It's finally Funny

  I wanted to blog about this for a while, but I wanted to wait until we weathered the storm and I could look back on it and laugh instead of sob and rock back and forth in a corner.  I was convinced that this blog would never happen, but the other week, Nathan said the most wonderful words that I have ever heard:

                              "mom, I peed on potty at school and I tried to poop too,"

It was like music to my ears! There was much rejoicing! You're probably a little confused and possibly scared so let's start from the beginning when preschool nearly killed me.....


    ALL summer I stressed about Kindergarten! New school! New procedures! New friends! New Schedule! Will Syd be okay? Will I be okay?  I know practically nothing about what to expect, but I better not give that away! I could freak Syd out! SO MUCH INNER TURMOIL!! Thank goodness for preschool! It's going to be a piece of cake! PIECE. OF. CAKE! I know exactly what to expect! I know the drill! I know the teachers! Nathan knows the drill! He even cried when we dropped off the registerstration papers because he wanted to start school that day! Preschool is gonna be so easy!!
    WHEN WILL I LEARN!?! WHY AM I SO STUPID!?! I should know by now that I am always wrong! You all probably figured it out like 10 blog posts ago!
       After two years of trying to sneak into Sydney's class, I was surprised that Nathan didn't want me to leave him. Fortunately, some play tools made everything better. I could relax. It was going to be okay (HA! I'm such an idiot!) Sydney and I went off to enjoy the rest of our morning. We were coloring and having a blast when I got a call from Nathan's school.

"Hello, Mrs. Ford? Nathan is fine but his teacher asked me to give you a call. He had a little accident and his shoes got soaked too. He's running around in his socks, but if you want you can drop off shoes, I can take them to his class."

  Whaaat!?! Syd and I hopped in the car and flew to the school to deliver his shoes. Then I eventually calmed down and stopped worrying about the long term effects of an embarrassing first day of school. We hung out at a near by park until it was pick up time.  The calm feeling did not last.
     Nathan was close to the beginning of the line, but dismissed last. His teacher motioned for me to come closer and that's when I saw his wet pair of back up shorts:( He peed himself AGAIN on the playground right before they came inside to leave. I stripped him down, put him in his seat, and silently let the tears fall.
    I called my mom and cried. I called my sister and cried. I cried as I messaged my friend who also teaches at his preschool.  Full failure mom panic mode seemed like the only way to go after the terrible first first day of school. Have I ruined his life? Will I have to pull him out of preschool? Am I the worst parent ever? They'll never believe that he is potty trained? Will I have to homeschool him and let him pee outside like an animal? Am I the worst mother ever?
    We spent the next day talking up how great the school potty was. Poor Sydney had to go on and on about how much she loved peeing on the potty at school. I promised him candy. My mom promised him candy from her office. I vowed to feed him dry cereal for breakfast from now on.
    The second day of school, he peed himself. And the next day. And the next. The first 2 months of school, he peed himself at least once a week and he only has school TWO DAYS a week! Syd and I would wait in the parking lot right before pick up and stalk the play ground. Which pair of pants is he wearing? What color did he wear this morning? Are they the same? I think they are the same. Are they? ARE THEY???
      Eventually, I gave up trying to get him to go potty on his own at school and some how got him to pee as soon as we got there if I put him on the potty. There may have been some screaming and some forcing him to bend his angry locked body so he would sit down. Then one glorious day in March, he told his teacher that he had to go potty and that he needed some help. After he was done, he came to    the bathroom door with one shoe off and one leg of his pants off and his underwear all wrapped around his pants, but he finally peed in the potty at school!
    I think we still owe him about 1,000 toys from all our attempts to bribe him to go;)

Well, forget about that!

