There are no words!

It was just a typical night of playing with Barbies with Sydney.  I was playing the Mommy and the Daddy (anyone else find the version of Ken disturbing!?!) and things got a little weird. It's left me speechless!! She told the mommy barbie that Cinderella was very sick and needed to go to the hospital.  Syd was so adorable! They were sitting in the waiting room and she played the nurse. She had the nurse come,just like the nurses at the doctors office, and gently led Mommy Barbie and Cinderella down a long hall to a room. Then she played Doctor Barbie and asked "How is my patient today?" "How is she feeling?" How old is the patient?" Then she tells Mommy Barbie "I am not sure if she is really sick or if something is just stuck in her butt?" SAY WHAT? "Oh yes, here you go sweetie, you had a pretzel stick in your hiney."  WHERE DOES SHE GET THIS STUFF!!!!!  What in the world? I know she didn't see anything like that on Cat in the Hat or Ready, Steady Wiggles.  While we do have a book that makes all different animal fart sounds, we do not have about strange GI cases in the ER!!!  Is she hanging out in a doctors' lounge in the middle of the night?

Vacation daydreaming

I HATE WINTER!! I am so over the snow!  I am sitting inside, growling at the piles of white evil keeping me and my kids trapped inside. I have already begun counting the days left until vacation.  The only way to make it through the chilliness is to dream about the beach and sun. I can't seem to block out the trip home from vacation though.  I try, oh how I try to block it from my memory!  I don't know why, maybe it's the mountains of laundry waiting for me, lack of sleep, too much fun in the sun, or sand stuck in every crack and crevice, but I seem to be a slightly tanned shell of my former self. It's hard to explain. Let me paint you a picture of the trip down and the trip back.


Outer Banks or Bust:
     While I am not a type A mama, I am like a possessed woman who finds way too much joy packing.  I write lists weeks in advance and plan everyone's wardrobes and start setting aside clothes as they show up in the laundry.  It's sick and twisted, I know, there is nothing better than a well packed suitcase in a well packed car!  Speaking of packed cars.  I have a bag of toys perfect for traveling set in between the car seats near the diaper bag stuffed with extra absorbant nighttime diapers (never know if you will be stuck in traffic and can't change their little bums!) And I am so freaking clever and awesome at saving space, I take one of their beach pails and fill it with snacks and those healthy and disgusting juice boxes for kids.  Oh and did I mention that one of those snacks is POUCHES OF ORGANIC GREEK YOGURT! Wait! Wait! Wait! Stop and let that soak in for a moment. Pouches as in travel friendly! Organic as in superior healthiness and a little snobby! Greek yogurt as in double the protein so my brillant little babies to grow big and strong.  Those suckers were on sale too! What? Me, mom of the year? A parade in my honor? I'm so embarrassed and modest to agree, but I am too nice to say no!  Okay, back to traveling.  The DVD players are ready to go for emergancy, certainly not the whole trip! That would rot their brains!  Who's crying? Oh sweetie, it's okay. Here, have a new toy from my conviently placed bag of toys. Don't like that one? We don't throw! Here how about this one? Don't have a meltdown! Mommy is here to entertain you!

Home or Heaven (somebody kill me now!):
       Crap! We are leaving tomorrow! Let me sweep through our room and shove everything into the suitcases. Do we have everything? I hope so cause we are just gonna have to learn to live without, if not! Everything is stuffed into the car. Somebody turn on those DVD players! The kids aren't even in the car yet? I don't care! Get them fired up! Mama needs a break!  You're hungry!?! Shoot, I really hope that there are some gold fish buried in the bottom of the diaper bag! I think Nathan spilled some in there at Church a couple of months ago. Can you have some candy? No, it's still morning! After 5 minutes and hearing "Are we there yet?" 25 times, I hand over the candy and tell them to chew slowly!! Don't judge! They can't tell time! Oh, you need a toy, I have NO idea where the bag is! Take this awesome empty water bottle!  Are the kids having meltdowns? Probably, but I've gone to my happy place. I am back at the beach only someone is rubbing sun block on my back instead of me pinning the kids down and reapplying as they wiggle away. I am also being fed fruit that i didn't have to cut up and force distracted kids to eat. Yes, of course I am talking about my husband! Who else would I be talking about? You are a sick freak! I was definitely not talking one of the Wiggles, some of whom would have the free time since they are retired.  What is wrong with you? Man, you have issues! Back to the subject! You can only day dream for so long when the screaming starts to get to you. Nathan's picking his nose! That's............. Awesome!!That will give us at least 5 minutes of silence!

Oh, you are gonna cancel the parade in my honor. Yeah, that's probably for the best. I am pretty sure I was busy that day anyways.

