BUT I WAS READY

   The day Sydney did the Race for Education was a embarrassing hot mess. ( Unfit Mother You can read about it here if you don't know, but please read it once and then NEVER again because I want you to forget asap!) I vowed that dreadful day that I would be ready for round two, Nathan's turn!
     Two years later and the time had finally come for me to redeem myself and be victorious. Yes! Yes! It's all about the kids and raising money for a great school! Yeah great, but I was gonna look fabulous "supporting" the school this year.
      I set out my outfit the night before. No baggy jeans! I bought those trendy wedgie inducing workout pants so I would fit in with the crowd. I layered my tops like a pro so that when I got heated from all the perfect running, I could remove layers and not look like a dweeb. The morning of the event I applied deodorant not once but TWICE!

I stretched like a real pro! I mean just look at that! 

Okay, so maybe I still need work! So awkward;)

   Nathan was also prepared with his Flash socks and super speed. Even though he was only 2 at the time, he remembered the tractor that starts the race (the photographer rides it to get shots as they start to run.) He was super excited about running after the tractor.
    I found myself a good spot on the sidelines so I could watch the first lap and then join in with the rest of the parents. Last time, I couldn't find Syd because she was running very fast. This time I looked a little ahead of his group. Well, Mr. Super Speed wasn't there. Then I looked for him near the other preschoolers. Huh? Nope, don't see him. Okay, maybe the group trailing behind?? Where the heck was he? Those Flash socks clearly weren't doing their thing because there he was..... the very last kid. Shoulders drooping and slowly shuffling his feet as he looked back and frowned. WHAT?!? You've got to be kidding me! This kid!
    I ran up to him and he said, "Where did the tractor go? I was gonna chase it?" In the words of Nathan, "Oh Poop!" The tractor was only on the track long enough to get the good shots and then it drove back to were it came from. Nathan could not recover from his disappointment and refused to run AT ALL. We were walking sooooo slowly that I could have walked backwards in a dress and 6 inch heels (and I never ever wear 6 inch heels!!) GRANDPARENTS were leaving us in the dust! He kept complaining that his leg was itchy, he had rocks in his shoe, there were weeds on the track, he wanted to be home, and he wished that the track was a rhombus and not an oval. And that was just the first lap! After the second lap, he was impressed with the 2 holes punched in his card and was ready to call it a day. I could not stop laughing at this situation. Finally, I bribed him with a doughnut hole for each lap he completed. It was enough to get him to walk around a little bit more, but not enough to run. In any other situation I would have been proud because running in the worst, but we need to prove ourselves ;)
      In an hour, we did 6 laps. I think that I burned enough calories to sniff a doughnut, but that's about it. I'm just going to mark this down as another example of my kids keeping me on my toes. I need to figure out when they have their secret meetings to plot against me so I can finally win and be a prepared parent at least once in my life.
    Well, now I'm off to see if I can rent a tractor for a day so Nathan and I can chase it and I can burn enough calories to eat those doughnuts I'm craving now!!