   It's that time of year again... Family newsletter time! And crazy as it seems, we actually had an interesting year! This was going to be an honest to goodness family update! Moving! New position at work for Stephen! Exciting Vacations! Kindergarten! Preschool! Fun surprise party for my sister! I went on an epic trip road with my mom and sister to hang out with super awesome people! We traded in the van for a smaller car... I was gonna make a joke about how it was fueled with the tears of our parents because it was a clear sign that we are done having kids! Funny, right??? This all sounds good, so why no letter?? Well, Christmas happened!!
    My sister and brother done stole the show! The only thing that will be remembered is Christmas 2015! My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (3 weeks early) on Christmas Eve (also my mom's birthday) and my brother proposed to his girlfriend!
    Well, what's the problem? Why the "forget that" attitude.  Think about it! My siblings got my parents PEOPLE for Christmas! A new granddaughter and daughter in law!! Do you know what I got my parents? DO. YOU. KNOW?!? A..... wait for it...... SPICE RACK!! Let that simmer for a second! People....... Spice Rack.....PEOPLE.... Spiiiiice Raaack! It super adjustable to fit any cabinet but still can not compete!
      And it would be one thing if the evil siblings had just gifted the parents with regular people.... But, NO! They gifted them with extra special people! The new grand baby is gorgeous, just like her siblings. Couldn't have given them a typical newborn with a red, squishy face? Nope! Absolute perfection! Probably should have every moment of her life photographed and I believe they are totally on that already. Snuggling a spice rack just won't give you those warm fuzzy feelings. Baby Kalia is also super smart! She was just chilling in my sister's belly and heard that the Grandy thing was often associated with words like "Yes" and "tic tacs" and "presents" and "backwards dinners!" My genius niece decided that it was in her best interest to arrive early and give her herself a little extra something to earn her Grandy's adoration!
      And speaking of brains and beauty, my brother had to pick another extra special female to join our family! She's amazing and fun and loves the beach as much if not even more than our family and we take our beach vacations SERIOUSLY! She literally and figuratively adds a dash of color to our pasty white OBX family photos! The grand kids adore her and we know Grandy and Pop-Pop's world revolve around the grand kids [see above paragraph] But wait! There's more! JEN RIDES AND TRAINS HORSES! As soon as she changes her last name, the family coolness level is going to sky rocket to levels never even dreamed possible!! More perfection! (and she doesn't mind hanging out with all of us!?! how is that possible??)
      That spice rack could have been made of GOLD and done all the cooking and still would come no where near the awesomeness of adding these two ladies to the family!! Spice rack! yuck!!( And I mean that kinda literally because I got a nasty case of strep throat for Christmas and was still recovering while I set it up! Flavoring dinner could result in trouble swallowing and sore throat)

     What? I need an attitude adjustment? Time out? I should be happy?

TIME OUT! AH-HA Moment! There's still time! I can earn back the number one child spot before New Years!

*buys lottery tickets*
*emails Oprah and Ellen*
*enters "I love Mom butt cheek tattoo designs" into google search*

JUST KIDDING! TOTALLY SUPER EXCITED ABOUT EVERYTHING!! I often struggle with the guilt of being the oldest child who shines so ridiculously bright! It's good to see my siblings getting a little chance to shine:)

PS this is what happens when I am trapped at home and required to rest!

That Grandparent Thing

    My kids have 4 doting Grandparents who live in the area. They see the kids at least once a week, but each time it's like they spent a month wandering in the desert and the kids are an extra large bottle of water. And Heaven forbid they go longer than a week in between visits, they are a like a bunch of twitching addicts looking for a fix. I think that I have got this whole grandparent thing figured out.  This extreme love is from  joy of an answered prayer. No, not a loving prayer about their children's future.  I'm talking about the Parent's prayer of serenity. That prayer that is said when the kids have you wanting to pull your rapidly greying hair out and you can feel an ulcer forming. You feel like you are about to lose it so you utter:

Lord, give me Strength!

And please let them have a kid who is exactly like them one day!!

  I have come to the conclusion that things aren't exactly what they seem in the hospital room when they first lay eyes on that precious bundle of joy! They are definitely giving the baby a once over to see which parts look like their son or daughter.... But there are parts of their exclamations that are left unsaid!

Oh look, he has your eyes! Bet they will never be able to see their backpacks or shoes before school

Her mouth looks just like her mom's! Bring on the back talk

Awwww! Definitely Daddy's ears! Definitely gonna have selective hearing! Bwahahaha!

    How did I come up with this theory? I had a whole lot of time to think about it as I spent many, many, many, many, many, many, many hours swimming in the pool with the kids and spent many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many hours trying to calm my nerves after each and every struggle to get my little fish out of the pool.  What does that have to do with anything? Well, I was quite the little fish when I was a kid. I was never too cold and could swim for hours. I now get to experience their pain and suffering x2!! I see that smirk on my parents' faces each time the kids beg me to go in the pool and they get to sit back and relax! NOT COOL!