Warm and Fuzzy moments

You know those warm and fuzzy moments when your precious children do and/or say something that melts your heart? It leaves you feeling all warm and gooey inside like a chocolate chip cookie straight from the oven? If you painted a picture of your family in that moment, everyone would walk by it and smile.  We have moments like that, only there is a few egg shells in the cookies and someone didn't quite draw in the lines.


Post bath snuggle:
   Both kids had finished their baths and were all wrapped up in  fuzzy towels to dry off.  They snuggled next to each other on my lap as they dried off.  And no surprise here, we were watching a Wiggles clip on You Tube.  They were sitting so nicely. Nathan saw something funny and pointed it out to Syd. Then he looked over at her with total adoration and huge cheesy grin.  I sighed and thought what a perfect moment. Wait a sec! What? Why is my leg getting warm? NOOOOOO!!!! Nathan peed on me!!


Hanging out before bed:
  We've all been hanging out and giggling as we played with a silly phone app.  It repeated back everything we said in a squeaky voice, even Nathan's hysterical gibberish.  Usually one kid climbs on me and then the other has to follow.  Nathan ran off to climb something and my little buddy Sydney leans her head on my shoulder.  She's drinking her milk and talking with me.  I just love to watch the expressions on her face and what she has to say. She's just so sweet I can't stand it. As I watch her with such adoration, she knocks over her milk and drenches the second pair of pants I put on that day and the couch. Thank goodness my socks were freakishly absorbent otherwise we would have been smelling sour milk in cracks and crevices of the couch.

Stocking stuffers gone wrong:
     I was folding blankets and Nathan was fanning me with this little fan that was attached to some candy.  He was cracking himself up!  He fanned my nose! He fanned my eyes! This was some serious funny stuff!  I'm was smiling and loving the belly laughs and WHAM!!

yup, he decided to fan my hair

good thing I have a lot a hair

Now mom, I know you are reading this and worrying if I am mad at you for buying the fans and pulling out your cell phone as we speak. Relax! I am not mad! It didn't hurt and it was funny.  Now I expect that you are contemplating texting to ask if you annoy me when you check to make sure I am not mad about something :) Man, I know you so well!

Christmas Gifts with a Purpose

  After a wonderful Christmas, I was left with the task of unpacking all the treasures and finding them a new home.  As I was sorting my stuff, I noticed something I had overlooked in the chaos of wrapping paper flying and kiddos trying to sneak candy.  There was something fishy going on here. I got 2 very different pairs of pajamas! One from my sister in law and one from my In laws.  The average person would have missed the hidden messages, but lucky for you, I am no where near average!!

I'm in college and I work full time, I don't have the time or money to shop for anymore nieces or nephews, so don't even think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I REALLY love having grand kids! The More the merrier!

Okay, this is all in good fun! My brain is just always looking for a funny, blog worthy angle.  I know my sister in law was definitely not thinking anything when she purchased them. In fact, I bet that while she read this, she probably threw up in her mouth a little.  Ewwww! Thank goodness that I know for a fact that my niece and nephew floated down from Heaven on a cloud :) As for my in-laws, the claim was that it was a robe to replace the old one (See blog entry : Farewell Old Friend). I did describe the old one as huge, fuzzy, and unattractive and something to keep me warm when I didn't shave my legs.  This doesn't scream warm and cozy and it definitely requires shaving your legs ;)

Nice try but a winning lottery ticket and maid would have worked better! Lol!

Abnormal Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas from the Fords!


   Dear Friends and family,

        After looking at all your wonderful Christmas cards and reading about all your awesome year end summaries, we figured we would try to feel a bit better about ourselves by bragging to those near and dear to our heart.  So let's dive right in.

Stephen and Jamie: We had a pretty exciting year. We ummm...... We accomplished a...... Well..... we found a better trash company. Saving a few dollars, always good! We have lived in our house for a little over 6 yrs and it shows! A lot of dust and cobwebs can collect and a lot of paint can chip off in 6 yrs. We each had another successful stagnant year at our jobs.  They pay just enough of the bills to almost balance out the soul crushing effect of the daily grind.  Speaking of soul crushing, I am pretty sure that I have finally worn down and broken Stephen's spirit.  He just doesn't have it in him to fight my crazy schemes anymore.  Case in point, I hosted a dozen kids play with about 10 gallons of jello on a tarp in the living room.  Only a broken man would let his wife do that.  Oh, how could I forget we both turned the big 3-0!  Stephen opted for a small, quiet celebration, while I faked not wanting to be the center of attention and lapped up every bit of focus on me.  Stephen is aging like fine wine, but most days I feel like I am aging like one of France's  other specialties..... Cheese!  I'm like that one type of cheese on the cheese plate that is pretty scary.  It's aged and it shows. It's an acquired taste and rather sharp.  You kinda have to close your eyes and give yourself a pep talk to get near it.  Stephen would argue that it's not true, but this year he found out he was long over due for glasses. I rest my case!