Living with my Parents was great

  For real! Yes, I'm not just saying that. Nope, I'm not speaking in code. Why are you winking at me? Ummmm... sure, we can "talk later" but I'll just tell you the same thing. Honestly! I swear! Am I crazy? Well yes, but that's beside the point! We lived with my parents for a year and a month, while we figured out where we wanted to live and waited for the right house. It wasn't terrible and we weren't trying to get the heck out of there before we lost our minds! Had it taken longer for the perfect house to go on the market, we would have been fine living there longer.
    Most of the time when we mention that we were staying at my parents' house, people looked stunned, horrified, confused, or full of pity. They could not comprehend or they thought that we must be in a pit of despair to be desperate enough to move in with my parents. Sure it's a little strange, but hey, we are a strange family.
   The plan always was to move into this school district before we had to start thinking about High school. But when I realized that Syd is Jamie 2.0, I knew I couldn't put her through switching school much less school districts. The race was on to get her into kindergarten, but we also wanted the right house for us. I'm not going through this moving nonsense again and again! We won't all make it out alive! My parents offered the perfect solution.
    Okay let me just explain the set up because people seem to envision a clown car situation.  The kids slept upstairs and Stephen and I slept in the in-law suite. The basement became our lair. We put our couches, tv, computer, and toys down there. Most evenings, the landlords watched their shows in their living room and we hung out in the basement (with the exception of Sydney would need to get some water or go to the bathroom or a snack or a stuffed animal was that in her room or to change her clothes and then never make it back downstairs!)
     Another thing that people tended to get wrong was meals. They pictured some 1950s family dinner with everyone gathered around to enjoy a well cooked meal and harmonize together in a little after dinner bonding time. First of all, dinner at my parents' house was NEVER like that. Our friends loved eating at our house because it was more like dinner and a show. Second of all, we are like the worst family to try and feed. I'm vegetarian and Stephen is the complete opposite. Syd only likes a handful of foods. Nathan is the least pickiest and probably the only one you want to come of to your house but then again he'll probably remove his pants half way through dinner. My mom and I pretty much each did our own thing for dinner. Sometimes one of us would make spaghetti noodles for a thousand people or I'd make an extra big pizza or french toast casserole. Every once and a while, I'd have a coupon for some animal flesh and I'd buy it and mom would cook it for the others. And the very best times were when one of us felt lazy and convinced the other that we should order Chinese food take out;)  What I miss the most is being able to buy vegetables on sale and not having to be the only one eating it! There is only so most cabbage or brussel sprouts a single person can eat in a week!
        I know that my parents were perfectly fine with the arrangement too, although they really did work their butts off to help us move! Everything was literally moved and unpacked in one weekend! My dad was drenched in sweat from hauling all the furniture and my mom happily jumped in and scrubbed all my pots and pans so we could eat here. Well, on second thought...... Just kidding! They busted their butts helping sell the old house and move into their house too. And I know they were sad to see us go even if my dad took so much joy in pointing out every single thing of ours that wasn't packed up yet!
         My only regret is that several years ago, I wrote up a contract for my brother, sister, and I about who had to do what when my parents got old. I created a point system and whoever had the most points had to take them in. One of the sections had a point for every year we lived at home after we first moved away and extra points were added for each person you brought with you. I think that I may have more points than my sister now :(
         My only real regret is that one time that the kids scratched the hardwood floor so, so bad and I hid it. I feel so terrible after all the things that they have done for us....


And cue my parents exploding in 3...2..1... Just kidding!!!(I bet all my relatives let out a gasp of horror!) Gotta cause some grey hairs from the other side of the bike trail;) Yep, we moved to a house that is close enough that we can walk to their house.

Beach Vacations with Kids! It gets BETTER!

   Or maybe I got smarter or the bag of candy we pack got bigger... Yea, you're right! Definitely gotta be the candy option. Me smarter? Not so much!

    I'd say that this summer's vacation was the best one yet. There was the typical "are we there yet?" on the way down and whining on the trip home (I really tried not to whine, but can you blame me?) But throughout the week, Stephen and I couldn't believe how much easier everything felt. My newest niece was the same age as Syd was on her first beach trip so it brought back a lot of nightmares... I mean memories. I remember vacations with babies and toddlers being SO EXHAUSTING!! You wind up returning as a zombie with sand in tragic places and the entire contents of your house jammed into your van, waiting to be returned to their proper place. You think that this is it. This is your life now. Why the heck didn't you appreciate your pre-kid vacations more?? Never going on vacation again! It'll never get better!
     But it does! Hang in there! The days of bringing little plates/bowls/utensils, sippy cups, pack and plays, high chairs, boppy, tons up toys, and all the back up outfits will end! One glorious day you will be able to head to the beach with one bag of the sunblock, towels, goggles,and snacks! They even carry their own water bottle and bucket!Miracles do happen!!
     Our days consisted of alternating between playing on the beach and swimming in the pool with small breaks for lunch or snacks. We had enough energy to volunteer to watch our niece and nephew at the pool too. One morning, I made all the kids truck and sunflower shaped pancakes! What the what!?! Crazy! I know!

   There are a few things that definitely helped:

* Divide and conquer! Nathan loves the sand and Syd is part fish so Stephen and I take turns with each.Take turns giving each other little breaks. That way no one tells the other that they really want to punch the other in the face.

