HUGE warning signs before trouble happens.  Without sleep, I am just a super moron!


Who ya gonna call??? Nobody, you idiot!
     In my defense, I barely got any sleep the night before. There were not one but two middle of the night bed wetting and sheet changes. Then Nathan woke me up early! Your brain would be slow too!
    Later that morning, I needed to get a shower and the kids wanted to play with shaving cream. They love to play with it so I thought, "great, I'll put it on the table and they will be completely entertained while I'm in the shower!" *coughs* Idiot! *coughs*  I ran upstairs and put my phone behind the bathroom sink faucet. YEAH! Then I went to my room to grab my clothes.  I decided to, for once in my life, put a little effort into it and ironed my shirt.  While I was ironing, I heard Nathan coming up the steps and thought nothing of it.  I went back to the bathroom and saw a little blob of shaving cream on my phone.  I picked it up to wipe it off and noticed a few drops on the screen too. Better wipe those off! Don't want them to make it hard to scroll down my screen. I tried to unlock my screen to check for texts and it was all demon possessed! I pulled off my case and there was water inside. Nathan must have bumped my phone while he was washing his hands. I completely panicked! I needed to call Stephen to ask him what to do, but we don't have a land line!!! I threw some rice in a bag and shoved my phone in it. I thought I should try and open it and take out the battery and wipe the inside, but I couldn't figure out how to open it.  I freaked out for about 10 minutes and then decided to run to the verizon store. I packed us all up into the van. We looked all haphazardly put together. My ironed shirt was all wrinkled and I think Nathan was wearing boots!?! Syd's hair was definitely not brushed, but I was not in a good place to tackle that battle. I held up the baggy of rice like a crazed lunatic and asked if there was any way to save it.  The poor unfortunate salesperson, calmly told me that the chances weren't good and then he tried to help me.  I didn't know the account number or password. I couldn't remember when my last upgrade was. I was stumbling when I was trying to remember my own phone number. He offered their phone to call someone but, I couldn't get any numbers because they were all on my phone. There are only 4 numbers that I can remember! [go ahead and make fun of me] I of course remember my parents' home number from growing up. I know my mom's work number but not the extension (probably from all the times I called to tattle on someone as a kid!) I remember my friend's parents' number. Great, I can call to ask if Bec can play! Finally, I remember the number to a local pizza shop because it's one number off from Bec's parents' number and my mom used to accidentally call the wrong one!  After the salesperson looked at me look for a bit, expecting some sort of response, I mumbled something about going to my husband's work and coming back later, and fled the scene. I threw the kids in the car and sobbed all the way to my parents house where I could look Stephen's number up in the church directory and give him a call.
    To cut the rambling short (ish), in the end, I had an upgrade available and Stephen came back with me to help me get a new phone. The same salesperson was there and I think I looked a lot less crazy.

What could go wrong?
     It was about 30 minutes before I had to go to work.  The kids really wanted to go outside. I decided to let Syd ride her bike around the block while I pushed Nathan in a stroller. Trying to be a good mom! Get them outside!  I noticed that Syd's one training wheel had shifted a little bit. I thought, "No problem! I'll just kick it back in place!" What? That doesn't sound stupid? I was wearing flip flops and not the thick, sturdy kind but the flimsy walmart pair. I kicked it once and thought maybe I shouldn't do this, but then decided this saved time. Got in two kinda good kicks and went for one more hard kick to get it in place. I totally slipped and sliced my toe.  I sliced it on the rusty screw. CRAP! RUSTY! When the heck was my last tetanus shot?? So I had to drag the kids back into the house and call the doctor.  The last one they had recorded was 1999. Crap! They told me to just quick come in and they would give me a shot *whispers liars* before work.  The doctors office is in the opposite direction from work, but close to my In Law's house. While Nathan was screaming about wanting to go in the stroller, I dialed my mother in law and handed the phone to Syd. I told her to tell Nana that I had to get a shot and that I was going to drop the kids off at their house instead of them coming here. I started grabbing diapers, sippy cups, shoes, and an extra car seat. It was total mass chaos. I got to the doctors and was handed like 40 papers to fill out since I hadn't been there in a long time and they took my picture for.... my file or I don't even know why! What happened to this quick drive by shot?? The nurse then told me that she needed to get approval by a doctor since I haven't been to their office in a long time. SO SORRY! I WILL TRY TO GET SICK MORE OFTEN! She also said she wanted them to make sure it wasn't infected. I just cut it less than an hour ago! After another  10 minute wait. The nurse saw the doctor and she said yes to the shot right away. Then she looked up and saw my unruly children.  She asked me if I got the whooping cough shot in the hospital after Nathan was born because tetanus is in that shot combo. Then she asked if they asked me that before they had me come into the office. AH, NOOO! I was pretty sure that I got the shot then, it's hard to remember much from that day. I pushed out an 8 lbs 3oz baby with no epidural! Anyways, I already wasted so much of my time, I got it just to be safe! I threw the kids in the car. Flew to my in law's house and practically threw my kids and diaper bag at their grandpa and left.  I don't think that I explained anything. All they had to go on was what Syd told them while Nathan was screaming in the background.  I think I cried during about 75% of my extra long commute to work! I could not believe that I did that and that I was going to have to rush around at work while every freaking step in my clog was going to rub against my cut! I usually don't get hurt bad, but I always manage to injure myself in just the right spot!