Jello Insanity

Sydney: Finally using the potty! As you all know, she got to go on stage with the Wiggles.  She continues to play with imaginary wiggles.  I think my obsession is having a negative effect on her, but I have not come to a place where I can make changes. I need to hit rock bottom ( not sure what rock bottom of a Wiggles obsession looks like but I am guessing there is probably a one way ticket to Australia or a tattoo of Anthony on a bum cheek involved)  Anyway, back to Syd! She started preschool this year and is perfecting her tattle tail skills and making sure everything is fair and equal, unless it involves her getting more than others.  She is extremely smart and I am sure she would have been a child prodigy, if not for the vast amounts of  TV we let her watch.

Nathan: He turned one in February and I'd say it's been all down hill from there, but it's more like up chairs, tables, kitchen islands, end tables, boxes, window sills, couches, toilets, stairs, and any other place a child should not go.  He is also very smart and saying new words every day ( his new catch phase is "Hey, that's pretty cool") which is even more surprising than Syd because she had millions of hours of us reading  to combat all the tv watching.  I forgot to read to him for most of the first year of his life.  He got to spend lots of this this year plotting danger schemes with his cousin Micah.  It's amazing that they have not been to the hospital many times.


We had a lovely vacation this year. We went to the Outer Banks and got sand in places God never intended sand to be as we tried to force our kids to love the ocean.  We went in the pool, then the beach, then the pool, then the beach, then the pool, then the beach, then the pool, then the beach, then the pool,then the beach, then the pool, and that was just the first day!  On the last day I was pretty sick and it was AWESOME! With all the adults around, I was able to hand off the kids and lay in bed and be sick like a MAN!  I napped and read all day. Sure, there were a couple moments during my illness, I wished for death, but overall, it was pretty awesome.  I plan on licking a few hospital elevator buttons before our next vacation.  That way I can get sick and relax in the beginning of the vacation and, fingers crossed, look better in my bathing suits by the end of the week!

Stephen also accidently brought the spawn of Satan home for our children.  It's not his fault, it was disguised as the most adorable kitten you have ever seen!   While he does an impressive job of putting up with the kids extreme love, he lives to make me crazy!  He steals and eats waffles and cereal bars.  He bites and scratches and slams his head into door until he can wake the kids up.

I could go on and on, but I don't want to you feel bad about your inferior life! We hope 2014 is an awesome year for you and your family, but not too much better than yours!

love,
Jamie, Stephen, Syd, Nathan, and the teeny tiny Devil

Ps I am really not this self absorbed, but I know if I need to make myself the butt of my jokes or my family will kill me and use this blog to prove it was justified!

Although, clearly I must be pretty awesome to get my picture with Jeffrey Tambor

Got to be a part of my honorary sister Alyssa's wedding

Just in case you haven't heard

Sydney with her new cousin

When life hands you a pyscho cat........

Bust out the tarps and finger paints and get a little revenge!

  We were so clever, we put the Christmas tree in Syd's room so we could keep Nathan and Charlie out of trouble.  Yes, apparently we are dumber than you thought!  That poor tree didn't have a chance! Every time we went upstairs, Nathan rearranged the ornaments and used swift Ninja like movements to steal candy canes ( in case you were wondering, 4 yr old candy canes are edible, just a little chewy!) And Charlie just..... well take a look!

I don't recall hanging that furry ornament

Going

Going

Gone

 

 

 

 
What's a mom to do when an evil cat breaks the Christmas tree? Throw the cat out the window? Oh how I wish! Nope, make a tree that the little demon can't climb!  Here is the making of our unique tree:

4 poster boards, a big tarp, finger paint, some smelly feet

Paint the feet

Make foot print branches

Hmmm..... needs some decorations

Totally clueless to what's about to happen

You do the crime, you pay the time

Yup, I used the cat like a furry little stamp

That'll teach him to mess with the tree

Now to string up the lights

Don't laugh at it! It has personality

Just waiting to be surrounded by presents

 Disclaimer: No animals were really harmed in the making of this tree. I swear he didn't even hiss or spaz out!

Christmas Song Parody

  I have no musical talent so cut me some slack. It works in my head. Technically, this is not true because I did not clean out my van, more like looked at the mess and thought about it. But it's the thought that counts, right?

I'll just do the final run through

On the 12th hour of van cleaning this crazy mom did see,
    12 broken goldfish
    11 disgarded fall coats
    10 thrown toys
      9 candy wrappers
      8 Sunday school papers
      7 annoying CDs
      6 crumpled shopping lists
      5 flipping unmatched socks
      4 pairs of flip flops
      3 moldy sippy cups
      2 bags of trash
   And a potty seat for gas station rest stops!!!