*Vacation with family/close friends ( if they're not crazy or at least crazy but helpful) The kids had extra people to play with and toys to share. We had someone to keep an eye on the kids if we wanted to go for a walk on the beach at night. Date night is good for the sanity! Plus, if your vacation isn't so relaxing, you are still making lots of fun family memories. (But don't plan on everyone doing EVERYTHING together! Too many little routines to coordinate! And pushing cranky kids to do more...nobody wins!)

*Pack lots of candy. Candy is magical! Chocolate can decrease your chances of hurting people. The sugary stuff can give you that boost to play longer with your kids. Candy can encourage.kids to get out of the pool when your "I'm yelling at you on the inside because we are in public" crazy eyes don't work. Also silence can be cherry flavored when you hand your kids a lollipop in the car!! 

* Take your expectations and lower them and then lower them even more. Before we left, I was little crazy thinking about all the things that we needed to fit in one week. My friend thought that I was a little(a lot) nutty and helped me to chill out and remember that I was spending a week on the BEACH! I narrowed down my to do list to
1.Probably take some family photos on the beach only caring if I look good ;)
2. Have some sort of date with Stephen
3. Possibly go to one of the places to visit if we need a break from the beach
4. Work out a couple of mornings because CANDY
I was more relaxed! Photos got taken! We went out to eat once and saw the sand dunes. Everyone was happy and sandy.

* Dig a hole! Free Babysitting! My brother is the master hole digger on vacation. He carves out seats and makes different rooms and steps to walk in each section. The kids love hanging out in it! Sometimes there is a trench for the water to go through and make a pool! Be smart and safe though! And fill it up when you are done!

I hope this doesn't sounds like bragging! I just really wanted all my weary friends to have a glimmer of hope that one sweet day they won't feel like caffeinated death on the beach!

Remembering Mom-Mom

  It has been a couple of weeks since Mom-Mom passed away. I'm sure that she has been extremely busy in Heaven telling a brand new audience that she has two daughters but they are as different as night and day. Yes, all of Heaven probably knows the my mom was the quiet and uncoordinated one! I know that Mom-Mom must be spending hours and hours watching her great grand kids (and puppies) because this is her first chance to truly see them. I hope that in Heaven you never have to worry about peeing your pants because she will definitely be laughing that hard at all their crazy antics. And we can't forget that this is the first time that she has seen Michael Bolton without the mullet so there will be some time debating with or without. Once she has had her fill of watching the little ones and handsome singer, I'm sure she"ll notice the not as cute crowd and our lingering sadness.  I bet she would want to tell us "Listen, Presch (short for precious), don't cry! I'm where I always wanted to be!" And it's very true! I remember way back in middle school when she and I would go for walks. She would tell me not to "pray her back" if something happens. She was my ride, so I was clearly planning to ignore those wishes at the time, but I understood that she wanted to meet her brother, see her mom, and most importantly, be with Jesus!          Mom-Mom loved the Lord and had a very strong faith. I remember many a Sunday mornings, when she lived with us, when we were struggling to get ready for Sunday School. We would go into her apartment for extra mirror space or hair dryer use.  Mom-Mom was already dressed, had devotions, prayed, and watched at least one sermon as she drank her cup of Sanka. She was ALWAYS up for a ride to the local Christian book store for new books. We will treasure all those books filled with her hand written notes.
           She also loved to watch movies. I think that she would want us to think back on her life the same way she watched movies. Fast forward through the sad parts and watch the happy moments over and over again! So here are a few good parts.....