And the moral of all this, when you are sleep deprived you should probably just stay inside and watch lots of tv ;)

"Ya still Milking?" A bit about Pumping (BF part 3)

   You have given birth and discovered how "beautiful" it is and you've tackled breastfeeding, the most "natural" thing in the world.  Now it's time to unwrap that baby shower gift you have been hiding in the closet.  You get the concept but aren't exactly sure how it's going to work!  You bust out your breast pump and.......

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA????????  

What is that contraption? That goes there? Should they look like that when your done?  Is it suppose to sound that loud? What is that for?

First of all, give yourself a pat on back for even considering pumping! It can seem quite intimidating at the beginning and unlike breastfeeding, there ain't nothing natural about this, unless you happen to be a dairy farmer and then it's a bit of strange of deja vu and irony!  Now that you have images of  Frankenstein and lightening striking in the background, let me tone down the dramatic flair I've got going on here.  It seemed overwhelming at first but I worked out a routine and it was pretty much easy sailing! It actually became enjoyable quiet "me time" as crazy as that sounds!
  If you are going to use it for more than the occasional break, GET A DOUBLE ELECTRIC PUMP!  Way faster and more efficient! If you are going to be pumping at work, be loud and proud!  I am pretty sure that 75% of the employees at my job knew that I had to pump. I had to tell the chef or sous chef where I was going and a line cook or dishwasher needed to know that they might have to plate desserts.  The servers had to know so their dessert orders weren't forgotten. The day shift and evening shift at the front desk knew. They would have to block off the room I was using so they didn't give it away to a guest ( YIKES!) Some housekeeping knew because they would have to double check the rooms after I was done. Sometimes the painters had to know so they didn't decide to touch up a room that I was in.  All of this made it practically public knowledge and I didn't get all tense thinking someone would stumble upon me and have a heart attack! It also made me so comfortable about it. People asked me questions it all the time ( hence the title) and it made pumping no a big deal.  It's too much work to keep it a secret!
Several people have asked me for tips so I figured that I would just list them as they came to me:
* Buy extra membranes (those little flappy things that cover the holes) I had one go down the drain. They also wear out and tear. A tear equal less suction and less milk. Nooooooooooooooo!
* Keep some hand sanitizer with you. It makes it easier to keep your hands clean without having to run back and forth to the bathroom over and over again
* Always pack more than enough bottles. One side might have gotten neglected last time your baby ate and it could be overflowing!
* Lock the doors, check to make sure they are locked, double check, go back one more time and maybe put a chair against it. It's really not that bad and the world won't end if someone sees ( I accidentally flashed a guy in the car next to us on the way to a Wiggles concert while pumping) but you will be less tense and that helps you pump more milk 
*Get everything situated around you first! There is nothing worse than starting to pump and realizing your phone or remote is across the room! That makes for a super boring 10 minutes!
* Take a deep breath, relax and look at photos or videos of your baby. Tension makes your boobs freeze up and thinking about your baby gets your brain to signal to your boobs (or something like that)
*Once you're situated and everything is working properly, don't look down! Stop constantly checking to see how much you are pumping! You will stress yourself out! And the girls probably don't want you to see them this way :)
* Stress is not good for milk production. Okay, and neither is stressing about stressing. This is way I am a crazy person! But try to be calm! No matter what days I worked, whenever I did 3 in a row, I always pumped less on the 2nd day. I was more stressed that day. First day is not so bad, you get out of the house. Third day you are in the home stretch. The middle day, I was tired and stressed about facing another day!
* Pump for at least ten minutes! Milk might stop flowing after several minutes. DO NOT TURN IT OFF! You have a second let down of milk. There is even a button you can push to encourage it to start. (Someone figured out about the different types of sucking that happens to get milk to let down and  the type when the baby is eating and recreated it with the pump. Hate to have that job!)
*After the second let down is over, still keeping pumping for a minute or two. Pumps are never as efficient as babies and this encourages your boobs to keep producing
*Pump when the baby would normally be eating so you don't mess up the whole supply/demand thing. I was crazy about it with Syd, but the second time I took a chill pill and didn't panic if I was 20 minutes behind schedule. The world didn't end
* Water, water, water! Make sure you are drinking enough water! Also if you feel your supply dip, eat oatmeal! There is also tea you can drink. Gross, but works wonders!
* If you have a baby shark and he/she breaks through the skin, you can put a little waterproof  medical tape over the wound AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T BLOCK A DUCT! Blocked ducts lead to some horrific stuff! You can also put ointment on it after your pump. It's wiped off by the time you pump again
*According to the lactation consultant I talked to, a little bit of blood is okay. The baby might spit it up and it will look like coffee grinds.  If you've got what looks like strawberry milk with extra strawberry powder, toss it out and then cry a little;)
* Final warning! If you are pumping and a bat flies into the room. Just stop! Don't try to cover yourself with a near by blanket! It doesn't help! Don't be an idiot! The terror will make you dry up like the sierra desert!  It would also be a good thing to make sure your nursing tank is back in place before you crawl to the door with a blanket over your head and then hold the front door open. Or so I've heard! Nothing like that would happen to me!