    Another "Ah ha, oh crap" moment happened when we took the kids to the boardwalk. I was feeling so nostalgic and super excited for the kids to experience the place that held so many fond memories. It was the WORST! There were people EVERYWHERE and trying to keep track of the kids was super stressful! Then there was all crappy toys that cost a billion dollars and break after a week.  To the kids, they are the most amazing toys in the history of amazing toys!! Can we get it, Mom? Please? Please? Why can't we get it? Please!?! It's too expensive? But I want it so much! That awesome mermaid that Sydney got.... It had 2 right arms and broke before vacation was even over! I texted my mom and told her that the boardwalk was not so much fun as an adult. She felt so vindicated because I finally understood all the pain and suffering we put them through at the shore!
     They raised us so I guess they deserve the chance to gloat when our kids pull some of the stunts we pulled on them. We just gotta endure until we reach the promised land of no rules, backwards dinners (frozen yogurt store and then dinner), prize drawers, giving in to temptation to buy just one more thing for them, and laughing when you shouldn't because your grandbabies do no wrong!

Back to School *cheers* *sobs* *rejoices* *prays for time to slow down*

This is what it's like in my brain during the last week of summer!!
 (I know, it's a scary place!)

WILL SUMMER EVER END??
Nooooooooo!!! Summer can't be almost over!

Seriously, each day feels like an eternity! Is time moving backwards? Did somebody hit the pause button?
Seriously, where does the time go? The weeks are flying by!

WE. NEED. A. ROUTINE!
OH NO! Not a routine again! NO! NO! NO! 

When will my day come? When will I be able to sit by the pool and read? They will be little forever! How much longer until they can be trusted to apply their own sunblock?
I blinked and my little babies turned into a kindergartner and preschooler! I might as well start planning Sydney's high school graduation party now! She is going to an Elementary school. I am gonna blink again and we will be looking at Colleges! THERE IS NO TIME LEFT! SHE'LL BE MOVING OUT AND I'LL BE LOST! MY BABY! I CAN'T HANDLE IT! STOP GROWING!

But who will stop and count the lobsters with me at the grocery store?
Praise the Lord! I can grocery shop without them! We will starve during Christmas break and next summer because I am never ever going shopping with them again! For real! I can't take it anymore!

I'm so sad! They are going to be so heartbroken when they are apart. They are best friends and need to play with each other!
I can not wait for them to be at separate schools at different times of the day! Way too much togetherness and refereeing fights!

But we have so much left to do!
I am so done entertaining! I don't want to go anywhere else! Playground tour 2015 is wrapping up!!

I can't deal with my babies being away from me. Is it too late to switch to homeschooling so that I...... What are you doing? No hitting! No, I don't care who started it. We don't hit! Nathan, no, we do not lick faces either! Be nice to each other! You need to share. Share! I said SHARE..... wait, what was I doing? Oh that's right! Googling boarding schools in the area!


 

Post Vacation Apocalypse

    We got back from vacation last Sunday so that meant all sorts of pain and suffering for Mommy this week! It happens every year and always ends the same. By Friday, Mommy most definitely needs a vacation, but she NEVER  EVER wants to get in the car with children again. The only sensible option is to put the TV on for the kids and then hide under the covers while cradling a giant bag of candy in your arms and whisper sweet nothings to it until it's all gone. (and you have licked all the chocolate dust in the corners)
     In case you don't have kids or you have older children and have completely blocked all this out, let me explain what vacations means for kids:

       ALL THE  FUN ALL THE TIME
       Bedtime.. What's that?
       Mom and Dad 24/7 for entertainment and if you are lucky enough grandparents, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins
       Rules about sugar and treats... vaguely remember those
       Adventures galore
       Sleep is for the weak!Just GO! GO! GO!

And now for the Apocalypse:

        NOTHING MEETS THE NEW STANDARDS SET FOR FUN
        Exhaustion because they used up their last little bit of energy asking "are we home yet? and saying "It's taking a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time"  1,463 times each
       Massive sugar withdraw because when the healthy snacks (used to prevent all the asking) ran out, we resorted to gummy sharks to keep their mouths busy and quiet
        The dream team of entertainers has be disbanded and only left with lame old Mom who has the nerve to try and accomplish things like put laundry away instead of play 24/7
         Bedtime... It's the worst
         Daily routine.... Also the worst!