         Mom-Mom liked to laugh and this craziness ended with lots of laughter.  The rest of the family was away and it was just me and her at home.  I was working on a small wedding cake order for an anniversary party. I ALWAYS turn the oven on first and set the temperature before I start a project, so you can imagine my surprise when I went to put the pans in the oven and it was COLD. Immediately, I panicked and yelled for help because I didn't want my sponge cake to deflate! Mom-Mom jumped up, turned her oven on, and helped me recover from my freak out. I think we were watching a movie in her room when all of a sudden, we smelled something burning. Her small oven is like a blazing inferno, and despite setting it at a lower than normal temp, the very tops of the cakes were browning too fast. Cue more panic and more of Mom-Mom handling the crisis and my crazy! After the cakes cooled, we assessed the damage and decided that I could easily trim the top and the rest would be fine. And because I have super awesome luck, the people who asked me to make the cake called and said they were heading over to drop off a photo of the wedding cake I was supposed to copy. THE ENTIRE HOUSE SMELLED LIKE BURNT CAKE! That's the last thing you want your cake customers to smell. Mom-Mom hid the evidence and there was a tornado of windows opening and candles being lit. We laughed and laughed after they left and rejoiced that we survived the whole ordeal. I brought the cakes back over to our side of the house and walked out of the kitchen for a minute or two.  I walked back into the kitchen and screamed and dropped to the floor!! Mom-Mom rushed over and asked what happened and I couldn't even speak. I had gone to my crazy place and was doing the insane scary laughing thing. Missy, our stupid dog, had somehow climbed up and eaten half of the 9 inch cake and all that was left of the 6 inch was about 3 crumbs and the cardboard circle on the floor. Mom-Mom yelled, "Missy, what have you done? She's gonna kill you! Good Lord, Missy! Are you crazy?" Had I been by myself, I would have probably cried myself to sleep as I rocked back and forth in a corner. Mom-Mom helped me laugh and then shared her oil and flour with me so I could start again. She also kept Missy in her apartment but I'm not sure if she was helping me or the dog;)
      There was another time when Mom-Mom was definitely trying to protect the dog. As you can tell from the last story, Missy loved to eat things and that dog was not my best friend. The dog also liked to swallow socks and hair scrunchies whole. One day, I was going to do my laundry and I found one of my socks already in the washing machine and wet. Upon further inspection, I realized that the once white cow was now brown. Dear sweet Mom-Mom was worried that I would be upset with the dog for swallowing and puking up one of my cute socks so she rinsed it and planned to wash it before I saw it. I had to tell her that once a sock has been inside the dog, I really don't want it back. She can toss it and I won't be mad.  I'm still to this day unsure if I've actually worn socks that did a little time in Missy's stomach!?!
      Mom-Mom was a sweet, generous, animal loving lady, but she was also tough as nails. She had an amazingly high pain tolerance! I'll never forget when she broke her arm. She tripped over the curb and fell on her way to buy ice cream. She wouldn't have said anything to us, but she needed some ice because her wrist was a little sore. She seemed like she wasn't hurt too bad and was joking that it was a sign that she needed to cut back on the sweets, but when I took a closer look, I knew she was not fine!!! Her wrist was pointing up and her hand was pointing down! I told her we need to go to the ER right now, but she kept insisting that it wasn't that bad. We went back and forth for a while until DJ, the expert on having broken bones, agreed that she needed to get it looked out.  The whole time she argued with the nurse that it was probably just a sprain and the nurse told her, "honey, even without an x-ray, I can tell you that it's broken!" It was so broken that she needed a couple of pins, but she acted like I do when I stub my toe... Actually, I think that I am more dramatic when I stub my toe.
         My all-time favorite memory is one of the many injury free trips for ice cream. She would often take us to Dairy Queen for some cones and then we would drive around and enjoy the scenery. I was sitting in the front seat and we had the music up and the windows down. We were loving life. All of a sudden, we heard my brother screaming, "ROLL UP THE WINDOWS! ROLL. UP. THE. WINDOWS!" Mom-Mom and I both looked back and LOST IT! DJ's chocolate jimmies (or what some call sprinkles) flew off the ice cream cone he was clutching with his two little hands and landed all over his face, his shirt, and the seat. Apparently, the breeze from the windows was stronger in the back seat. He was squinting his eye to protect them from the flying sweet debris. Pretty sure we laughed for hours!!

     I love you and miss you, Mom-Mom!
Sorry for the times I got bored,sat on Kristen, and yelled, "Mom-Mom, help! Kristen's  hurting me!"
Sorry for the times when DJ didn't appreciate my older sister wisdom and I fought with him!
Well, thanks for putting up with us every summer while mom worked.
I miss those "you are completely nuts, but I love you" looks you always gave me!
Thanks for always saving seats for us at Church in your favorite row (We still sit there. We tried to move up but it felt too weird and we moved back)
Thanks for sitting through all those meals when we were so uncouth!
And with that, sorry for burping in front of you!
Thanks for all the money that you didn't really have to give but gave anyway (yeah, I'm sure DJ thanks you double for his extra large portion!)
Thanks for showing up at every Grandparent's day at school!
Thanks for the million things you did that we were too young to notice!




       

The process of doing laundry when you absolutely hate it

See that it's time to do laundry and put it off for another day
Put it off for one more day
Promise yourself that you'll do it tomorrow
Put it off for one more day
Open your underwear drawer and realize that all you have left is that pair that causes a wedgie so fierce that you regret the day you were born (but you keep it for emergencies like this)
Throw a load of wash into the machine
Spend the day hating everything and everybody
Remember to throw the wash in the dryer right after you get perfectly comfortable in bed
Pull out a clean pair of underwear in the morning and leave the rest in the dryer
Gain a whole new positive outlook on life as you walk around in comfort
Leave the clean clothes in the dryer again
Pull out outfits for the kids
Three days later, empty the dryer
Strategically place the hamper full of unfolded clean clothes near your husband's side of the bed
Return home from work late at night and trip over the hamper of unfolded clothes that magically moved
Ignore the hamper for 3 more days except for occasional sock searches
Get sick of walking around pile of dirty laundry waiting for occupied hamper and dump clean unfolded  
     clothes on your husband's side of the bed
Find unfolded clothes all over your side of the bed after you put the kids to sleep
Push all the clothes in a pile on the floor except for your ugliest, frumpiest PJs. YOU'RE WEARING THEM
     TO BED TONIGHT! thinks he can pass off the laundry after I pass it off to him
Avoid eye contact with pile of laundry for a day
Start folding and give up a quarter of the way through and vow to finish before bed
Look at the piles and decide you don't have the strength to fold anymore
Place piles neatly on the floor and go to bed
Listen to your children walking through the piles as they wake you up at the crack of dawn the next morning
Decide that today is the day you tackle the laundry like a true adult
Spend an hour mentally preparing yourself
Walk around saying "I should really start folding the laundry" to no one in particular repeatedly
Make a large cup of coffee and turn on your favorite TV show
Sigh
Whine
Fold one shirt
Sigh
Fold two more shirts
Sigh
Check Facebook
Sigh
Fold again
Check Facebook
Sigh
Fold again
Sigh
Check Facebook and wish you had more interesting friends  (SORRY GUYS! JUST KIDDING!)
Buckle down and fold half of it
Decide to celebrate all your progress with a treat
Grab some ice cream and decide to take a break because a calorie splurge deserves your FULL attention
Return to folding three hours later
Sigh
Seriously consider becoming a nudist
Catch reflection in the mirror and NOPE, NOPE, NOPE! Nudist colony not an option!
Sigh
Fold a few things
Check Facebook
Text a friend "Laundry is the worst!"
Sigh
Fold a shirt
Reply to friends text with "I know, right!?!"
Finish folding
Leave hamper of newly folded clothes in the living room
Move it to the stairs 
Walk by it all day
Write a blog about laundry to avoid putting clothes away

*disclaimer* Stephen does his own laundry and folds better than I do when I ask him to fold our laundry like an adult and not a passive aggressive crazy wife ;)

Understanding your child's hunger

Just a few things that I've discovered along the way. All subject to change as soon as you've figured it out and planned accordingly


Times your child is not hungry:

*When you say it's time for breakfast, lunch, or dinner

*When you have made something for their sibling to eat

*When you say "I'm about to [insert task like shower, work out, make phone call]. Do you want something to eat for I start?"

* When the pantry is bursting with their favorite snacks

* When you take them to an all you can eat buffet (like Shady Maple)

* 30 minutes before you have to be somewhere

* When you felt inspired (or guilty and wanted to prove that you aren't always a hot mess) and spent hours searching Pinterest and found a how to guide for folding apple slices into origami woodland creatures. Then clicked on the link to directions on making all natural food dye from local fruits and veggies and tears from free range unicorns (gathered with a cruelty free method)
  


Times when your child will be STARVING:


* 2 minutes and 15 seconds after you have given up and thrown out their meal or if it's dinner, 2 minutes and 15 seconds before bedtime

* 10 minutes after you made their sibling something to eat and put it all away

* 2 minutes into your shower or 8 minutes into your work out when you just get your heart rate up or only 1/3 of the way through your reps

* When you should have gone grocery shopping four days ago and you finally gave away the surplus of their favorite snack that they claimed they didn't like anymore

* When you are driving home from the special all you can eat buffet and stopped at rest stop where a cheese stick is $12 and candy is a plenty

* 30 seconds after you yell, "GO! GO! GO! We're gonna be late! We gotta get in the car!"