  The only solution to the misery that their lives have become is to cry! There are too many examples to count. I'm so tired! I can find the energy to share a few highlights though.
   Stephen went back to work which apparently was a real slap in the face for the kids. How dare he return to work!?!  Nathan was grumpy as can be and wouldn't say goodbye. Then 30 seconds later, he cried and cried because Daddy left without doing the high five routine. Stephen heard the crying and came back downstairs and Nathan wouldn't make eye contact or move his hand.Eventually, Stephen had to give up and left. This resulted in Nathan running upstairs,watching Stephen pull away, and then throwing himself on the floor crying. Lucky Me!
   A few days ago, Nathan got a cut on his big toe. I don't know what exactly happened after because I walked away for a second, but I think there was a great disagreement over who would put the band aid on. Nathan wanted to be independent and Syd wanted to be the loving older sister. Some how the one end of the band got stuck to itself. I came back to screaming and crying. The world had ended and there was no reason to go on! The frustration level was so great that feet were stomping and arms flailing.  They ended up a pile of tears and agony on my lap on the floor in the hallway.
   And because Mommy is the worst too, we had to go to the grocery store! How dare I suggest such a terrible, terrible thing!?!  Ever the clever one, Sydney remembered that I was working that night and came up with a solution.... I could just go to the grocery store after work. I told her I could but that meant that they would have to wait until the next day to drink more milk because we were out. They lost their minds! How does one decide between the two worst possible situations ever????  Did I know what a cruel person I was? Get in the car and go to the grocery store or live the rest of the day with no milk? What kind of options are those? Being the milk addicts that they are, they settled on going to the grocery store.
    As the days went on and we included extra down time, life slowly got back to normal. The emotionally unstable little zombies disappeared and my babies were back. Please don't ask me about any future vacations yet, the eye twitch might come back;)

The check out gets me every time

    Grocery shopping with children is not for the weak.  The goal is always to leave with just a little bit of my dignity intact.  I think that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening at the exact moment I win the lottery and I don't even play the lottery.
     I never stop chasing the rainbow to get the pot of gold though. First, it's starts with making a list. I don't mean to brag (I really, really do) but I am ridiculously AWESOME at planning a trip to the grocery store! I check the flyer ahead of time. I know all the deals and match them up with all the coupons! I know all the aisles like the back of my hand or the inside of the freezer at 9am when I am eating some ice cream and don't want the kids to know (what? it's kids' bedtime somewhere!) The holy grail of shopping experiences should be within my reach, right? RIGHT????
     It begins before we enter the building and I am not even talking about the stuffed animal negotiations. I have accepted that fact that we will always have several stuffed animals with us. I'm talking about cart selection. I always end up with the messed up cart and it behaves it's self until after I get the kids all set and several things in my cart. Then all hell breaks loose and it rattles and shakes. You're trying to go left and the demon possessing it says it can only go straight or right ( and one wheel will spin in the opposite direction at all times!)  You must answer one of life's toughest questions... Either unload and start over with a new cart or be that person squeaking all around the store! I always go with squeaking! Better to have everyone staring at me than 2 kids melting down because my time ran out.  And there is always a time limit, my friend! The set time might be different for each kid, but if you exceed that time, there will be a horrific transformation before your eyes. Your precious angel will become THAT KID in grocery store (make sure you say "that kid" with the same disgusted look a non parent parenting expert has as they reign judgement down on you!)
     After much squeaking and near miss of displays stands, you somehow you make it through the store still holding onto a shred of dignity. You need to reapply deodorant and you probably forgot a few things because you were moving so fast, but hey, that just means you saved some money. Probably feeling a little proud that you made it through with only a couple "come here, please! Come here! Please. Come. Here! GET OVER HERE NOW!" and a few "because I said no!" This is the part where things get real.
     If picking the worst lane was an Olympic sport, I'd win the gold medal every time! I weigh my options so carefully! I inventory each conveyor belt. I observe which lanes have baggers. I consider my gut instinct and then think about the opposite choice because my gut I'd always wrong. Then I go with neither of those choices because even the opposite of my gut instinct is wrong.  I eventually settle and brace myself because the check out gets me EVERY TIME! I can't list all of the problems, but here are a few that will stay with me forever, no matter how much therapy or banging my head against the steering wheel I try.