* When all the perfect moms are at the park and you ran out the door without snacks. The kids whine as loudly as possible and your only option is that mystery sandwich bag of snack bits buried in your diaper bag. Wait, is that mold? Wait, no, they're choc chips. WAIT! When the heck was the last time I bought those? Aren't they a special limited edition flavor from last year? I think all the moms are looking at me. Even the kids are looking at my kids with sympathy as they eat their snacks that coordinate with the theme their trendy designer clothes.

It's finally Funny

  I wanted to blog about this for a while, but I wanted to wait until we weathered the storm and I could look back on it and laugh instead of sob and rock back and forth in a corner.  I was convinced that this blog would never happen, but the other week, Nathan said the most wonderful words that I have ever heard:

                              "mom, I peed on potty at school and I tried to poop too,"

It was like music to my ears! There was much rejoicing! You're probably a little confused and possibly scared so let's start from the beginning when preschool nearly killed me.....


    ALL summer I stressed about Kindergarten! New school! New procedures! New friends! New Schedule! Will Syd be okay? Will I be okay?  I know practically nothing about what to expect, but I better not give that away! I could freak Syd out! SO MUCH INNER TURMOIL!! Thank goodness for preschool! It's going to be a piece of cake! PIECE. OF. CAKE! I know exactly what to expect! I know the drill! I know the teachers! Nathan knows the drill! He even cried when we dropped off the registerstration papers because he wanted to start school that day! Preschool is gonna be so easy!!
    WHEN WILL I LEARN!?! WHY AM I SO STUPID!?! I should know by now that I am always wrong! You all probably figured it out like 10 blog posts ago!
       After two years of trying to sneak into Sydney's class, I was surprised that Nathan didn't want me to leave him. Fortunately, some play tools made everything better. I could relax. It was going to be okay (HA! I'm such an idiot!) Sydney and I went off to enjoy the rest of our morning. We were coloring and having a blast when I got a call from Nathan's school.

"Hello, Mrs. Ford? Nathan is fine but his teacher asked me to give you a call. He had a little accident and his shoes got soaked too. He's running around in his socks, but if you want you can drop off shoes, I can take them to his class."

  Whaaat!?! Syd and I hopped in the car and flew to the school to deliver his shoes. Then I eventually calmed down and stopped worrying about the long term effects of an embarrassing first day of school. We hung out at a near by park until it was pick up time.  The calm feeling did not last.
     Nathan was close to the beginning of the line, but dismissed last. His teacher motioned for me to come closer and that's when I saw his wet pair of back up shorts:( He peed himself AGAIN on the playground right before they came inside to leave. I stripped him down, put him in his seat, and silently let the tears fall.
    I called my mom and cried. I called my sister and cried. I cried as I messaged my friend who also teaches at his preschool.  Full failure mom panic mode seemed like the only way to go after the terrible first first day of school. Have I ruined his life? Will I have to pull him out of preschool? Am I the worst parent ever? They'll never believe that he is potty trained? Will I have to homeschool him and let him pee outside like an animal? Am I the worst mother ever?
    We spent the next day talking up how great the school potty was. Poor Sydney had to go on and on about how much she loved peeing on the potty at school. I promised him candy. My mom promised him candy from her office. I vowed to feed him dry cereal for breakfast from now on.
    The second day of school, he peed himself. And the next day. And the next. The first 2 months of school, he peed himself at least once a week and he only has school TWO DAYS a week! Syd and I would wait in the parking lot right before pick up and stalk the play ground. Which pair of pants is he wearing? What color did he wear this morning? Are they the same? I think they are the same. Are they? ARE THEY???
      Eventually, I gave up trying to get him to go potty on his own at school and some how got him to pee as soon as we got there if I put him on the potty. There may have been some screaming and some forcing him to bend his angry locked body so he would sit down. Then one glorious day in March, he told his teacher that he had to go potty and that he needed some help. After he was done, he came to    the bathroom door with one shoe off and one leg of his pants off and his underwear all wrapped around his pants, but he finally peed in the potty at school!
    I think we still owe him about 1,000 toys from all our attempts to bribe him to go;)