Eyelashes 101 

     I can't remember exactly how old Nathan was, but he was still at the age where he was sitting in the seat in the cart and not in the nifty car part in the front that the Devil had to have designed. The little daredevil figured out how to get his legs out, stand up, and jump towards me as I was pushing the cart. Yeah, I don't know why I don't have a ton of grey hair either! We made it to the check out and were patiently trying to wait. Nathan kept leaping for me because he was DONE! It was taking forever! The cashier was chatting away as she SLOWLY rung up the food of the person in front of me.  She was telling the woman all about her fake eyelashes... like discussing every possible detail! Finally, it was our turn and I had to hold my restless toddler and with one hand, grab the food, coupons, and store card. With all the trying to keep Nathan alive, I forgot to grab one of the coupon items. Ms. Eyelashes very slowly explained to me that I should only give them coupons for food that I'm actually buying. It slows the cashiers down when they have to look for things you don't actually have.  I gave her a look but those fake eyelashes must have been too thick for her to see... I just sighed and walked away letting her think that I was a complete idiot.

Shiny Objects 

     Is it just me or do the check out aisles need to be at least a foot wider!?! There is absolutely zero room and it's near impossible to see what your child is doing while sitting in the front.  I made the mistake of sitting little Nathan on the right side, where he had easy access to all the candy.  He didn't know that it was candy at the time but they sure looked interesting with their shiny wrappers. In the time it took me to take the groceries out of the cart, the kid had 6 candy bars and 2 bags of skittles in his lap, and another bag of skittles dangling from his mouth. I discretely shoved the candy bars back in place with no problem. The little animal managed to open one bag of skittles with his teeth.  I had to buy it. I hid it amongst the other groceries, hoping the clerk wouldn't pay attention when she scanned it.  I was so close to sneaking out with a little bit of dignity, but I made one fatal mistake, I forgot to wipe up the toddler slobber.  I guess I am so used to it that I didn't even notice. She, on the other hand, was NOT! Her face was priceless and my face, oh so apologetic.

Carnival Games

     The aisles at this particular grocery store were really small.  The cart was parked just past the candy but still away from the end of the aisle. It was perfect! No stealing candy and no exiting the vehicle!  Or not! Always willing to raise to the challenge, Nathan figured out how to lean forward and arch his back so he could pop out of the "windshield" part of the car.  Every time he popped up, I gently shoved his head back in.  This continued the whole time I unloaded the groceries.  It was like a really embarrassing game of Whack a Mole where you get pit stains in the end instead of prize tickets!



 I could keep going with more examples but this sucker is getting really long and I need to make a list for the grocery store... Maybe this time will be the time it all goes smoothly! HA!

Dear Nathan

Dear Nathan,
  
     I just ate your candy and I'm not even sorry at all! You made me do it! We just had that conversation AGAIN! It happens about every other day and it always goes something like this:

Nathan: Do yous got a baby in your belly?
Me: No, only Aunt Kristen and Kerri have babies in their bellies
Nathan: You DO have a baby in your belly
Me: No, I don't
Nathan: You wook like you dos! See? *points at my stomach*
Me: *puts down the brownie*
        *stares at workout clothes*
        * picks up the brownie*
        *puts down the brownie*
        * contemplates buying 21 day fix extreme*
         * eats two brownies*

    And yes, Mommy knows that you are just obsessed because you have a new cousin on the way and your best buddy is going to be a big brother. I could probably have six pack abs (and pigs would fly) and you would still ask me, but dude, in the words of Sydney, SERIOUSLY!?!
   You are probably thinking that all of the above does not seem like reason enough to steal your candy, and you are right. That was just the icing on the cake. Oh wait, I shouldn't use that saying! It's too gross! Here is a little story that I will sharing at your wedding:

    It was just a typical summer afternoon and you and your sister wanted to swim.  We ran out of swim diapers, but you are supposed to be potty trained for preschool so I thought we would be fine.  Everyone tells me that letting you pee outside is the key to training boys ( I should probably find all of them and steal their candy too!) I told you not to pee in the pool and to pee in the grass. (Yes, just like Uncle DJ's dog.)  We went outside and you took off your bathing suit and started running around. You do that a lot so I wasn't worried.  Then you proudly announced that you pooped outside like a dog. YOU POOPED OUTSIDE LIKE A DOG! But clearly not a well behaved dog because you pooped on the patio! I.... did you....how come..... WHYYYYYY???? What goes on in that little brain of yours? Even as I type this, you found a boogie on your cheek and put it on my cheek! Again, WHHHHHYYYYYYY???
    All that's left to say is I love you, my strange little man. I CAN NOT wait until you have children! I will buy you a candy of the month club subscription because you are definitely gonna need it!!

love,
your mommy who must go sanitize her cheek... thanks again for that gift!